


Lord of the rings Alt

by Never_Normal



Series: Lord Of The Rings Alt [1]
Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2018-02-24 12:55:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 56
Words: 76,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2582156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Never_Normal/pseuds/Never_Normal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my take on Lord of the rings - I do not own any of the characters (even the ones I created myself!)</p><p>This is not intended to be taken seriously, not even by itself, it's just for enjoyment. It should follow the storyline in the books with a few twists</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ring Recruitment Programme

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on how I imagine Sauron decided to attack Middle earth, cause mayhem and just be a pain in general and also the pitfalls he faced in trying to achieve this - As well as the struggles of Team good
> 
> Some characters are slightly less than mature in this than in the books, as they themselves would fully admit

_It began with the forging of the Great Rings._

_Three were given to the Elves; Immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven, to the Dwarf Lords; Great Miners and Craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, Nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, Who above all else desire power._

_For within these rings was bound the strength and the will to govern over each race._

_Their creator however was another matter._

* * *

 

_\- Man enters a room -_

**Receptionist** \- Hello! If you are here to enter the Ring Recruitment Programme please sign in and take a seat!

**Man** \- Thanks _(Signs in and sits down for a few minutes)_

**Receptionist**  - You may enter now, Our lord and Master is ready for you

 

**Sauron** \- Please take a seat. Now as you may be aware we only have 9 places granted for the race of men, so we have to be very select and only chose the best I'm sure you understand _. (Looks at paperwork in front of him.)_

Ok so we will start with the easy ones: Name, Age, and occupation.

**Man** \- Chedliony, 50, king

**Sauron** \- That’s great, now do you have any hobbies that you think will help you in the programme?

**Chedliony** \- Well as king I often raise the taxes to fund my playboy lifestyle, I make children over 5 work the fields for very little money, and I enjoy hunting!

**Sauron** \- Good, good, do you possess and unique skills?

**Chedliony** \- I am highly trained in weaponry, tactics and the like. I am also a very good tracker with a keen sense of smell and I am a good horseman. _(Smugly)_ I also won the national joust the year before last.

**Sauron** \- Oooh nice! Do you have any weaknesses??

**Chedliony** \- Well I'm used to getting my own way, and a fondness of women. Oh and many Bastards who I refuse to acknowledge

**Sauron** \- Now for a harder one, if ordered to do an **"Evil Act"** such as slaughtering an entire village how would you react?

**Chedliony** \- I'd be happy to prove my loyalty to you, and I would be merciless as I slaughtered everyone I could find. Then I’ll burn the village to the ground as a warning.

**Sauron** \- The little touches count in this job _(Smiles)_  Now, you will be required to dress sombrely and lose contact with everyone you know. Will this pose an issue?

**Chedliony** \- Not at all. I hate everyone I know! Lowly, Miserable peasants the lot of them! And the Nobles... Gods how I hate them!

**Sauron** \- Ok, the final question, what do you desire most?

**Chedliony** \- That’s easy! Power. Oh and my stunning good looks and huge c...

**Sauron** – Ok! All that’s left if for you to fill out the Heath check which can be found with Stacy in Reception, Thanks for coming!

 

* * *

 

_\- Several hundred interviews later –_

**Sauron** \- Hello Please take a seat. Now as you may be aware we only have 9 places granted for the race of men, so we have to be very select and only chose the best. Etc, etc. We will start with the easy ones: Name, Age, occupation.

**Man** \- Frank, 18 and 3/4s, King

**Sauron** \- _(Nonplussed)_ Okaaaay, how nice, do you have any hobbies that you think will help you in the programme?

**Frank** \- I enjoy organising things, and hunting

**Sauron** \- Lovely, do you possess and unique skills?

**Frank** \- I am an amazing horseman, and fantastic shot and I can also do shorthand, and decipher codes.

**Sauron** \- Really? Not many can nowadays! Do you have any weaknesses??

**Frank** \- Weakness?? Why would you...

**Sauron** \- Please answer the question; it's just part of the process you see

**Frank** \- I get very... upset when criticied. Seriously why do you need to know this!?!

**Sauron** \- Can you elaborate?

**Frank** \- Well I tend to stab people.... in the eye with pencil for example

**Sauron** \- Wonderful!! I do enjoy random acts of violence!!! If ordered to do an " **Evil Act** " such as slaughtering an entire village how would you react?

**Frank** \- I have never done anything like that!!!!! I'd feel terrible!!

**Sauron** \- That’s ok I guess? Not everyone is the same. In this job You will be required to dress sombrely and lose contact with everyone you know. Will this pose an issue?

**Frank** \- I enjoy wearing black, and my family are all dead so that won't be a problem for me.

**Sauron** – Oh. Err was it me who destroyed them?

**Frank** \- Umm no... I think?

**Sauron** \- Oh good. Now for the final question, what do you desire most?

**Frank** \- A winged fell beast so I can control all from the sky!!

**Sauron** \- ooh that sounds interesting... let’s talk and see if we can figure this out.

 

* * *

 

 

_\- After a lengthy conversation –_

 

**Sauron** \- I'll just check with Tech Dept, the Goblins always enjoy a challenge! Hang on _(Turns on intercom palantir)_ Stacey? Yes hello put me through to R &D..... No I didn't shout... I didn't.... I......I DO value you..... I do!.......I...... Can I...... no I.....Hang on _*Click*_ Security? Yeah Stacey isn't working out, drag her to Shelob’s den, thanks! _*Hangs up and turns to face Frank*_ Sorry about that!! Guess I need a new receptionist

**Frank** – Oh dear, job searching is so hard now

**Sauron** \- Yeah that girl will be eaten alive, but oh well!

**Frank** \- I could do it for you. I mean the receptionist job. I don't think I'm cut out to be an Evil Minion type after all.

**Sauron** \- Really? What skills do you have?

**Frank** \- Umm Shorthand, and codes you know... I can answer the palantir, file things, organise around the office, do the finance set up meetings etc...

**Sauron** \- You're hired!!!! _(Shakes his hand)_

**Frank** \- are you sure? what about my Problem?

**Sauron** \- As long as I don't become a giant eyeball, I don't see a problem _(Both laugh)_

**Frank** \- Although... Wouldn't it be easier for me to be your assistant? Then maybe I can learn how to be as evil as you!

**Sauron**  - I like it!


	2. Battle Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauron is plotting to take over Middle earth and has to overcome many pitfalls to do so

_One by one, the free peoples of Middle Earth fell to the power of the Ring._

_But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the very slopes of Mount Doom, they prepared to fight for the freedom of Middle-Earth._

_In Mordor Team Evil held a meeting before the battle to discuss strategy As expected it did not go well._

 

 

 

**Sauron**  - Ok guys, so tomorrow is our big battle against the “Last Alliance" Stupid Name... So anyhow I thought we should talk tactics.

_(Everyone nods)_

**Sauron**  - Soo any ideas to get the.... big round thing rolling? Ok Larry, you have the floor. Larry? .... LARRY??? Ok somebody poke him!  _*Faint Scream*_  That’s better

**Larry**  - Could we ... umm... take them to ... ummm... a totally defendable place like... ummm ... hide in a keep and ... umm ...  fire those arrow things at them instead of ... ummm ... hand to hand?

**Sauron**  - Ok... good idea to start on, however it needs some work like where we could find a place like that.....

**Larry**  - Oh I heard of a place called Helms Deep - it's ... ummm ... totally attack proof. So it’s perfect for us!

**Sauron**  - You means THE Helms deep, famous hold of Rohan?

**Larry**  -That’s the one!

**Sauron**  - Larry....

**Larry**  - Yea?

**Sauron**  - That’s an enemy base!!!! We would be the ones breaking in!

**Larry**  - Could we rent it?

_(Silence)_

**Sauron**  - Ok moving on....

**Larry**  - But!

**Sauron**  - I SAID moving on! Ah Dennis you're up

**Dennis**  - Why not just lock the gate, guard all entrances and lock them out. Then we play the waiting game _. (Looks pleased with himself)_

**Sauron**  - So we would be locked in? with little resources?

**Dennis**  - Yeah....

**Sauron**  - No food or water coming in?

**Dennis**  - Yes....

**Sauron**  - And no way to get more...

**Dennis**  - Bad plan?

**Sauron**  - Yea bad plan. Anyone else?

 

_\- Several hours later-_

 

**Sauron**  - Bill! for the last time, we are NOT blowing them off the mountain with hairdryers

**Bill**  -  _(Sulkily)_  Why not???

**Sauron**  - Because they DON'T EXIST!!!! MY god! Who among you has even a single brain cell?? Someone PLEASE have a half decent plan!! At this point I’d take remotely decent!!!!! In the realm of almost sane even

**Frank**  -  _(Slowly)_  If we are surrounded by the mountain range.... Why not use it against them?

**Sauron**  -  _(Holding head in his hands)_  How?

**Frank**  - Well if we say lure them into Mordor they would be trapped right?

_(Sauron looks up hopefully)_  

**Bill**  - And we can pour Glue on them!!!! Hahahaha they will be all sticky and have to change!!!!!

**Sauron**  - Or we could kill them....

**Bill**  - Ohhh better!!!! Kill them with glue?

**Sauron**  - No. We will get them to fight on the slopes of Mt Doom, then user long range weapons like arrows to thin them out. Then we charge.

_\- Everyone agrees this is a good plan and all rise to leave –_  

**Sauron**  - Ok guys; remember after the battle we will have another meeting for any survivors! Tea and biscuits provided.

_(As Sauron leaves Frank catches up with him)_

**Frank**  - Umm sir?

**Sauron**  - Yes Frank?

**Frank**  - Will you..... be joining in the battle sir?

**Sauron**  - Of course!

**Frank** \- Is that wise??

**Sauron**  - I need to be there for morale, it'll be fine. And I’ll get to kill stuff Hehehehe. Also remind me to schedule a “meeting” with Bill after the battle. He needs to go.

_(Sauron strides off)_

**Frank**  - I have a bad feeling about this

 

_(Frank goes off to prepare a sprit vessel .Just in case)_

 

* * *

 

 

_The battle was bloody and many died. Victory was near for the free people, but the power of the ring could not be undone._

_Sauron had fought and killed Elendil, and  Gil-galad lay dead._   _I_   _t was in this moment when all hope had faded, that Isildur Son of the King, took up his father's sword. And Sauron enemy of the free peoples of Middle-Earth was defeated much to his chagrin and embarrassment. Deciding to vent his frustration he attended the after battle meeting with a dark temper._

 

**Sauron**  - Ok guys, I'll be blunt. You lost, I died, it was the worst battle we have EVER had!!!! Ever! You ruined my perfect plan!!! And to make it worse, you surrendered! You should have  fought harder.  _*Spots a hand waving in the air*_  Now look at me! I’m a freaking BALL!!! What Dennis?

**Dennis**  - Don't you mean WE lost??

_(Frank notices Sauron rolling towards the table edge)_

**Sauron**  - No. YOU lost. I just died.

**Frank**  - Sir?

**Dennis**  - That’s the same thing

**Frank**  - Umm Sir I....

**Sauron**  - No, it's not

**Dennis**  - There’s no...

**Sauron**  - THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!!!!!

**Frank**  - SIR!

**Sauron**  - What????

**Frank**  -  _(Catches Sauron)_  You were rolling towards the edge

**Sauron**  - Huh? Oh, thanks. Can't tell in this damn thing...

**Frank**  - No problem sir. I have had word that your replacement body can be completed, Once we get your ring back

**Sauron**  - Back? Back from where?

**Frank**  - Err; it’s more from whom.....

**Sauron**  - What?? Don't we have it??

**Frank**  - Ummm no. It was.... stolen from your corpse as it was sir

**Sauron**  -  **WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**   _(Echoes throughout the hold)_

**Frank**  - I'm afraid so sir.

**Sauron**  - You mean my body was LOOTED, like some, some commoner???? I was shown no respect as I  lay there dead? Who did it? Oh nooo was it a bloody elf? Tell me it wasn't, oh by the Palantir of hell if it was.....

**Frank**  - No sir. It was Isildur

**Sauron**  - Who in middle earth is that???

**Frank**  - The son of Elendil.

_(Sauron looks blank)_

**Frank**  - _*Sighs*_ the old king of men and his son

**Sauron**  - You mean... I was robbed by an old guy?? Goddamn it!!! there goes all my hard earned Rep

**Frank**  - No sir, by the son. You killed Elendil with your hand trick

**Sauron**  - Hehehehe serves him right for not teaching his children manners. Or the conduct of war

**Frank**  - Yes sir, well after you killed him Isildur killed you with his fathers’ sword which had been broken under your foot. It was rather epic actually.

**Sauron**  - Wow!! He could have been a legend. You know until he started Grave Robbing, stealing from the dead and all

**Frank**  - Sir there was no grave. And now he has your ring

**Sauron**  - Kill him. Painfully and sloooow

 

_And so he learned that the Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever,_

_But the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the ring of power has a will of its own._

_It betrayed Isildur, to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten_

_Were lost._

 

 

* * *

 

 

_-   Sauron is in his chamber sulking when Frank enters -_

**Frank**  - Sir?

**Sauron**  -  _(Muttering to him)_  I mean really? Why rob me I was DEAD! Was I so bad a person? I mean I killed a few thousand people... burnt villages.... I shot a duck....

**Frank**  - Sir?

**Sauron**  -  _(Still muttering)_  what a sick child he is.... Clearly has no respect for the dead...

**Frank**  - Sir! I have a report from the tracking party.

**Sauron**  - They found him?

**Frank**  - Yes sir and killed him.

**Sauron**  - And my ring?

**Frank**  - Was not found sir. It seems he tried to escape via the river and was shot and slain.  Then it seems your ring was... eaten by a fish? Or I believe that’s what it says, the report is rather vague on that actually....

**Sauron**  - A fish... has my ring? My Power???

**Frank**  - So it appears my lord...

**Sauron**  - Kill all the fish! Boil the rivers! Drain the oceans! Train the dolphins JUST FIND  IT!!!!!

**Frank**  - Sir It is unsafe to do so now. I would suggest we wait for the ring to reveal itself,  In time.

**Sauron**  - ... very well.

**Frank**  - In the meantime we have a replacement body, well sort of.

**Sauron**  - What is it....?

**Frank**  - It’s a giant eyeball... made of fire

**Sauron**  -  _(Remembering the first meeting_ ) Oh.... lovely, can I have a very, very, very large tower as well? To... spy on all? With many, many stairs. Many

**Frank**  - Yes sir, of course. EYE think we had better begin ha-ha

**Sauron**  – Hahaha    _(Thinks "oh craaap!!! Not the puns")_


	3. Saurman’s Harassment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauron has lost the battle, his body and his Ring so he decides to do some stress relief

_After losing both the Battle and his Ring Sauron wasted several years waiting for any developments until he hits on a new plan, but he unable to decide how to proceed with this._   _Sauron finally fed up with waiting and who is feeling rather board, decides he needs some fun in his life. Afterlife? Whatever this hell is he’s stuck in is called_

**Sauron**  - Frank! Fraaaaank? FRANK?!?

**Frank**  - What is it Sauron, I’m busy.

**Sauron**  - I'm booored!!

**Frank**  - Why not do some drawing?

**Sauron**  - No!

**Frank**  - How about making cookies with the Orcs?

**Sauron**  - Ummmmmm

**Frank**  - They can be EVIL cookies

**Sauron**  - Ummm, ummm no

**Frank**  -  _(sternly)_  Sauron, I have work to do

**Sauron**  - But I wanna plaaaaay!!!!

**Frank**  - Well go and play Torture with the prisoners, you always enjoy that.

**Sauron**  - I don’t wanna. They are meeeaaaan and tease me about being a floating eyeball. All they do is make jokes.

**Frank**  - Well torture them for real. Or feed them to Shelob

**Sauron**  - I would, but they are all "Political" prisoners... Stupid PR crap

**Frank**  - Okay.... Go turn the palantir on.

**Sauron**  - Yay! I can PM  _(Palantir Message)_  my pals!

**Frank**  - Yes, but only for an hour _(As Sauron levitates off he mutters “such a child”)_

 

_Sauron Levitates off to turn on the Palantir. After Messaging the Ringwraiths he then hits the Speed Dial #1)_

**Saruman**  - Hello, this is Saruman The White, how can I help you?

**Sauron**  - Hi, do you have my minions?

**Saruman**  - Excuse me?

**Sauron**  - My minions, Fiends to do my evil bidding!

**Saruman**  - I think you have the wrong number...

**Sauron**  - No this is the place!

**Saruman**  - I seriously doubt that, this is Isenguard the famous Wizards tower, not some low class breading pen

**Sauron**  - Give. Me. My. Minions

**Saruman**  - I don’t.... wait. This is Sauron again isn't it?

**Sauron**  - Ummm no, I do not have an awesome name like that...

**Saruman**  - It damn well is! This the 35th time you have tried to "recruit" me. I'm not interested so leave me alone

**Sauron**  –No! Not until you join me!

**Saruman**  - NEVER! I'm one of the GOOD guys

**Sauron**  - Being bad is better ;)

**Saruman**  -Did... Did you just wink at me???? That’s just weird!

**Sauron**  - Unless you liked it, no

   

_Saruman then hangs up. Sauron tried to call back but the line is engaged._

**Sauron**  - Damn he got away.... Time for plan B

_Sauron then PM's Bill_

**TheEye**  - BILL!!! the plan FAILED.

**RWBill**  - So time for plan Bill ;)

**TheEye**  - Stop calling it that!!! U=Sux!!!!

**RWBill**  - dude... make me

**TheEye**  - Ok, no pay 4 u all. MORTAL!!!!

**RWBill**  - Man that’s cold!! Sry 4 sayin that

**TheEye**  - Well FK u all I ain't payin U

 

           _Several Hours later Saruman decides it will be safe enough to turn the Palantir back on._

_**Palantir - You have 35 messages. Would you like to play?** _

**Saruman**  - What the????

_\- he hits play -_

**Sauron**  - Hi it’s me Sauron. Emperor of darkness, ruler of Mordor and the king of not blinking I need to discuss an urgent matter with you. Please call

You didn't call? Please join me. it'll be fun ;)  _*Beep*_

Dude call me! _*Beep*_

Caaaaaall me!  _*Beep*_

I need you man!  _*Beep*_

It's still Sauron, call me  _*Beep*_

C'mon call me!  _*Beep*_

Why won't you call??  _*Beep*_

Seriously, call me _*Beep*_

Call me now! _*Beep*_

ARRRGGGGHHHHH Just call me!!!!  _*Beep*_

FINE, I don't even like you anyhow _*Beep*_

I'll get a better wizard and then you'll be sorry _*Beep*_

When I’m like famous you'll see and think "AW man I missed out!" _*Beep*_

And my new guy will have a cooler staff... and a goatee!!! And pointy fingernails, like daggers! _*Beep*_

Wow sorry man, I was in a bad place....  _*Beep*_

CALL ME NOW MORTAL _*Beep*_

Like, don't call me a mortal. But totally call me back _*Beep*_

Still waiting on that call..... So yea call me _*Beep*_

Why won't you call  _*Cries*_  All. I. Want. Is. You. _*Beep*_

_Saruman is now annoyed and decides to delete the rest. He then PM’s Sauron_

**No1Wiz**  - LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

**TheEye**  - NEVER!!!! So just join me ;)

**No1Wiz**  - STOP winking at me freak!!!!!

_Sauron then calls Saruman_

**Sauron**  - Hello!!!! Oh he hasn't picked up yet.....

**Saruman**  - GO AWAY!!!

**Sauron**  - No. Join me

**Saruman**  - Never!

**Sauron**  - But I need your super awesome Wizard powers! You’re like the best!

**Saruman**  - I am. But I’ll never join you

**Sauron**  - Aw please! I'll be your friend!  _\- Frank starts calling for Sauron -_  One minute! Join me

**Saruman**  - No! Never shall you tempt me demon!  _\- Frank has now entered the room –_

**Sauron**  -  _*Yells*_  YOU WILL OBEY ME!!!!!!

**Frank**  - Sauron Version 2.0!!!! I did NOT raise you to be so rude!

**Sauron**  - You can't talk to me like that! I'm your boss!

**Frank**  - I saved your life, I'm raising you as my own and you tell me that? You're not easy to look after you know!

**Sauron**  - You just like to boss me around!

**Frank**  - Apologise to that poor man right now!

**Sauron**  - NO!!!!

**Frank**  - Do it or be grounded

**Sauron**  - YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAAAAD!!!!!

**Frank**  - Of course not! You're millennia older!

**Sauron**  -  _*Gasps*_  you brought age into it!

**Frank**  - Go to your tower now.

**Sauron**  - Make me.

**Frank**  - Don't make me get angry

_Sauron then notices Frank is holding a pencil. He screams and levitates off._  

**Frank**  - And turn that damn machine off!!!

**Sauron**  - Do it yourself! It's why I PAY you

**Frank**  - That's it! You're grounded for a month!

**Sauron**  - Noooo! But it's the BBQ next week!

**Frank**  - Well you miss it don’t you!

 

_Frank storms to the palantir and turns it off._

_Saruman sits there thinking "What the hell???? It’s no wonder Good always win!"_

 


	4. In the Shire

_And so the ring came to the Shire and lay dormant for many years in the care of Bilbo Baggins, an unusual but excellent hobbit._

_Considered strange by his neighbours after having "Adventures" in his youth Bilbo now spends his time writing at his desk. He is currently the most prolific hobbit author of all time, a feat helped by the fact that the hobbits are far more interested in food._

 

**Bilbo**  – ( _Muttering_ ) Concerning hobbits blah, blah, nor among the very wise which is really unfair, just because that Lowbrook lad decided that the Big Folk were made up and ran away screaming when he came across one on his "travels" or rather his pub crawl – a dangerous task in itself – Is that any reason to label us all? Honestly. Where was I? Ah yes, Today is my 111th Birthday. There is to be a cracking party to celebrate with all my friends and the 100 plus hobbits I had to invite for politeness. Damn it. They had better bring some damn good gifts!

_Closes book and walks to the window looking out_

**Bilbo**  – Ah the Shire. Little rivers, tilled fields. Home  _*He stands admiring the view*_

  

* * *

 

 

_Frodo choosing to escape Bilbo's frenzied mutterings had left the house and is soon reading in a field, until a sound distracts him and looking up he spots Gandalf who he promptly flags down_

**Frodo**  – You’re late

**Gandalf**  – A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he mean to.

_Both laugh and hug. Frodo joins Gandalf in his cart and they travel through Hobbiton chatting. The conversation soon turns to Bilbo_

 

**Frodo**  – He’s been acting strangely. Locking himself in a room, laughing evilly and muttering about a show called “American Rival” or something?

**Gandalf**  – Oh really? Hmm _*Waggles his eyebrows*_

**Frodo**  – Creepy.... And yes, it’s most odd. He says he wants to be Simon? He also keeps asking for foot rubs and cheese.

**Gandalf**  –Hmmm

**Frodo**  – Go ahead and keep your secrets  _(Thinks “Until I get my mind reading powers at least! Hahaha!”)_

_As they near Bilbo’s Frodo departs to visit his friends for some lunch and Gandalf carries on singing as he goes, a small smile playing on his lips._

_Gandalf arrives at Bilbo’s and chuckling at his signs knocks on the door and rings the doorbell shaking his head at the "Please leave”  noticed attached to it._

 

**Bilbo**  – No Thank you! I don’t want any Visitors, Relatives or Salesmen today! Actually I don’t want Salesmen ever please!

**Gandalf**  – And how do you feel about very old friends?

**Bilbo**  – No, I don’t care if you’re the Goblin King.

**Gandalf**  – It’s me.

_Silence_  

**Gandalf**  – Gandalf.

_Silence_

**Gandalf**  – The wizard. I sent you on your adventure and made you into a very rich man

_Door opens hurriedly_

**Bilbo**  – My dear Gandalf! _(Both hug)_

**Gandalf**  – 111 years old! You haven’t aged a day! You must tell me your secret 

**Bilbo**  – * _Laughs_ * Come in, I’ll put on the tea! Are you hungry?

 

_Bilbo lists all the food in his Larder. This can take several hours and for some reason always contains a small onion. No one knows why, but many notable hobbits have written books on the subject many of them lengthy._

_The talk turns to Bilbo’s plans for his party and to him leaving the shire._

 

**Gandalf**  – Are you SURE Bilbo?

**Bilbo**  – Yes, I want to see mountains again, and find somewhere quiet to finish my book. Preferably with food close at hand

**Gandalf**  – As you wish my friend, perhaps we should get ready for your party?

**Bilbo**  – Gandalf my old friend, this will be a night to remember!

_They both leave to prepare for the party_

 

 

* * *

 

 

_And so the long awaited party began. There was mountains of foods, lakes of drink and continuous calls of “Jolly old Bilbo” (when they could remember his name) There was also large amounts of gifts, as the hobbit custom of hanging out presents to your party guests was one Bilbo had taken very seriously, and had sent to Dale for them._

_After much food and drink was consumed Bilbo gave his speech to 111 of his closest friends and relatives, and several he was forced to include._

_He stands up and begins his speech, mildly insulting many of them, and in which he claimed was based on something he called “Simon’s speeches condensed”  Luckily for him the speech was put down to too much good food and drink. He then said a brief and confusing (for them) good bye and then puts on his ring and vanishes._

_This caused much uproar and made Bilbo an instant celebrity although he was considered to have poor taste in jokes. Incidentally this also lead to the rise of conspiracy theories and memorabilia including the popular “Vanishing Bilbo Doll” Which would have been vastly more popular is there had been a way to turn off the vanishing act and to find it again._

_Bilbo arrived at his home and picks up his bags and leaves an envelope on the mantle, turning in surprise to find Gandalf there waits for him with a slightly annoyed expression._

 

**Gandalf**  - I suppose you think that was funny

**Bilbo**  –Oh hallo Gandalf, Don’t worry it was just a bit of fun! No harm done

**Gandalf**  – Bilbo magic rings should never be used lightly

**Bilbo**  – I... guess you’re right

**Gandalf**  – Well my friend, now we part ways. Where is the ring?

**Bilbo**  - It’s on the mantle in an envelope. No... Wait. It’s here, in my pocket. How odd

**Gandalf**  - Well let’s put it away now  _– Hold out the envelope –_

**Bilbo**  – Well why? Why shouldn’t I keep it? It’s mine. My own, My precious.

**Gandalf**  – * _Frowns_ * It’s been called that before. But not by you

**Bilbo**  – I see... you want it for yourself!

_Gandalf Slaps Bilbo_

**Bilbo**  – Well you do!

_Gandalf slaps him again_

**Bilbo**  – Well I can’t help it of you had Klepto issues

_This continues until Bilbo is threatened to be staffed in the Family Jewels_

**Bilbo**  – In that case.... This ... is ...Goodbye! _-He drops ring into envelope –_  Well now. I feel better than I have in years! Aside from the sore face due to your abuse  _*Gandalf raises his hand*_  Kidding! I had better go now. Farewell

**Gandalf**  – Farewell Bilbo my friend. Be safe

 

_They hug and Gandalf watches Bilbo leaves and walks down the path singing softly. He then turns to the envelope and frowns before taking out his pipe and sitting in a chair by the dying fire deep in thought._

 

 


	5. Frodo’s Journey Begins

_Frodo returns from the party and smiles at the thought of the confusion he’d left behind. Trust Bilbo to celebrate his birthday in style! He returned Bag End to find Bilbo had left the shire and that he had left Bag End and all his possessions to Frodo. He was now the master of Bag End. Gandalf had left that night with a strict warning not to ever use the ring and he ensured it was hidden well. Then Frodo settled into his new role as master of Bag End. The years passed slowly and softly as Frodo enjoyed life, spending time with his close friends_ _Meriadoc Brandybuck,_ _Peregrin Took and Fatty Boldger, all who took advantage of his generous nature and caused him all sorts of trouble. Pippin was especially troublesome with several failed businesses he set up under Frodo’s name.  He also spent time with his Gardner Samwise Gamgee who unlike the others rarely caused trouble and loved to listen to stories especially about Bilbo's adventures. He began to take up long walks in the forests and spoke to the elves he came across occasionally which gave him a unique status among the hobbits as Bilbo was before him._

_Gandalf returned suddenly with no warning. Frodo returned from a night out at the local with the lads and is startled to find the window open and his house a mess. He is suddenly grabbed and turned to see Gandalf_

 

**Gandalf**  – Is it secret?

**Frodo**  – Hello to you to Gandalf?

**Gandalf**  – Ah yes, sorry. Hello Frodo it’s good to see you. Can you fetch the ring?

_Frodo retrieves the ring and offers it to Gandalf and is surprised when he refuses to take it. Gandalf instead tells him to throw the ring into the hottest part of the fire. Frodo unwillingly complies and Gandalf waits, before picking up the rings with the tongs and holds it out to Frodo_

**Gandalf**  – Don’t worry, it’s quite cool

**Frodo**  – Err ok...

_Gandalf drops the ring into his outstretched hand_

**Gandalf**  – Do you see any writing on the ring?

**Frodo**  – No nothing. (Gandalf sighs) No... wait. Now there is... it looks like... Elvish? But I can’t read it...

**Gandalf**  –No it’s in the Mordor tongue which I won’t utter here. It says “ **One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them”**

**Frodo**  – Sounds ominous. Is there a story?

**Gandalf**  – Yes. Sit while I explain. Tea would also be nice.

 

* * *

 

_Gandalf explains about Sauron and how he lost his ring during the war, and that this is his lost ring. He also explains that he suspected Sauron is trying to return to power and will begin to look for the ring shortly. Frodo listens in silence until the story is done_

**Frodo**  – What do I do? Can I destroy it?

**Gandalf**  – Not here, as you saw the fore here barely warmed it. I believe the ring needs to leave the shire. Soon

**Frodo**  -  _*swallows nervously*_  When should I leave?

**Gandalf**  – I never fail to be astounded by you hobbits and your bravery. Now I think you should... hush now my lad!  _*Rustling is heard from outside the window*_  who is that?

**Frodo** – You’re asking me?

_Gandalf silently walks to the window and without warning strikes with his staff. An ouch floats into the room and Gandalf reaches out and drags the person in through the window including the sack they were clutching_

**Gandalf**  – Damn it all Samwise Gamgee were you eaves dropping?

**Sam**  – I wasn’t dropping no eaves sir, being as there are no eaves in bag End, I was just trimming the verge you see.  _*holds up the shears and sack*_

**Gandalf**  – It’s a little late for that isn’t it.

**Sam**  – I suppose it could be seen that way sir, although it could be a testament to my dedication.

**Frodo**  – He’s harmless, honestly. Sam how much did you hear?

**Sam**  – Not much of import Mr Frodo sir! Just something about a ring and dark lord

**Frodo**  – Oh Sam!

**Sam**  – I didn’t mean to listen, honest Mr Frodo! But you were talking about the elves and I couldn’t help but listen, I always used to listen to Mr Bilbo’s stories about elves as I do love them. Once you moved onto the rest I didn’t listen too much until you mentioned Mr Frodo going away. I guess I couldn’t hide my distress which gave me away just now; I mean you just can’t send him alone!

**Gandalf**  – Oh he won’t be going alone _*smiles grimly*_

**Sam**  – Oh no... Me and my big mouth

**Gandalf**  – Indeed. Now let’s plan your trip.

 

_They talk into the early hours of the morning and then Gandalf leaves with a warning._

**Gandalf**  – Now remember, the ring draws the servants of the enemy to it. Never put it on or they will find you. Be safe, and remember to leave before autumn ends. I shall inform the head of my order on this development. He is both strong and wise and will know what to do. Farewell!

_With that Gandalf rides off_

**Sam**  – Well, he’s a cheerful fellow! Bit bossy

_Frodo stares at the ring in his hand and then puts it in his pocket. With a shiver_


	6. Saruman Confronted

_Gandalf rides to Saurman's tower seeking council as Saruman is the Master of Ring lore. He strides through to the main hall, so preoccupied he did not notice the alarming changes that had been made, a fact he afterwards cursed himself for on later reflection._

**Gandalf**  -Saruman?

**Saruman**  - Ah Gandalf the Grey, to what do I owe this visit? I'm afraid there is no more leaf until the next delivery...

**Gandalf**  - Oh no, I'm good. I seek your advice; I believe I have discovered the One Rings location

**Saruman**  - The Ring of Power? Where in Middle Earth...

**Gandalf**  - It is in the shire, in the hands of a hobbit.

**Saruman**  - A hobbit?

_It takes several hours for Saruman to be brought up to speed_

**Saruman**  - So the Ring is in the hands of a ... Halfling? Under your nose! Your love of the Halflings leaf has clouded your mind. It's pretty potent stuff!  _*Nods*_

**Gandalf**  - We still have time! Time enough to act & hide it from his eye

**Saruman**  - Time? It is later than you think. The Nine

**Gandalf**  - Did what?

**Saruman**  - Let me finish. The Nine crossed the river Isen on midsummer’s eve. They are looking for the Shire.

**Gandalf**  - Frodo!

**Saruman**  -I'm Saruman remember. You really should consider cutting the dosage of Halflings leaf...

**Gandalf**  - What? No, it's the ring bearers name...

**Saruman**  - Oh. It's quite nice. Kind of down to Middle Earthy

**Gandalf**  - Yea I like it too. Well. See you

_As Gandalf turns to leave Saruman magically closes all the doors._

**Gandalf**  - Hey! I need to warn him!

**Saruman**  - It is useless my friend. We must join him, we must join with Sauron. Trust me the alternative is much worse! For 5 months he harassed me day & night. It was beyond awful!

**Gandalf**  - How?? And how did you know about the Nine?

**Saruman**  - I have seen it.  _(He pulls out the Palantir)_  It's the deluxe model.

**Gandalf**  - A Palantir is a dangerous tool! You have no idea who has access to your data and watching you!!

**Saruman**  - No one is because the little light isn't on...

**Gandalf**  - I mean you could be corrupted....

**Saruman**  - You try not sleeping for 2 weeks as an EYEBALL harasses you!

**Gandalf**  - 2 weeks?? Really?

**Saruman**  - Yes! It's why I missed our Bimonthly meeting, I fell asleep. In my chair!

**Gandalf**  - We did wonder... By the way what’s with the new threads? Flared robes are so last century. And the nails?

**Saruman**  – Ugh, it’s part of my "dress code" I also had to call myself Saruman of the many colours. I mean all my robes were white, so in the end I transformed them with magic.

**Gandalf**  - That’s abusing your powers! I'll have to report this!

_At that Saruman attacks Gandalf and knocks him out._

**Saruman**  - I'm sorry it came to this my friend. But no one grasses on me.

 

* * *

 

 

_Gandalf wakes up on the top of the tower & looks around. Isenguard was once Green & lush but was now a barren wasteland of pits, smoke & ash. After realising he should have noticed this sooner he decided to confront Saruman. Given how high up he was he decided to wait until Saruman came to him. _ _Later he had his chance when Saruman appears with food._

 

**Saruman**  - Hungry yet? You can have bread or bread

**Gandalf**  - Why am I here?

**Saruman**  - You should have known better than to threaten me in my own house

**Gandalf**  - Tower

**Saruman**  - Same thing

**Gandalf**  - Not really, there's more stairs for one

**Saruman**  - I'll let...

**Gandalf**  - And more floors

**Saruman**  - Listen! I'll let you out IF you join me

**Gandalf**  - But you work for Sauron!

**Saruman**  - Well, he thinks so

**Gandalf**    - What do you mean?

**Saruman**  - I am pretending to work for him but am really plotting against him.

**Gandalf**    _ I ... I don't understand! What’s to gain?

**Saruman**  - Power. For us all. Too long we have been mistreated, taken for fools doddering old men! Once we were treated as kings! Well better than kings really, as no one tried to behead us etc

**Gandalf**    - Times change, and not all...

**Saruman**  - Enough do! It’s time to rise up and fight back! Once a single look would reduce men to a shivering wreck & now we are ridiculed! You, my friend are seen as a peddler, a meddler. A joke to TOLERATE! We were LORDS riding on the wings if the storm, now we dwindle

**Gandalf**  - No! We are still strong!

**Saruman**  - Enough, I shall shake the foundations of this Middle Earth & all shall bow to us!

**Gandalf**  - Did you take some dodgy leaf?

**Saruman**  - No!

**Gandalf**  - Then what brought on this insanity?

**Saruman**  - Silence! If you will not help, then rot here.

 

_Saruman storms off. Gandalf waits and then checks the coast is clear. He creates a beautiful moth and gives it a detailed escape plan. Once it had memorised it he bade it to fly to the elves, and sat back feeling confident in his plans success._

_However the moth had an in-air collision with an eagle and was unable to fly. As the eagle felt guilty he flew off to rescue Gandalf, after exchanging insurance information with the moth. (The moth became a famous self-help guru travelling Middle earth with the eagles help.)_

_Gandalf was very confused but grateful to be rescued and the Eagle was only too pleased to help._

_So it just goes to show, never trust your escape plan to a moth._

Gandalf – Yea Whatever. Bastards.

 


	7. The Spy Revealed

_Frodo decides to leave on his Birthday as a tribute to Bilbo. He causes uproar when he sells his house to the Sackville-Baggins and buys a new house in Buckland. His friends help him to move. He feels sad once it comes to actually leaving but he decides have Merry and Fatty take his things in a cart while he is to walk to Buckland with Sam and Pippin, as it was a short journey only a couple of days max. They walked with relative ease for the first day and on the second they were walking along in a daydream when suddenly Frodo had a bad feeling and decided to leave the road.  They had just reached the shelter of nearby woodland when glancing back they saw a black figure on the road they had just left. This shook them up and they decided to stay off of the road for the remainder of they journey. They become lost and end up on Farmer Maggot’s land, where they stumble across the Farmer and his Dogs. Luckily Farmer Maggot was a friend and gave them a good meal and agreed to drive them to the bridge they were headed to. He also informed them that a “nasty suspicious looking fellow in a black coat” was looking for a “Baggins heading this way” and that he had to tell them if he saw Frodo. Not that he ever would he hastily assured him for he was a “bad sort, and the animals didn’t take to him so that proved it”_

_Before they left Mrs Maggot gave Frodo a hamper to take with them and they set off. They all were nervous on the way to the bridge, and a fog soon set in. As they went along with Frodo and his friends hidden in the back the journey seemed to take hours, and soon a light appeared and a figure in a cart called out “Have you seen Mr Baggins? He was coming this way.”_

 

**Farmer Maggot** \- “Who wants to know?”

**Frodo** – It’s ok, it’s Merry!

**Merry** – Oh there you are! Hallo Farmer Maggot, did they wander into your lands?

**Farmer Maggot** – Aye, not that I mind at all. We had a slight worry, but I’ll let them explain it

_They all thank Farmer Maggot for his kindness and they head to Buckland happily, telling Merry they will explain once they got home._

**Merry** – I’m surprised you got lost, but luckily it was close enough to your destination. I had Fatty prepare some food and a hot bath for you, so just relax.

 

_They all bathed and ate happily before telling Merry and Fatty of their journey._

_They all discussed this until Frodo decided he had to tell his friends he was leaving_

**Frodo** – I, uh, I...

**Merry** – Let me. You are leaving to go on a journey and this was a cover

**Pippin** – And you plan to go without us

**Merry** – To keep us safe of course

**Pippin** – Except we are going with you.

**Merry** – Well not Fatty, He’s staying here to mind the house for us when we return

**Frodo** – I can’t let you do this! How did you even know?

**Merry** – Well it started with Bilbo. I knew of the rings existence for a while now, long before he left but of course I never told anyone until this started.

**Frodo** – Oh that’s good I guess. Do you know what is it?

**Merry** – Yes, now. Thanks to our spy. I even caught a glimpse of Bilbo’s book before he left!

**Frodo** – A spy? And is nothing safe from you?

**Pippin** – No. Not even your diary.

**Frodo** – Who is this spy?

He looks around expecting to see a shadowy figure and is amazed to see Sam step forward.

**Frodo** – SAM!?!

**Sam** – Yes, Sorry Mr Frodo.

**Merry** – Don’t be mad, we made him. However once he was found by you and Gandalf he seems to consider himself retired.

**Frodo** – Well I never.

**Merry** – Anyhow, onto your plan. We feel that your plan needs a slight adjustment. We feel it will be much safer to travel through the Old forest. It’s got a great element of surprise!

**Frodo** – Well... If you know the way? Now we should rest, it’s a long trip ahead of us.

 

_They all go to bed and Frodo falls asleep happy in the knowledge he had his friends along with him._

* * *

 

_They leave early in the morning while it was still dark and slip into the Forest, soon losing sight of the houses. It was said the woods were alive and had attacked the town before and been beaten back with Fire. Ever since then the woods had seemed hostile and all were nervous when they entered. They made good time and soon noticed the forest was forcing them deeper into the heart of itself, and unable to turn back they had to continue along the path. They came across a river and followed it reasoning it would lead them outside the forest. The day became warm and they soon felt drowsy._

_Frodo and Sam walked along the path in front of Merry and Pippin and they decided to rest awhile. Merry and Pippin sat at the foot of a willow and leant against the tree trunk while Frodo went to sit by the river with Sam nearby. Suddenly Frodo gave a cry and fell into the river from the root he was sat on, and Sam rushed to pull him out. As he did he could have sworn the branch moved and Frodo believed it had tipped him in and tried to hold him down. As they returned to the Tree where Merry and Pippin were under in time to see the tree swallowed into the trunk. They panicked and ran along the bank calling for help when they heard singing and saw a figure spring along the path. He introduced himself as Tom Bomadil and agreed to help them. He sang to the tree and Merry and Pippin were spat out. Tom invited them to his home and they spent a few days with him and his lady Goldberry, rivers daughter. Their hearts were lifted and fear removed while they were there, and they talked for hours.  Frodo decided to play a trick on Tom and was amazed that the Ring had no effect on Tom, for he could see Frodo with the ring on and he put the ring on his finger and didn’t disappear! Eventually they were recovered enough to carry on their journey and left tom’s with a heavy heart._

_They crossed the old downs and fell afoul of a Barrow Wraith, luckily Tom had taught them how to call for him and Frodo called him in time. Tom escorted them to the edge of his lands and set them on_ _the path to Bree, and soon they arrived safely._

 

_At Bree t_ _he hobbits arrive at the gates and knock, and Frodo reminds the others they must call him Underhill outside the shire for safety. Harry the gate keeper looks out and seems surprised._

**Harry** – Hobbits? Four of them? And from the Shire by the sounds of it... What business have you in Bree?

**Frodo** – We wish to stay in the Inn and no business really.

**Pippin** – Please hurry up, it’s really cold! _(Merry smacks him around the head)_  Ouch!

**Harry** – Ok, Ok. Come on in

_Door opens and scene switches to the crowded inn._

**Frodo** _\- (approaches the Bar)_ Excuse me?

**Barliman Butterbur** – Just a moment! _(leaves and swiftly returns)_ Hello littlemasters, how can I help you?

**Frodo** – We need rooms for tonight please

**Barliman Butterbur** – Well as you can see we are full, however we do have some rooms free for the hobbit folk! They are lovely, south facing, ground floor rooms with a lovely sitting room. Can I take your names?

**Frodo** – Yes I’m Mr Underhill.

**Barliman Butterbur** – Underhill? Underhill... Where have I heard that? Oh it’s gone, but it’ll come to me I’m sure! Can I show you to your rooms?

**Sam** – Yes please sir!

**Barliman Butterbur** – Follow me! BOB! Guests!

_Barliman and Bob lead them to the rooms and made sure they are nicely settled in_

**Barliman Butterbur** – I’ll have a bath drawn and have some food sent for you. Then would you like to join the company? It’s not often we have folks from the Shire here, and folks’ll like to talk

**Frodo** \- That sounds lovely. Have you seen Gandalf around lately? We are supposed to be meeting him here

**Barliman Butterbur** – No he’s not been here for 6 month. Oh, What was that? Ah it’s gone again. I must dash, needs to see and all!

**Frodo** – Oh. Thank you.

 

_They eat and Pippin, Sam and Frodo decide to go to the common room and mingle while Merry elects to take a walk for a sniff of fresh air. They go to the bar and are introduced to everyone, Frodo telling them he wanted to write a book about Bree and the Shire so the talk flowed freely. Frodo notices a shadowed figure watching him and when he gets a chance asks Barliman who he was._

**Barliman Butterbur** – Oh that’s Strider, one of those rangers.

**Frodo** – Rangers?

**Barliman Butterbur** – Strange folk who lives in the wild. Nice enough chap if a bit rough

_Barliman is called away and Strider motioned to Frodo to join him._

**Frodo** – Why do you stare at me?

**Strider** – Be calm Frodo, I know who you are.

**Frodo** – And that is supposed to make me calm? Are you a stalker???

**Strider** \- No! As I sneaked around the gate I saw four hobbits and one said “remember everyone, do not use the name Baggins beyond the Shire” As I was looking around the area for a Mr Baggins I thought it must be fate.

**Frodo** – Oh okay. Wait... sneaking? Are you sure you’re not a stalker??

**Strider** – I’m sure I’m not! Old Harry refuses to let me in, says I’m a “Bad element”

**Frodo** – are you?

**Strider** – Again no

**Frodo** – Uh huh...

**Strider** – Moving on, may we talk somewhere more Private?

**Frodo** – Umm, so I’m flattered, but I really don’t go that way...

**Strider** – to discuss the... “Trinket” you carry.

**Frodo** – the wha... Oh that. How do you know?

**Strider** – I’ll explain later.

**Frodo** – Fine, come to my room. Sitting room! Not bedroom!

**Strider** – Uh yeah I got that

**Frodo** – Well. This got awkward

**Strider** – Indeed.  Excuse me, I think you need to see to your friend.

_Frodo looks up to see that Pippin is about the blow their cover and in desperation Frodo jumps up and starts singing a song Bilbo wrote. It went down so well he was asked to sing it twice more and on the last time he tried a few fancy twirls and jumps and then fell off the table, with the ring falling onto his finger. He disappeared alarming everyone and in the frenzy he crawled over to Striders table and pulled off the ring_

**Strider** – Well... I’d say you put your foot in it. Or your finger so to say

**Frodo** – Seriously? Do you not hear that??

 

_In the meantime Barliman had been called into the room and was trying to hush everyone to find out what was going on, and when people were declaring that Frodo has been swallowed up by the floor, he had to call out that he was in fact still there. This caused more disquiet and many of the people left to mull things over. After that Frodo and the others decided to return to the room as they had had enough excitement for one day._


	8. Night Time Attack

_After all the commotion the hobbits caused in the common room they returned to their room to see Strider sat there already! They also noticed Merry was missing._

**Sam**  - Whoa! Who are you???

**Frodo**  - Oh Strider! I had forgotten you wanted to talk!

**Strider**  - Yes, we have many matters to discuss.

 

_During the talk they learn that he knows Gandalf and wishes to join them as a guide. As they are deciding to trust him Barliman Butterbur enters with a letter from Gandalf. As several hours has passed since they last saw Merry, and recalling the Black Riders they begin to become alarmed. Frodo Mentions this to Strider who immediately proposes to go and search for Merry himself, but before he can Merry flings open the door and enters running, with one of the servant hobbits trailing him._

**Frodo**  - Merry! What happened?

**Merry**  - I was out walking and I saw a black shape near one of the end houses, it was whispering to a man inside. Recalling the Black Riders I turned to run away and must have made a sound because           it came after me! I tripped and then all I recall is feeling cold.... and it went black. When I woke up I ran straight here.

**Bob**  (servant) - I was looking for Master Merry and I saw a black shape lean over him and he started to whimper so I shouted, and as I approached with the lantern it hissed and ran off. Once I got to him he started to come too and then ran back here looking like he had seen a ghost!

**Merry**  - It was looking for the R...

**Strider**  - Hush now. Keep your secrets close

**Merry**  - Who are you?

**Frodo**  - He's a ... friend?

**Strider**  - indeed. I suggest you read that letter Frodo. It may be important

**Frodo**  - Of course! * _gasps_ * this is Gandalf writing!

_He reads the letter aloud._

_D **ear Frodo,**_

**_If you are reading this I'm already dead. Just kidding, I’m not!! Well not right now anyhow. However I cannot return to the Shire as DIRE events occurred. See I underlined it to show how serious this is! Like super serious!! He knows where the ring is! You must flee! Along the road you may meet a friend of mine; his name is Aragorn, or Strider. He knows of your quest and will help you! He may seem dodgy, but he’s ok. Honest._ **

****

**_All that is gold doesn't glitter_** _..._ blah blah blah... what is this??

**Pippin**  - that doesn't sound good....

**Frodo**  - Wait, there’s more scribbled on the back...

**_Frodo we are out of time. The 9 are coming. FLEE!!!_ **

**Frodo**  - This was dated 2 months ago! We could have been safely away if we had received this!!

**Sam**  - What's that Rhyme?

**Aragorn**  - It was written for me. It would be better to stay in this room tonight. They know you are here, and the rooms for hobbits are easy to find. Since they are on the ground floor and all...

**Sam**  - Why?? Why should we trust you?

**Frodo**  - We have no choice Sam, this is for the best.

**Sam**  - He had better not try anthing creepy... 

 

 

_The hobbits all settle in the chairs and wait. One by one they fall asleep, except Frodo and Aragorn._

_In the room all is silent until with a slight squeak the window slowly opens and a black robed figure slowly slips through. It scans the room and signals for the rest to follow. 3 more robed figures slip inside & silently move into the middle of the room._

**Ring Wraith 1**  -  _*Whispers*_  Okay guys, here’s the plan

**Ring Wraith 2**  -  _*Loudly*_  Why are YOU in charge? The Witchking is leading the scouting group for that old geezer and he never said that we had to obey you!

**Ring Wraith 3** \- Does it matter who's in charge?

**Ring Wraith 2**  - Yes! It's the most important thing because...

**Ring Wraith 4** \- Shhh! You'll wake the prey

**Ring Wraith 3** \- They are awfully quiet....

**Ring Wraith 1**  - Let's keep it that way. So we each...

**Ring Wraith 2**  - He's doing it again!!!

**Ring Wraith 4** \- So what? Shut it!

**Ring Wraith 2**  - Shut... I used to be a KING you know!

**Ring Wraith 3** \- We ALL used to be kings idiot

**Ring Wraith 2**  - No you didn't. I'm the only one...

**Ring Wraith 4** \- No we all were. All 9 of us.

**Ring Wraith 2**  - But I...

**Ring Wraith 1**  - I will cut your goddamn throat if you don't shut up!!

**Ring Wraith 2**  - Fine. Tell your lame plan so we can fail and go home.

**Ring Wraith 1**  -  _*Glares at RW2*_  so, we each take a bed then on my signal we stab them in the hearts killing them instantly. Then we take the ring, call the eye and head off.

**Ring Wraith 2**  - Call?? How???

**Ring Wraith 4** \- We all have mobile palantirs duuh

**Ring Wraith 2**  - I don't

**Ring Wraith 3** \- What?? It's in the travel pack Frank gave us. We all got one. Even gave us a snack or two

**Ring Wraith 2**  - Oh... I left that crap behind

**Ring Wraith 1**  - WHAT!?!?!?!?!

**Ring Wraith 2**  - I wasn't gonna use it was I, and I needed room for my spare robes and shoes

**Ring Wraith 4** \- You're such a d*ck

**Ring Wraith 3** \- A tosser

**Ring Wraith 1**  - Agreed. So I'LL call then. Better?

**Ring Wraith 2**  - Yeah! You can be my lackey!!!  _\- He grins until he feels a knife against his throat-_  Or not....

_They all stand over the beds, and as one they stab down repeatedly. They pull back the blankets to find pillows! As feathers filled the air they stared at each other in shock_

**Ring Wraith 3** \- These aren't hobbits!

**Ring Wraith 2**  - How can you tell?? - _The others exchange glances -_

**Ring Wraith 4** \- Hobbits are not made of feathers. They're flesh and bone

**Ring Wraith 2**  - Then what did we kill??

**Ring Wraith 1**  - Pillows

_RW2 looks confused_

**Ring Wraith 1**  - You use them to support your head while you sleep. Everyone has them

**Ring Wraith 2**  - We never....

**Ring Wraith 1**  - What???? How old ARE you?

**Ring Wraith 2**  - Only 1500 why??

**Ring Wraith 3** \- Oh wow that is ... Ancient!

_RW2 shrieks with rage - this then wakes up the sleeping hobbits_

**Sam**  - What was that?

**Aragorn**  - Nazgul. Ringwraiths. Servants of the dark lord. Also known as the 9

**Frodo**  - From Gandalf’s letter?

**Aragorn**  - The very same. We will not be safe until morning, and then we flee.

_The Ringwraiths now call the Witchking_

**Witch King**  - Hello?

**Ring Wraith 1**  -  _*Clears throat*_ Hello boss

**Witch King**  - How goes the hunt?

**Ring Wraith 1**  - Well we found them, but I'm afraid they escaped!

**Witch King**  - *Silence*and HOW did they manage that? How did they escape your clutches??

**Ring Wraith 1**  - They were really smart and made it look like they were in bed, but it was really pillows and blankets.....

**Witch King**  - WHAAAAAT!?!?!?! Why didn't you search for them???

**Ring Wraith 1**  - Well we were discovered and had to flee, but we are on their trail I swear!!

**Witch King**  - You had better be. Or you all suffer.

_As the Witchking cancels the call the thinks "F**King Idiots" and goes to report to Sauron. Or preferably Frank who would actually listen and be of help._

 


	9. The Wild

_The next Day Bree awoke to find every horse had vanished, fleeing the town. In desperation Aragorn bought a Pony from a suspicious man named Bill Ferny. The creature was starved and mistreated and soon grew to love Sam (who fed it often). As they left town Bill the Pony even managed to kick Bill Ferny to everyone’s amusement. Aragorn led the hobbits into the Wilds and they travelled swiftly as the fear of the Black Riders was great. Now a heavy choice lay on Aragorn’s shoulders and he decided to ask them hobbits_

**Aragorn** – Now I’ve called his meeting to discuss the path we will take from here

 **Sam** \- Umm we don’t actually know where we are you know...

 **Aragorn** – Yes, let me explain that. We’re in the middle of no-where. We can carry on where we are and go across heavy terrain like the Midgewater Marshes we just travelled, or head to the road near Amon Sûl where the going will be easier but the danger increases.

 **Frodo** – A difficult choice. I think you will choose the right choice

 **Aragorn** – Umm thanks? Oh sod it we’ll go to Amon Sûl.

 **Pippin** – What is it?

 **Aragorn** – It’s an old watch tower of the Northern Kingdom. It was destroyed in the war and has the best view of the road and the surrounding area. It has the highest chance of finding Gandalf.

 **Frodo** – So Amon Sûl it is.

 

_They sneak across to the watchtower at dusk and Frodo and Aragorn climb to the top while the others made camp and found the rocks up the top were blackened as if by lightning, except one which had scratches on it._

**Aragorn** – Gandalf was here. Perhaps he left a message?

_They pick up the rock and see it was the elven symbol for G._

**Aragorn** – He was here, but left after the fight.

 **Frodo** – Fight? Who did he fight??

 **Aragorn** – The Ringwraiths, Probably the other 5. Explains why they all were not all there when they attacked Bree and how we escaped.

 **Frodo** – How can you tell?

 **Aragorn** – Easy. They dropped a business card see _– Holds out a small blackened parchment –_

 **Frodo** – Huh let me see that...

 

**_The WitchKing_ **

_Floor 457_ [ _Barad-dûr_ ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barad-d%C3%BBr) _,_

_Mordor_

_Middle Earth_

_Palantir 775 44567232_

_Ask me about our Slayer Rates_

**_We Will rule Middle Earth!_ ** _Follow me on TheWKing@MiddleEarth.PV_

 

 **Frodo** – Well that’s disturbing...

 **Aragorn** – Indeed... Oh, look at the back... It has writing?

 **Frodo** – If you can call it that... Err let’s see... Have you seen hobbits? If you assist we will... Grant? Yes grant you a quick death. What is this?

 **Aragorn** – I’m going to guess they can’t, or won’t talk to Mortals? Wait... Get down! _– Drags Frodo to the floor and points to 3 dark figures in the road._

 **Frodo** – Did they see us?

 **Aragorn** – I cannot say, it’s a bad idea to linger. Let’s go.

 

_They find the others in a clearing and they settled into camp. Aragorn finds proof Rangers had camped there recently and bade them to light a fire_

**Sam** – Well I was going to so I can cook, but why?

 **Aragorn** – The fire will help us in case of attack. Food is also a good idea though. Well done

 **Pippin** – Who would attack?

 **Merry** – Pip, who do you think?

 **Pippin** – Oh. So what are you planning to cook?

 

_They took it in turns to take watch and at Midnight the Ringwraiths attacked. The hobbits were overwhelmed, merry and pippin immediately and Sam attempted to fight but was knocked down. Frodo put on the ring in an attempt to hide, to discover the Ringwraiths could see him! Aragorn proved to be highly skilled and fought them using a flaming branch. Frodo was cornered by the Witchking and tried to fight him off unsuccessfully. He was knocked down and managed to stab him in the foot before the Witchking stabbed Frodo’s shoulder before he was hit in the face by the flaming Branch and in the groin by Sam’s well placed frying pan. The Ringwraiths were driven off after this. Frodo pulled off the ring and they began to try to help him. Aragorn picked up the blade and examined it with a frown._

 

 **Aragorn** – A Morgul-blade. Keep him warm, I must gather some herbs immediately!

 

_Sam built up the Fire and they bathed his wound as best they could. Before long Aragorn had returned with sweet smelling herbs which he steeped in water. The steam refreshed them all and Aragorn bound Frodo’s wound with the herbs then they set off.  They took the path that led away from the road and Bill the pony carried Frodo. They travelled through rough terrain and came across Trolls – The same ones from Bilbo’s stories! They rested there and Frodo felt heartened by the link to Bilbo’s own story. Eventually they had to return to the road to use a bridge that was the only way to cross the river. There they found an Elf token in the road and crossed, following the road. They soon had to hide as they could hear a horse. Luckily it was Glorfindol a friend of Aragorn who was looking for them to help. They got to the bridge when they heard the Ringwraiths coming, all 9 of them so Glorfindol put Frodo on his horse and bade it to cross the bridge. Just as Frodo was across and the Ringwraiths approached the bridge, the river rose up and washed them away._


	10. Rivendale

_Frodo awoke in Rivendale to see Gandalf sat next to him..._

**Frodo** – Oh no... Has Aragorn’s crazy rub off on me??

 **Gandalf** – No, I’m real. By the way you were supposed to ask where you were.

 **Frodo** – Really?

 **Gandalf** – Yes, it’s in the books. And the script.

 **Frodo** – The what?

 **Gandalf** – Nothing, just a vision of the future, Carry on.

 **Frodo** – Okay….? Let’s begin again  _*Closes eyes*_

_Frodo awoke in Rivendale to see Gandalf sat next to him._

**Frodo** – Where... where am I?

 **Gandalf** – You are in Rivendale, the home of Elrond. And it’s October 24 th if you’re interested.

 **Frodo** – Rivendale? I remember the riders were behind me and then it went dark.

 **Gandalf** – Yes you were injured and nearly died. Luckily Lord Elrond’s healing skill is unrivalled. Well perhaps by  me.

 **Elrond** – In your dreams perhaps. Welcome Frodo. I am Lord Elrond

 **Frodo** – Yes, Bilbo spoke of you often so I recognised you.

 **Elrond** \- _*smiles*_ Indeed. Now rest, and eat. I shall check on you later.

 **Frodo** – Oh, thank you Lord.

 **Elrond** \- Please, call me Elrond the mighty and powerful unrivalled Elf Lord

 **Gandalf** – Or just Lord Elrond

 **Elrond** – Spoilsport.

 

* * *

 

 

_Frodo soon got up and we re-united with his friends and he was also re-united with Bilbo and they spent the day talking. The next day Frodo and Bilbo were invited to a Council held by Elrond._

**Elrond** – Welcome to Rivendale, friends of Old. We have gathered here to discuss the threat of Sauron. We have a way to defeat him finally! _*Elf whispers in his ear*_ Yes, Like totally destroy him. For real. But I skip ahead. Let me tell you the story...

 **Gandalf** – Remember we are short of time my friend.

 **Elrond** \- _*Sighs*_ Fine! Lets begin with the updates of whats happening elsewhere.

_They all give their news, Gollum’s escape, the Ringwraiths trying to recruit the dwarves state of Gondor etc._

**Elrond** – In summary, Sauron is not dead, we were tricked. His power is growing and he needs just one thing to being his conquest, and we have it. Bring forth the Trinket Frodo, then sit please. Everyone, this is Frodo Baggins, a hobbit.

 **All** – Hello Frodo

_-Frodo places the ring where indicated then sits –_

**Gandalf** – _*Ahem*_ Frodo... When Elrond aid sit he meant in the chair, not on the ring. You’re not a hen after all.

 **Frodo** – Oh right... Sorry. _– Frodo sits in his chair again –_ Please carry on!

 **Bilbo** – Just like that Lowbrook lad...

 **Elrond** – Yes, yes. Behold the one ring. That which holds the Soul of Sauron _*all gasp_ * the Power of him _*all gasp*_ and the key to his destruction!

_*Elf promptly screams and faints*_

**Elf** – He’s over gasped!

 **Elrond** – Ugh, I would just like to point out we are not ALL that lame. Someone remove him so we can get this over with. So anyhow back to destroying the ring...

 **Boromir** – No! It is a gift! A gift to the foes of Mordor, Why not use it?

 **Elrond** – Next time please remember the rules, and wait your turn. Next… Aragorn.

 **Aragorn** – Thank you. You cannot wield it, none of us can. The one ring answers to Sauron alone.

 **Boromir** – And what would a ranger know of such matters?

 **Gandalf** – This is Aragorn II, son of Arathorn. Your king

 **Boromir** – Bah, can’t be.

 **Bilbo** – **_All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost_** **** _;_  
the old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost.  
From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring;  
Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king.

  **Boromir** – What’s that supposed to be?

 **Bilbo** – I wrote it for him.

 **Boromir** –Nice, it has a good flow, remind me to get you to pen one for me. Where was I? Oh yes, Isildur’s heir... Heir to the throne of Gondor _-Sits down looking thoughtful –_ The Dream Rhyme is making sense now...

 **Gandalf** – Err the what? _*Silence for a few minutes while they all stare at Boromir *_ No really, what are you talking about

 **Boromir** – I had a vision in a dream and my brother also had the dream. Epic battle scenes interrupted with a voice saying **“** ** _Seek for the Sword that was broken: In Imladris it dwells; There shall be counsels taken Stronger than Morgul-spells. There shall be shown a token, that Doom is near at hand, for Isildur's Bane shall waken, and the Halfling forth shall stand.”_** Not that it ALL make sense mind you...

 **Elrond** – Anyhow the ring must be destroyed. There is no other way

 **Gimli** – Well then, let’s get on with it! _– Tries to destroy the ring with an Axe and is thrown backwards, the axe shattering and causing people to dodge the flying shards, however the ring is ok –_ Or not...

 **Elrond** – Any other bright ideas? No? Good. The ring cannot be destroyed by any weapon we posses. According to the “Ultimate user guide to Rings of power” It must be taken to the fires of Mount Doom, Sammath Naur to be precise. Supposedly lovely at this time of year so i heard. Oh  and the ring must be thrown into the fires from whence it came

 **Elf** – what? 

_Elrond looks around, everyone seems confused_

**Elrond** – Gods dammit, it means where it was made. Pardon me for trying to make it more Epic

 **Boromir** – You failed.

 **Elrond** \- * _Glares_ * One of you must do this. I nominate Boromir the interrupter.

 **Boromir** – Are you kidding?? One cannot simply walk into Mordor! The mountains are impenetrable, the Black Gate guarded by more than Orcs 24/7. And if by some miracle you do get in there’s no food or water and even the air is difficult to breathe! And did I forget to mention the servants of the dark lord that roam the place at his will. This is the definition of a suicide mission

 **Legolas** – Have you heard anything Lord Elrond has said? The ring must be destroyed!

 **Gimli** – And I suppose you think you’re the Elf to do it?

 **Legolas** – Well, I never... What are you trying to say?

 **Gimli** – I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!

 

_This causes the meeting to erupt into chaos, arguments heating up until all hands (Expect Bilbo who was writing it all down and Frodo who was watching raptly until the ring begins to whisper to him)_

**Ring** – Hehe, yes! Kick that elf! KICK HIM! Oh, umm Frodo, I see you... there is no life in the abyss etc, etc deathly threats. Heh he’s so short! Guys! Come see the hobbit! Wait, no don’t push – Ouch! FRANK! He pushed me over! Who did? Aw there, there it’s ok. I got you.

**Frodo** – Oh for the love of! I’ll take it! Anything to shut this nonsense up!!  Plus Boromir’s Rhyme said I would so the evidence is against me

  _All fall silent and Gandalf looks upset_

 **Frodo**  – I will take the ring to Mordor, Mostly because it’s annoying me. So if you could give me directions, a map perhaps? Oh and supplies

 **Gandalf** – Crap….You shall not bear this burden alone. I will go with you.

 **Aragorn** – You have my sword

 **Legolas** – And my bow

 **Gimli** – And my Axe! _*Thinks “Ha! That’ll show that elf! Wait a second... Damn my glorious valid Ego!”*_

 _Sam leaps up and runs into view_ – 

 **Sam** \- Mr Frodo isn’t going anywhere without me!

 **Elrond** – Indeed, it hardly seems possible to separate you, even when he is invited to a secret meeting and you are not.

 **Sam** – Sorry sir, it’s my job _._

_*Thinks “Oh yes, I see through you Mr Elf. You want that ring out of here for some reason. Weren’t there rings for elves? Could he ... no it’s not possible, is it? I’ll ask Gandalf.”*_

**Elrond** – Oh Boromir, you’re going too.

 **Boromir** – Shit! Why???

 **Elrond** – They are travelling the same way as you. It makes sense to travel together, minimise risks etc. Also I’d like to be able to talk without interrupt…

 **Boromir** – I got here on my own just fine. Well except I lost my horse... and how safe can travelling with the ring of power actually be?

 **Elrond** – Whatever. You’re going. Also I want the number going to be Nine, the nine walkers against the Nine Riders.  You shall be the fellowship of the ring.

 

_After the meeting Merry and Pippin declare they want to go as well and at first Elrond refuses, until Gandalf persuades him to change his mind. Then they rush to prepare for the long journey. Bilbo upset at missing out consoles himself by giving Frodo his sword Sting and his Mithril coat for protection_


	11. Moria

_The fellowship left Rivendale and set course for Mordor. They were led by Gandalf and Aragorn and enjoyed travelling the lands until they became more hostile. After fighting off an attack or two they discovered their chosen route was being watch by the enemy and they had to decide on a new path._

_As his Kinsman Balin had left for Moria Gimli wanted to go there but Gandalf was unwilling and decided to try the mountain Pass of_ _Caradhras_ _to be driven back by massive snowfall which threatened to engulf them. This left them Moria, a last resort for Gandalf. They travelled the lands of Hollin, elf lands from long ago. There they fought off a wolf attack and eventually reached the gates, next to a large lake_

 

 **Pippin** – It’s locked.

 **Gandalf** – Indeed, Hidden doors to kingdoms usually are

 **Pippin** – Do we knock? Ring the doorbell?

 **Merry** – There no doorbell Pip. Doubt they were created back then anyhow

 **Pippin** – Oh good point. Got it! Gandalf can magic up a doorbell and we can attach to to the door and the problem is solved!

 **Merry** – Who would open the door, if it’s been long deserted?

 **Pippin** – Didn’t Gimli say his family was here?

 **Gimli** – You were  listening to that? Huh… I owe the elf my lunch for two days then… damn elf!

 **Merry** – And you don’t think they’d had let us know they were here?

 **Pippin** – Fine, I’ll go think on another plan, its ok I think on it and then hey Presto, well get in!

 **Sam** – Who’s Presto?

 **Legolas** – Where is he? He sounds suspicious, is he a dwarf?

 **Gimli** – Hey!! Is he a wizard?

 **Gandalf** – No we have no one of that name in our order. Now shut up and let me think please

_Gandalf stares at the wall until he notices a faint outline and then shows them the door explaining it could only be opened by a password. They then spend the next couple of hours trying to think of what the password would be._

**Gandalf** – Let’s see “The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. I, Narvi, made them. Celebrimbor of Hollin drew these signs." I’ve tried all sorts of things, but it must be in there!

 **Merry** – Umm Gandalf? What does it mean by speak, friend, and enter? Isn’t the grammar a little off?

 **Gandalf** – Speak Friend, Oh of course! Merry you’re a genius! The password is the elvish word for friend!

_He approaches the door and says “_ _Mellon_ _" and the door opens. Frodo and Aragorn notice a strangle ripple on the water_

**Aragorn** – Well done Merry!

_Suddenly a tentacle shoots out the water and grabs Frodo, who promptly cries “why meee” and “Gods Damned ring” while the beast attacks the others. Luckily the others manage to drive if off with an epic catch from Boromir when Frodo was dropped, and the beast destroys the door seemingly out of spite._

 

 **Boromir** – Well there goes our way out! We’d better get some light and see if there are any injuries!

 **Pippin** – I think I hurt my brain! Also Great Catch!!

 **Merry** – No danger there then... wait is someone crying?

 **Gandalf** – Is that... Frodo?

 **Frodo** \- _*Sniffs*_ ye... yes. It’s me

 **Gandalf** – My dear fellow what on earth is wrong? – _They hastily light torches and gather around him –_ Frodo, tell me what’s upset you my lad

 **Frodo** \- _*Sniffs*_ Well ... I was groped by a monster, hit my hand on a rock and I... I lost my shoes! _*sobs loudly*_

 **Sam** – Mr Frodo? We don’t wear shoes... How could you have lost them?

 **Frodo** – They were in my pack. Just in case I needed them.

 **Legolas** – Err... How about I get you a new pair? I'll even let you choose the colour _*Grins hopefully*_

 **Sam** – Oh yeah, we’ll all go and help choose them. Will that be ok?

 **Frodo** – Yeah, thanks guys _*Gives a teary smile*_ you’re the best _*hugs Sam and goes the hug the others who hurried back off claiming they were busy*_

 

 **Boromir** – Do you do that alot, coz it’s kinda weird you know? Anyhow is the soppy moment over now? Coz there’s a metric ton of skeletons here that no one’s paying attention to except me

 **Merry** –they do, you’ll get used to it. It’s a bromance thing

 **Aragorn** – What are you talking about? Oh shit he’s right!

 **Sam** – Who were they??

 **Gandalf** – Dwarves, all fairly recent. This bodes Ill for Balin.

 **Boromir** – this place, it’s a tomb!

 **Gimli** – No! Nooo! Balin owed me gold, he can’t be dead. _*Others stare at him*_ and I like… love him etc. Not in a Frodo and Sam way but still… So *A _hem_ * what happened here?

 **Legolas** –Goblins _. *holds out an arrow for inspection*_

 **Aragorn** – Let’s proceed with caution.  I’d like to get out of here with as little drama as possible

 **Merry** – Is that likely?

 **Aragorn** – I can hope, after all I packed lightly.

 **Merry** – Uh, I see?

 

_They all walk through Moria as silently as possible, Merry gagging Pippin to be sure, and they made good time until they reached a cross roads Gandalf did not recognise. They sit and rest while he thinks on this._

**Boromir** – Brother, have you thought of where we travel once we leave this accursed hole?

 **Gimli** – Hey!

 **Boromir** – Oh come on, even you have to admit this is less than we expected with bodies and all sorts of creepy crap abound

 **Gimli** – Yeah true...

 **Boromir** – Anyhow what is our path?

 **Aragorn** – I know not. Gandalf is the only one who knows his chosen route

 **Boromir** – I see. I only hope that you will take rest in my... Our fair city

 **Aragorn** – As do I. My heart yearns to see the white city once more

 **Boromir** – As does mine

 **Legolas** – Gay...

 **Gimli** – Tell me about it! You’d never catch a dwarf talking as such

 **Legolas** – Nor us elves! Now would you like me to help re-braid your hair?

 **Gimli** – Oh would you? It’s so difficult to get a battle-braid perfect with no mirrors

 **Boromir** – And that’s not gay huh

 

_Gandalf, fed up of the others stupid conversations sits alone until Frodo joins him_

**Frodo** \- Gandalf?

 **Gandalf** – Yes my lad?

 **Frodo** – Can I talk with you? Everyone else are occupied with menial tasks and banal chatter that ultimately serve no purpose except to pass time. However while trying to ignore Legolas’s “10 ways for the perfect braid” lecture I noticed we were being followed.

 **Gandalf** – Yes, it’s Gollum. Or the “Deeper creeper” as he’s now insisting on being called, judging by the graffiti down here. It’ll never catch on. He’s been following us for 3 days now

 **Frodo** – He may give us away. It’s a pity Bilbo didn’t kill him when he had the chance!

 **Gandalf** \- Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that die deserve life, and some that live deserve death. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play, for good or ill, before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many.

 **Frodo -** I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

 **Gandalf** \- So do all who live to see such times; but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

 **Frodo** – I hope it’s something painful, like falling into Lava

 **Gandalf** – Hmm?

 **Frodo** – Oh Gollum’s fate I mean

 **Gandalf** –Ah, That’s rather specific… and violent for you

 **Frodo** – I’ve had a fair amount of time to think on this, plus I have a bad feeling about him

 **Gandalf -**  I see. Oh, we go this way!

 **Pippin** – How can you tell? You remembered?

 **Gandalf** – Were you eavesdropping? And no, but if in doubt always follow your nose!

 **Pippin** – Cheap advice

 

* * *

 

_The fellowship reaches the lower halls and as the gaze around in amazement they spot a small chamber to one side flooded with light_

**Pippin** – Oh cool! Let’s race to it!

_Gimli runs off_

**Pippin** – Hey no fair!

 **Gandalf** – Gimli! No cheating!

_Gimli suddenly stops and slowly walk into the room, and when the others reach the door they see him kneeling in front of a tomb weeping_

**Gandalf** \- _*Leans over and reads*_ Here lies Balin, son of Fundin. Lord of Moria. So he is dead. We are in the Chamber of Mazarbul, let us look around and see if we can discover what happened

 **Pippin** – How do you know what it’s called?

 **Gandalf** – The sign on the door

 **Pippin** – Less impressed now….

 **Gandalf** – Oh shut up

 

_They find a book, partially burned, bloodied and slashed and Gandalf takes it_

**Gandalf** – It’s an account of their expedition. I can’t read much more than the last words. Err they were written by Ori if anyone’s interested **_“Balin was declared Lord of Moria via the Dibbs system... Balin was killed by an orc archer in the_** ** _Dimrill Dale_** ** _... Got the bastard and Balin was ... Ah was buried in the Chamber of Mazarbul...  We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. We cannot get out. They have taken the Bridge and the Second Hall._** ** _Frár_** ** _and_** ** _Lóni_** ** _and_** ** _Náli_** ** _fell there. The pool is up to the wall at the Westgate._** ** _The Watcher_** ** _in the water took_** ** _Óin_** ** _. We cannot get out. The end comes. Drums, drums in the deep. They are coming."_**   The poor fools

 

* * *

 

 

**_Suddenly the room seems to spin and they find themselves outside next to a pair of Goblin archers!_ **

_B_ _efore they could react a goblin spoke_

**G** _**oblin1** – Why are we on guard duty again?_

_**Goblin2** – We can stand the light better_

_**G** _ **oblin1**  _– Oh, That sucks. Stupid natural selection! Being superior sucks!_

**_Boromir ties to behead one with no effect and Aragorn stops him from trying again_ **

 

_**Pippin** – I... I can understand them! Wow I’m good_

_**Merry** – We call can you fool. Shut up and listen_

**_All is silent and as they begin to get bored_ **

 

_**Goblin2** – Look at the lake!_

_**G** _ **oblin1**  _– Yeah it’s pretty, wet and blue all the things we discussed a million times_

_**Goblin2** – Seriously look!_

_**G** _ **oblin1**  _– It’s a... dot?_

_**Goblin2** – No! It’s the dwarven leader_

_**G** _ **oblin1**  _– You sure?_

_**Goblin2** – Yeah I recognised him from when he killed Glúk_

_**G** _ **oblin1**  _– Ok. What... what do we do?_

_**Goblin2** – Let’s just watch for now_

_**G** _ **oblin1**  _– Aren’t we under orders to kill on sight?_

__**Goblin2**   - _and we can’t leave our post. Plus he’s way to strong_

_**G** _ **oblin1**  _ – we have bows_

__**Goblin2**  _– Yeah and remember you’re a rubbish shot? You killed Lúrzk_

__**G** _ **oblin1**  _ _– Yeah, good times_

 

**_While this goes on Balin stares into the pool deep in thought_ **

 

__**G** _ **oblin1**  _ _– Hey, look is that a bear?_

_Goblin2 – Where?_

__**G** _ **oblin1**  _ _– Drinking from the pool_

__**Goblin2**  _– Near the dwarf?_

__**G** _ **oblin1**  _ _ – Err yeah. Oh it noticed him. That’s not good_

___**Goblin2**  __– This’ll get messy_

__**G** _ **oblin1**  _ _– Do you think he saw it?_

___**Goblin2**  __– well it’s a friggin bear, he must have right?_

__**G** _ **oblin1**  _ _– He’s not moving..._

___**Goblin2**  __– Then no, no he hasn’t seen it_

___**G** _ **oblin1**___ – It’ll kill him. Kill him dead!_

___**Goblin2**  __– Well how else will it kill him? Kill him slightly?_

___**G** _ **oblin1**___ \- Don’t be mean._

___**Goblin2**  __– Damn it all... I guess we have to warn him_

___**G** _ **oblin1**___ – Why? He’s an enemy_

___**Goblin2**  __– Well I ain’t watching a bear eat someone!_

___**G** _ **oblin1**___ – It’s only a dwarf and we eat people all the time!_

____**Goblin2**___  – I don’t, you’ll go blind if you do. Plus the GK wanted to kill him personally_

___**G** _ **oblin1**___ \- Why call him the GK? Goblin king sounds more respectful_

____**Goblin2**___ – Makes him more approachable. Anyhow he will be pissed off if a bear get that dwarf_

_Go _ _ **G** _ **oblin1**___ blin1 – Yeah we gotta save him. I’ll try to get a message across to him attached to an arrow_

____**Goblin2**___  – You have no aim..._

____**G** _ **oblin1**____ – Yeah, that’s why if I aim for him I can’t hit him_

____**Goblin2**___ – Yeah he’ll be safe then_

____**G** _ **oblin1**____  rises and tests the wind_

____**Goblin2**___ – It’s getting closer..._

 

**_Goblin1 leisurely picks an arrow and writes the note_ **

_____**Goblin2**____ – It’s really close now_

**_Goblin1 loses the arrow and it flies straight... into a pillar of rock, narrowly misses a bird, bounces off a tree and hits Balin in the middle of his back. He slowly falls forward into the pool and the bear runs off alarmed_ **

_____**Goblin2**____ \- *Flatly* you killed him. You missed the giant BEAR and hit the Dwarf_

____**G** _ **oblin1**____ – It was an accident!_

_____**Goblin2**____ – The Goblin king will kill us..._

____**G** _ **oblin1**____ – DAMN IT ALL TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL!_

 

**_As the fellowship watch two dwarves run up to Balin_ **

 

_**Frár** – Balin? No! My Lord Balin has been slain!_

_**Náli** – He’s not just your lord, and is that a note? – Picks it up -_

_**Frár** – What does it say?_

_**Náli** – No idea, its all Orc to me. Let’s take him back; the others will want to know._

_**The scene fades as they stare at each other in surprise** _

* * *

 

**Aragorn** – What... What the hell was that!?!

 **Frodo** – I was scared! And confused

 **Sam** – I’d protect you Mr Frodo!

 **Frodo** – Oh Sam! _*they hug*_

 **Boromir** – Oh come on! We are in a tomb people! Show some respect!

 **Legolas** – SO getting this conversation on, safer ground I believe that is a phenomenon called a “flashback”. Rather far back in this case.

 **Pippin** – Wow

 **Boromir** – Interesting, but more importantly will it happen again? And can we get going? We’re kinda trapped here if the worst happens

 **Gandalf** – It may be easier said than done

 **Sam** – Look!

_*points to a group of bewildered goblins including two who look sheepish and trying to slink away*_

**Boromir** – Oh shit!

 **Aragorn** – So much for my uneventful trip...

 

_There is a brief fight but violent during which Frodo gets stabbed by a spear and Sam hits his head after which they flee, with Aragorn carrying Frodo and Boromir carrying Sam while Gandalf barricades the door with a spell. Suddenly he came flying down the stairs and explains that the tomb is now buried under tons of stone due to his spell reacting to an unknown power. After they realise Frodo is alive and quickly tend to him and Sam before carrying on downwards._

 

* * *

 

 

_The Fellowship was stuck, they needed to go down until they reached the bridge and then across to the back gate. They travelled in darkness as Gandalf was too weak to give them light. They walked for what seemed like hours until they saw a glimmer of red ahead. They emerged to see the lower levels were aflame and Gandalf exhaled loudly_

**Gandalf** – Ah I see. This has turned into a fortunate event; the way I would had gone would have trapped us in these flames!

 **Pippin** – That sounds bad

 **Gandalf** – Indeed. Let’s press on

 **Aragorn** – Listen, drums again. We must be careful

 **Boromir** – Bugger the drums, I can see the bridge!

_As they reach the bridge the goblins cower and as they hesitate a shadow appears behind them_

**Gimli** – Oh that’s not good!

 **Frodo** – Gandalf? I’m scared...

 **Sam** – It’s ok Mr Frodo; we won’t let you get hurt. More than you already are anyhow...

 **Frodo** – Oh Sam!

_They hug and Boromir pretends to vomit. As they begin to cross the bridge the shadow causes the flames to dim then crosses them. When they spot him Gimli and Legolas freeze._

**Gimli** – Durin’s bane!

 **Legolas** – Aieee!

 **Gandalf** – Run, get across now!

_Gandalf is the last to cross and as he reaches halfway the Balrog reaches the bridge. Gandalf turns to face him._

**Gandalf** – You shall not pass

 **Balrog** – I live here. Who are you to give me orders?

 **Gandalf** – Be gone foul demons

 **Balrog** – Excuse me? I’m not foul  & I’m late for yoga!

 **Gandalf** – What’s th... Never mind. Be gone

 **Balrog** – So rude! This is why I hate mortals, I mean it’s my pet peeve rudeness. Right?

_Balrog turns to the goblins who nod in agreement_

**Gandalf** – 'I am servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn. Go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass! And I’m not rude

 **Balrog** – Hmm A wizard? I love to kill wizards!

_The Balrog creates a whip of flames and attacks. Gandalf repels it and attacks which the Balrog dodges. As the Balrog steps onto the bridge which crumbles. As it falls the Balrog grabs onto the bridge with the whip but it also catches Gandalf. The weight pulls them both down_

**Gandalf** – fly you fools!

 

_As the fellowship try to reach him he falls into the abyss. Horrified they pause until Boromir brings them to their senses and they flee slaying the goblins in their way until they reach the back gate and escape into the sun. Aragorn decides to take them to Lothlórien. As they reach the Mirror mere Gimli takes Frodo and Sam to look into it and tells them about it. They leave and walk for a while and Sam and Frodo slowly begin to lag behind. Legolas notices and calls the group to a halt. They halt and   rest while Aragorn treats their wounds with Kings foil and they all feel refreshed. The group are amazed to find Frodo’s Mithril coat. After they admire it they continue aiming to reach the wood by night. They finally reach Loren and rest on the river bank while Legolas sings to them before crossing into the safety of the wood_


	12. Lothlórien

_As they enter the woods the fellowship are cautious, aware that they were being watched. Just before night fell the elves revealed themselves and introduced themselves. They also warned them that a hunting party had been spotted and were close. The fellowship were then led to the closest Talan (a sleeping platform) where they were to pass the night before being escorted to Caras Galadhon in the morning._

_There were only two incidents that night, Pippin tried to use a squirrel as a pillow and got bitten, and Frodo discovered they had been followed. He was woken by a hissing sound and when looking off the end of the platform he saw two pale luminous eyes peering up and muttering about Elves when suddenly it fled scared off by the elves approach. When morning came he forgot all about it as there was an argument over Gimli. The elves were distrustful of him and wanted to bind his eyes, and he was not happy about it. It was finally ended when Aragorn decided they would all be blindfolded and the elves agreed to lead them carefully. On the way Aragorn took Frodo and Sam to see Cerin Amroth where Elanor grows, and explains that they now stood in the heart of_ _Lothlórien_ _where stood the house of Amroth before he was lost. They went on to Caras Galadhon and were met by the Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel and spent time explaining their mission, telling their tale and having their mind probed by Lady Galadriel (Which later led to a brief argument between Gimli and Celeborn over who she really loved – this was quickly quashed by Legolas.)_

_They rested for what seemed like months, never seeing their hosts to much dismay and much confusion by Pippin who began to refer to them as the dream elves until Legolas stopped him and explained, and more effectively Boromir threatened to Dropkick some respect into him. – This was not an idle threat as he had previously found out – Time passed slowly, softly and their bodies healed and their grief became more bearable._

_One night Galadriel appeared beckoning to Frodo. He followed her accompanied by Sam who was uninvited but welcome. She led them to a shallow bowl and filled it with water while they joined her._

**Galadriel** – Welcome. Look into the mirror

 **Frodo** – What will I see?

 **Galadriel** – Many things. Things that were, things that are and things that may come to pass if you fail

 **Sam** – Yeah that’s clear * _Galadriel Glares_ * Mrs Elf-lady

 **Galadriel** – Look and see for yourself Samwise

_Sam looks and see’s the shire being deforested and dug up. He looks up distraught until Galadriel steps forward calming him_

**Sam** – they, they burned it! I must go home now! They kicked the Gaffer out and...

 **Galadriel** – Enough Samwise, It’s ok you’re path will lead you there soon. Frodo?

 

_Frodo walks forward and see’s Sauron’s eye. As he leaned forward they ring fell forward and nearly gave him away, but Frodo leaned back in time and fell backwards panting._

_Galadriel and Frodo spoke about what he had seen and he offered her the ring, and she seemed to grow taller, darker and more beautiful_

**Galadriel** \- And now at last it comes. You will give me the Ring freely! In place of the Dark Lord you will set up a Queen. And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!

_With that she steps back and returned to normal_

**Galadriel** \- I pass the test, I will diminish, and go into the West and remain Galadriel.

_After a brief discussion Frodo and Sam realise they have to leave son_

_On the day they are to leave the elves provide boats, food and cloaks that would hide them from unfriendly eyes. They were also shown how to pack the boats and how to get in and out safely after Sam crashed the boat into the bank while loading, fallen out and nearly drowned the elf that saved him. They began to row and as they approached the borders of Loren they were hailed by their hosts who had set a feast for them and bade them to follow them and eat with them before they leave._

_After they had eaten they had eaten they were presented with gifts from the Lord and Lady. Merry ad Pippin received daggers, Sam some soil from Galadriel’s gardens in a box, Frodo received a vial of starlight, Aragorn a scabbard, Boromir a belt, Legolas a bow and Gimli asked for a strand of her hair and received three. As they left the elves accompanied them to the borders and Galadriel sang farewell to them._


	13. Saruman’s Army

_Saruman was sat at his desk writing a letter_

**Dearest Gandalf.**

**I hope this letter finds you well. I myself am stressed but good.**

**Please reconsider. I do wish you would join me in overthrowing**

**Saruman, no that’s me, Sauron is who we need to overthrow!**

**Maybe smoking a bushel of Hobbiton finest was a bad idea.**

**Miss you! Join me!**

**S**

_Behind him the palantir begins to flash and he accepts the call_

**Sauron** – Hello?

 **Saruman** – Hi

 **Sauron** – Is this Saruman?

 **Saruman** – No. _*Pause*_ I’m kidding, it is.

 **Sauron** – Okay... So anyhow I have a task for you. The ring is in your vicinity, I want you to capture it and send it to me! I’ll send minions to assist. Oh it’s carried by hobbits

 **Saruman** – How do you know this?

 **Sauron** – I received a report from the Balrog in Moria. I had sent their descriptions out everywhere just in case and it payed off. Balrog was killed though he took their leader out with him. I got a video of them fighting and then falling! Look it’s uh, who is this again? _\- Shows picture of Gandalf_ _-_

 **Saruman** – Gandalf!?!

 **Sauron** – That’s the name! So anyhow he’s dead and it’s the perfect time to strike! later!

_Hangs up_

_Saruman sits there pondering how to verify this_

_Several hours later a servant knocks and enters_

**Servant** – My lord I have the elven paper you requested

 **Saruman** – Good, leave it on the table and check in with Johnson about our... experiment

_Servant bows and exits and Saruman picks up the paper and begin to read_

_**Lothlórien Ledger** _

__

_**Loren received first visitors in months!** _

_**This month we are pleased to play host to the first dwarven visitor since Durin! We have received confirmation** _

_**our visitors are none other than Aragorn heir of  Isildur, Boromir son of Denethor, Legolas Greenleaf son of Thranduil,** _

_**Gimli son of Gloin and Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Peregrin Took and Meriadoc  Brandybuck of the shire!** _

_**Their visit is expected to be another month of more so  please feel free to come and great our new friends!** _

__

_**Mithrandir dead!** _

_**Mithrandir our beloved friend has passed on!** _

_**He was lost in Moria when he bravely fought and defeated the Balrog of Moria a terrible foe!** _

_**No more details have been confirmed and this reporter was thrown out for  Insubordinate behaviour.** _

_**We will  update you all when we can!** _

__

_Saruman re-read the article then angrily balled it up and threw it into the fire._

**Saruman** – Shit! What now? None of the order comes close to his potential. Argh!

_Saruman decides to look in on his experiment to cheer himself up so he goes outside and strolls over to the largest pit where he carefully walks down the long narrow, muddy path (Last time he had fallen it had taken a day to clean the robes)_

**Saruman** – How fare they?

 **Johnson** – _(Looks around)_ Oh my lord! Welcome. It’s not too good I’m afraid

 **Saruman** – Why not?

 **Johnson** – Well we just can’t get them to ...well...mate sire, we have tried just about everything we can think of! They just try to kill each other

 **Saruman** – Damn, have you tried threats?

 **Johnson** – Yes sir

 **Saruman** – Torture?

 **Johnson** – Yes sir, twice sir

 **Saruman** – Have we tried ... romance?

 **Johnson** – Romance sir?

 **Saruman** – you know a nice meal,  music, candles etc

 **Johnson** – That... May work. Unsure if they can understand the concept sir, and where will we find music sir? None here can play any instrument

 **Saruman** \- I can try to learn how to play the violin. With my knowledge and skills it should be easy. We will also need to dress up the subjects... somehow

 **Johnson** – Oh I can do that sir. Err do you mean a dress is required? For the uh, "female"?

_Both take a minute to picture this and shudder_

**Saruman** –... Maybe not. I’ll leave it to you

 **Johnson** – Good idea sir

 

_Saruman goes back to the tower to do the accounts and forget that image as best he could and to start learning the violin. After several long wearing hours he was pleased to hear a knock on the door_

**Saruman** – Enter

_Johnson appears sporting a black eye and several cuts_

**Saruman** – Johnson? What happened?

 **Johnson** – Well sir, the "female" was ... resistant to our plans. But we managed it!

 **Saruman** – Well done! Well done indeed! Is everything else in place? Good. I shall fetch the violin then watch the magic begin * _Winks_ *

 **Johnson** – Sir, watching may not be a good idea

 **Saruman** – Good point. Let’s go

_Saruman stands at the edge of the pit staring below in horror surrounded by his workers_

**Saruman** – Well... at least we know this works! Somewhat

 **Johnson** – Yes sir

 **Saruman** – And the dress was rather pretty

 **Johnson** – Thank you sir, Made it myself

 **Saruman** – Quick question, did anyone know they both hated the colour blue?

 **Johnson** – No sir

 **Saruman** – Ah. Next time let’s just not let either wear it

 **Johnson** – So it seems sir

 **Saruman** – Okay * _sighs_ * I’ll go inform the eye. Maybe ask for some tips?

 **Johnson** – As you say sir. I’ll keep on working here

 

_Sauron gets a PM from Saruman_

_**No1Wiz – Update on cross species cross breading – Disaster! Female remains stubborn and refuses to mate, male missing body parts due to fights. Suggestions will be very appreciated!! No sign of ring!** _

_**THEEYE – Simple fix – Get. Them. Drunk** _

_**No1Wiz – Oh cool! Thankies! XOXOXO** _

_**THEEYE – Don’t gay it up!** _

 

_The next day they test Sauron’s suggestion and were highly pleased with the results_

**Saruman** – I wonder, I want to test this further. I have visions of Orcs, tall as men able to withstand the sun and highly intelligent! Could have been a nightmare, but oh well. Is this possible?

 **Johnson** –I ... have no idea sir

 **Saruman** – It’s time for you to get your thinking cap on, or I’ll make you try it personally. Then you’ll get your drink on * _Grins_ *

 **Johnson** – Oh... I’ll go now sir


	14. The Parting

_After Leaving Lothlórien they travelled through Rohan via the river by day and resting at night until Aragorn felt it was too dangerous as they were being watched. This was met by disappointment from the fellowship and from Sauron and Saruman who had been raptly watching their "favourite show - **Hobbits Boating Habits** "._

_Sam was now the lookout - as he had caused several incidents and was no longer trusted with the oars (which made anyone who had sat near him very pleased and less concussed) - so he was the first to notice a log was following them. It was revealed that the log was being steered by Gollum who had been waiting for them outside Lórien. Luckily they lost him easily (which cheered Frodo up) and they even managed to catch some fish (Which cheered everyone else up as they were growing sick of Lembas bread)._

_One night as they travelled through a suspiciously quiet area they were attacked! Orcs had lain in wait and were now firing arrows at them! As the orcs had much better night vision they were unable to fight back so they made an escape bid, making sure the hobbits were out of harm’s way. They were almost through when a winged shadow that caused dread emerged. Just as it was about to attack it was shot down by Legolas and they escaped._

_Finally they reached the Falls of Rauros which marked the end of the river voyage. After they made camp a discussion arose about where they would travel next. Boromir made it plain he would travel to Gondor and urged the others to join him, some he convinced but others were afraid that they would get stuck there. As Frodo had the deciding vote he was allocated an hour’s thinking time then they would follow his lead._

_Frodo left the camp and wanders, deep in thought. As he is trying to decide how to tell the others his decision he was suddenly aware he was being watched_

 

 **Boromir** \- No one should be out here alone. You least of all.

_Frodo wheels around in alarm_

**Boromir** \- Fear not! 'Tis only me. We needed more firewood and the others are all brooding and gazing "soulfully" into the fire. I on the other hand already know my path so I need not worry. But you do, Worry I mean. I have seen it eat at you so you are restless while sleeping, you eat less, talk less hell you even hug Sam less for which I am not complaining...

 **Frodo** \- Have.... Have you been spying on me????

 **Boromir** \- No!

 **Frodo**  - Then how do you know all this?

 **Boromir** \- Well while on night watch I can hear you tossing...

_Frodo goes bright red_ _  
_

**Boromir** \- And..... Turning.... _*clears throat*_ Well, this is awkward!

 **Frodo** \- Indeed. Why do you..... Watch me?

 **Boromir** \- Because unlike the rest of us you were chosen to do this task, we have the option to leave but you do not. I just wanted to help.

 **Frodo** \- Oh. Thanks Boromir.

_There are a few minutes of silence where Frodo seems concerned_ _  
_

**Boromir** \- Would you share your thoughts? I would help if I am able. I'll admit I'm no Gandalf however I'd like to think I'm approchable 

 **Frodo** \- You would attempt to persuade me to go with you to Gondor! The City isn't strong enough to...

 **Boromir** \- Do not doubt our strength! And yes I would advise it! You need rest, we all need rest! And my city is the strongest place in leagues! I only want....

 **Frodo** \- The ring! It's why you were watching me!

 **Boromir** \- No! I disagree with destroying the power we need but I'd never take it from you!

 **Frodo** \- Liar!

_Boromir tries to take a step closer so Frodo grabs a fallen branch to ward him off._

_Boromir notices a black widow on the branch and falls still_

**Boromir** \- _*warningly*_ Frodo hand it over!

 **Frodo** \- No! I ... I won't!

 **Boromir** \- _*Yells*_ Frodo, Give it to me NOW!

_Frodo is now scared and throws the branch away, he then puts on the ring before Boromir can stop him_

**Boromir** \- Frodo? I'm Sorry, come back!

_Boromir is then kicked in the knee and falls on his face_

**Boromir** \- Frodo? _(Realises he is alone)_ I... I only wanted to help. What have I done? Why didn’t I tell him about the spider first and yell later...

 

_Boromir searches for a trail and when he cannot find one he returns to camp to get help._

_He found Aragorn and Legolas discussing a threat they could feel, and Gimli was teaching the other hobbits how to safely wield their daggers. Boromir dragged Aragorn to one side._

  **Boromir** \- My Brother I must tell you something, Frodo...

 **Aragorn** \- Ah yes, it has been long past the hour! We must call for him

 **Boromir** \- Please listen! I saw Frodo not 10 minutes past and I ... I may have scared him away

 **Aragorn** \- What do you mean?

 **Boromir** \- We were talking, he thought I wanted the ring and he fled

 **Aragorn** \- What!?! We must find him at once!

_This caused Panic as Merry & Pippin heedlessly ran off and Boromir chased after them, Sam headed in another direction followed by Aragorn and Legolas and Gimli wandered off._

 

  

* * *

 

_Frodo blindly ran, bumping into bushes & trees as he tried to escape. He slowly became aware of strange whispers and the urge to reveal himself to the Dark Lord...._

**Sam** \- That’s My Ring, Give it back. Return it at once Mortal! NOOOW! Ok now. now. now. damn it, you win this round halfthing. oh wait... Halfling? trifling? stilfling?

_Frodo takes off the ring and sits down, vaguely noticing he is on some steps carved into the stone._

_He sadly shakes his head and thinks "What do I do now?" Slowly he feels his courage returning and he decides to return to the camp. It was time to leave and begin the new step in his journey._

_Legolas and Gimli were tracking Orcs (and occasionally each other) and Aragorn had just picked up a trail. He cautioned Sam to stay close and he set off, but Sam soon fell behind. Tired he returned to camp in the hope that his hunch was right. Aragorn had gone for several miles before he realised Sam had gone and cursing he was about to turn back when the trail became clearer, leading towards Amon Hen. Torn between duties and seeing the seat of his family Aragorn paused, then decided to continue in the hopes he could see more from up high._

_Meanwhile Frodo reaches the camp and is surprised by Sam (Who does a very good sack impression) and he is persuaded to allow Sam to join him. - We would have shown this touching scene but it was claimed to be Gay and too soppy, and Legolas, Boromir and Aragorn all threatened to quit if we showed it saying it was bad enough to live through it once._

_As Aragorn studied the forest below the sound of a horn rang out_

**Aragorn** \- Boromir!

_He ran towards the sound and as he drew closer he saw Orcs streaming towards it. He slew the stragglers as he ran hoping he wasn't too late. He noticed that some Orcs were different, almost like men in the way they fought and moved and he became alarmed. He reached a clearing where the bodies of the Orcs and the new breed were draped everywhere! Lying in the middle against a tree was..._

**Aragorn** \- Boromir! _*He ran to where he friend lay and dropped to his knees beside him*_ My Brother, what happened?

 **Boromir** \- They, _*coughs*_ they ran this way into a scouting party. I slew them but more, more came. I sounded my horn to warn you all and to draw them here and I was defeated.

 **Aragorn** \- It isn't that bad * _He looks at the dozen or so arrows in his friend’s chest*_  you can walk it off!

 **Boromir** \- They took them _*Coughs*_ the little ones.

 **Aragorn** \- Who?

 **Boromir** \- Merry & Pippin. I tried but couldn't save them. I failed.

 **Aragorn** \- Oh them, the backup hobbits. But no, you fought bravely and defeated many foes.

 **Boromir** \- Frodo! Did you find him??

 **Aragorn** \- He wasn't captured by any here so he may yet be safe. We will find him!

 **Boromir** \- I'm sorry, I failed you all.

 **Aragorn** \- Never! You were valiant till the end... of this fight. Not life, just the fight.

 **Boromir -** You realise your eye is twitching right?

_Legolas and Gimli appear making Aragorn turn swiftly, and in the process he kneed Boromir in the head knocking him unconscious. Aragorn turns around to see him unmoving_

**Aragorn** \- Boromir? He is dead.

_Aragorn's eyes tear up & he gently kisses his forehead_

**_(Frodo appears in a bubble "How is this LESS gay than us?????" Aragorn then throws a rock and knocked him out of the imagination bubble) Aragorn then motions the others to continue_ **

**Legolas** \- Okaaaay, Alas, we are too late! We would have been of more use here. I told you to take a left at the big tree

 **Gimli** \- They were ALL big trees! _*sighs*_ What do we do now? We cannot leave him here like Carron and there is little time!

 **Aragorn** \- We will gently carry him to the river, placing him in a boat and let him float into the rivers embrace

**_(Frodo re-appears "Seriously???? You'd allow this?" As he turns to Sam who has randomly appeared Aragorn thaws another rock, puncturing the bubble and as it whizzes away the hobbits wail)_ **

**Aragorn** \- To the river! _*Nothing happens*_ Anytime now guys

 

_Legolas & Gimli exchange glances, then swiftly create a rough stretcher to carry Boromir. Once they reached the Riverbank Aragorn bade Legolas & Gimli to fetch the boats and he began to wash the blood off of the body. Legolas & Gimli soon appeared and informed him that a boat and two packs had gone missing. Aragorn decided they would investigate this later, and they set about the task at hand. After placing Boromir in the boat they towed him into the current and released the rope that held the two boats together. As he floats feet first towards the falls they sang farewell then rowed back to shore. Boromir slowly regains consciousness and is aware of a loud roar. He raises his head to see the edge of the falls, and then he goes over!_

**Boromir** \- Ooooooooh Shiiiiiiiit!!!!!! Heeeeeeeeelllllllppppp!!

 **Legolas** \- Did you hear that?

 **Aragorn** \- No.

 **Legolas** \- It sounded like.... a cry for help?

 **Aragorn** \- It must have been Boromir’s Spirit asking, no  begging us to "heeeeellllp the hobbits!" It was his dying wish and we MUST fulfil it!!

 **Boromir** \- _(Echoes)_ you bastards! Pull me up! I need a ... a rope or something!

_Legolas & Gimli stare at Aragorn who looks slightly uncomfortable_

**Gimli** \- What was THAT then?

 **Aragorn** \- The wind.

 **Boromir** \- What? No its ME Boromir, We've been travelling together for bloody months!

 **Aragorn** \- _(loudly)_ Clearly the wind and our grief at losing our beloved friend have played tricks with...

 **Legolas** \- But it sounds like....

 **Aragorn** \- Uh sorry, who has been here before and therefore  CLEARLY knows best? and is also secretly a king....

 **Legolas** \- I just...

 **Aragorn** \- I am the  FUTURE KING and I say it's the wind! Now let’s go and look at these missing packs. And don't disturb the trail!

_As the trio row to where they are camped the scene switches to Boromir, hanging from a jutting branch._

**Boromir** \- BASTAAAARDS!!! They fucking left me!!!! Oh man what'll I do now??? _*looks round and spots a figure watching him*_ Wait... who are you???

 **Gollum** \- Gollum. This is our branch. We be searching for the precious BUT NOT FOR HIM. Gollum.

 **Boromir** \- Ummm hi. I don't suppose you could help a fellow out here? I seem to be stuck.

 **Smeagol** \- Yes! Noooo. What’s in it for us's?

 **Boromir** \- What would you like _\- the branch shifts slightly -_ uhh please be quick!

 **Gollum** \- We be searching for the precious. The nasty Baggins stoles it from us!

 **Boromir** \- I could help you look? I may even know where they are heading!

 **Smeagol** \- It's a good deales. No it’s a trick. No its not. Dealses!

 **Boromir** \- Riiiight. I can also teach you to speak properly.

 **Gollum** \- Why we needs that?

 **Boromir** \- It'll help pass the time.... and it may you help get new friends!

 **Gollum** \- Well we has a short attention.....Why is we here? We is helping the Mortal. Bleugh why? It will help us's. Fine. Here, follow us!!

_They travel along the branch, climb down the rocks in a series of athletic feats and after a death defying jump into the pool they reach the shore safely. Gollum sniffs around and frowns._

**Boromir** \- Uh, what shore is this?

 **Gollum** \- The east

 **Boromir** \- Oh. I think they were on the west one....

 **Gollum** \- What? We has to cross the river on sharp rock, standing like teeths. Then climb up the cliffs high, very high. Then we tracks them using our noses.

 **Boromir** \- What about me? Shall I meet you somewhere or...

 **Smeagol** \- It is joining us of course!

 **Boromir -** Of course... How could I think otherwise

_As they set off Boromir mutters, what have I gotten into!_


	15. Two Hobbits Lost

_Pippin was awakened by a dull thumping noise and the fact he was being jostled. He opened his eyes slowly due to the pain in his head to see an orc! He cried out and tried to jump to find he was bound and hanging from something’s neck (His powers of deductions were never powerful at the best of times)._ _After much consideration he realised it was the strange orcs who killed Boromir and felt tears in his eyes. He looked around to see Merry who was being carried in a similar fashion. With nothing else to do they drifted in and out of consciousness until they were suddenly thrown to the ground. Pippin checked on his friend and then lay there until he was sure they were being ignored and then he crawled to his side.  After gently waking him up and explaining what he knew they discussed what they recalled. Both were upset at the memory of Boromir’s last stand and comforted each other – to the bewilderment of their captors – then they were grabbed and carried off. They were given Orc bread and water to survive._

_They continued for roughly 3 days during which Pippin noticed that the bigger ones called themselves Uruk-Hai and they shunned the smaller, weaker orcs and both groups were in constant disagreement. The orcs were from Mordor and the Uruk-Hai served Saruman alone, they were also the ones who had killed Boromir with arrows! At times they were made to run and this gave Pippin a chance to leave his foot prints when he could and drop his elf-broach in the hope they were followed. The next day there was an agreement lead by_ _Grishnákh_ _leader of the Mordor Orcs and_ _Uglúk_ _leader of the Urk-Hai about the direction they were going to take._ _Grishnákh_ _wanted to turn north where a Ringwraith was waiting but_ _Uglúk_ _was heading to Isenguard. A fight broke out and several Orcs were killed. The others fled and didn’t appear until the next day._

_Grishnákh_ _had brought 40 orcs to “Help” those who chose to stay and there was an unwilling truce. As they continued an Uruk-Hai scout picked up the scent of Man flesh. They began to run through the night and as dawn arose the orcs slowed unable to stand the sunlight. The Uruk-hai swiftly overtook them jeering about being left to the men behind them. Soon only the swiftest orcs had kept up cringing in the bright light._ _Around Midday the sound of horse hooves was picked up and grew louder until even the hobbits heard it. Once the men drew close enough to fire into the Orcs spurring them on, the Uruk-Hai tried to return fire to no avail so they changed course heading towards the cover of Fangorn Forest. The plan nearly worked but the Riders had foreseen this and rode ahead cutting them off. As they were thrown to the ground Merry and Pippin exchanged glances, they were trapped._

_As night fell the Uruk’s made camp were standing guard while the men made their camp with three big fires._ _Grishnákh_ _challenged_ _Uglúk_ _s decision to head to the forest as they were now trapped. Uglúk reveals there’s a Patrol nearby in the forest so they have help the men are unaware of. He sets a guard to protect the hobbits from the Snagá. An uneasy truce is held after_ _Grishnákh_ _backs down. A few hours before Dawn screams rent the air, Men had snuck into the camp and killed several orcs and Uruk-hai before disappearing. Uglúk charges off to take control of the situation and several Uruk-hai follow him, including the guards for the hobbits. Merry and Pippin lay there wondering if they should try to run when a long arm snaked around to grab them and begin to search them,_

_Merry realises it’s_ _Grishnákh_ _and what he’s after._

**Merry**  – You won’t find it like that

**Grishnákh** – What is it referring to I wonder?

**Pippin** – Clears throat and makes the “Gollum, Gollum” sound

**Grishnákh** – _(softly)_ Ahh, so it think it knows does it? Tell me what you know.

**Merry**   – No “Gollum”

 

_This annoyed_ _Grishnákh_ _enough for him to grab them both and drag them away. He gets past the main body as they were focused on the Uruk-Hai but is spotted by a lone rider. He realised he is being chased and drops them to run but is stopped with a spear in the chest. Horrified Merry and Pippin lay there unsure what to do as the sounds of battle echoed through the night until they realised they had been dragged out of the battle zone completely. Merry crawled to_ _Grishnákh_ _s body and using the orcs knife he cuts himself free and pippin follows, then they slowly drag themselves into the forest wincing as the blood flow reaches their limbs._

_Once safely in the forest they have a snack and a drink and wonder out loud what they should do next._

 

 

* * *

 

 

**_Gimli – The hunt had continued for three whole days and nights, the heroic friends and the elf running towards certain death! Determined to save their hobbits from the clutches of evil, an evil which had tragically cut short the life of Boromir most beloved team member and piggy back giver. The ruggedly handsome human in the lead, the Elf hiding in the middle and pointing out the scenery and in the rear was I Gimli, the bravest of all acting as rear-guard._ **

**Legolas** – What on middle earth are you doing?

**Gimli** – I’m narrating stupid elf!

**Legolas** – We pay someone to do that. And they do a far better job.

**Gimli** – Why I ought to _*Aragorn Glares*_ Crap... Fine I’ll stop!

_So to avoid any future arguments back to me. The trio ran through the days only halting at night for fear of losing the trail. On the morning of the fourth day the sky was Blood red._

**Legolas** – a red dawn. Blood has been spilt this night.

**Gimli** – Elven rubbish! Err just in case though let us hope we are not too late. I mean our record isn’t stellar in the rescue area...

**Aragorn** – The trail leads straight from here.

**Gimli** – Oh sure ignore me!

 

_They ran on in silence and Legolas was the first to hear the hoof beats. They decided to wait and see what was happening and sat at the bottom of a hill hidden by the Elven cloaks. Within an hour they could see the riders and as they rode past they rose revealing themselves and were swiftly surrounded and challenged._

**Éomer** – State your business!

**Aragorn** \- We are travellers hunting a party of Orcs that took our friends.  _*tells story in an epic fashion*_

**Éomer** – An epic tale indeed! You really ran here in 3 days, and just the three of you against the Orcs? That would have gone ill indeed.

**Gimli** \- _*sighs*_ Aye we know, but the effort must be made.

**Éomer** – State your names.

**Gimli** – You tell us first Horse Lord!

**Éomer** \- I asked first! Furthermore I would cut off your head dwarf if it stood but a little higher from the ground!

**Legolas** \- _*Draws bow and notches arrow*_ You would die before the stroke fell. And he’s perfectly sized!

_All look at Legolas in disbelief_

**Legolas** – What? For a Dwarf he’s remarkable well proportioned! Also good height for a bl...

**Aragorn** – Enough! Let’s just stop there, put the weapons down and talk. I don’t plan on being incarcerated when we could be...

**Gimli** – In what?

**Aragorn** – Thrown in jail

**Gimli** – Oh.

**Aragorn** – As I was saying, I’d rather be SAVING THE HOBBITS! Remember them!?! Two pint sized, cheeky lads with the courage of men thrice their size and a gleam in thier eye

_Aragorn Notices Legolas still hasn’t put away the bow and glares_

**Aragorn** – Put the damn bow down now. Put. It. Away. And the arrow. And the knife. And the, what is that a dagger!?! Gimli! Hand off the Axe handle or I’ll let the elf eat all your rations. In front of you!

**Gimli** – Ok! Let’s not go crazy here!

 

**Aragorn** – Lets start again. _*Quickly*_ I am Aragorn son of Arathorn, They are Gimli Son of Gloin and Legolas of the woodland Realm. We ask leave to travel your land to find our friends, umm Sorry what is your name?

**Éomer** – I am Éomer Son of Éomund. _*Looks around dramatically*_ Nephew of the King _*strikes dramatic pose*_

**Legolas** – What is he doing?

**Gimli** – No idea! Must be a human thing

**Aragorn** – No, it’s not a human thing. Éomund? I knew him! Right laugh at parties!

**Éomer** – How old are you!?!

**Aragorn** – Thats rather rude

**Éomer** – Sorry. * _Ahem_ * Anyhow your hunt is over. Those orcs are dead. We slew them all. Yay us.

**Gimli** – But the hobbits! Did you see Hobbits with them!?!

**Éomer** – I uh, don’t know this term?

**Aragorn** – They would be small, like children to your eyes

**Éomer** – Children? Did you adopt?

**Aragorn** – No, they are just our friends. As I said we are travelling together on an epic journey.

**Éomer** –What? And let them miss so much School!?!

**Legolas** – They are 30+ so no school

**Éomer** – Oh slow developers, I see. Well we never saw them and we left none alive.

_Silence and Legolas bows his head_

**Aragorn** – We will have to confirm this with our own eyes. Will you assist us?

**Éomer** – I cannot. You look suspicious _*Looks pointedly at Legolas*_

**Aragorn** – Hey! You’re supposed to help us! Follow the storyline dammit!

**Éomer** – The what? Ugh fine. I can lend you two horses at a low interest rate of...

**Aragorn** – Storyline. Follow it.

**Éomer**  – Fine, no cost. Return them when you have seen the bodies for yourselves. No ... No rush

**Legolas** – Heh, that sounded painful. I’m sure we’ll return them at some point.

**Éomer** – You had better! I’m disobeying my Kings orders here!

 

_The trio followed Éomers unwillingly given directions and came upon a large pile of smouldering remains. This was all that was left of the raiding party and after some quick recon they discovered and followed the hobbit tracks that lead into the forest.  This caused alarm as the forest had a terrible reputation and it took a long time (And a VERY heavy guilt trip) to get Gimli to enter. They followed a path of sorts watching amazed as they trees moved and groaned of their own accord._ _Legolas took the opportunity to tell the others in great detail how the elves had taught the trees to speak, which did not impress Gimli who had decided he distrusted trees that could talk and thought they should just stand in one place looking pretty and not conspire to drop branches on people’s heads, or pull up roots to trip folk!_ _Aragorn just ignored them both and followed the tracks which lead to the top of a hillock and then stopped suddenly. They were replaced by other tracks that couldn’t be identified by any of them. As they tried to decide what to do next Legolas spotted a old man following their trail. He warned the others and they prepared to attack. Suddenly the old man looked up and they all froze in place. As the approached they could only wait and see what would happen next_


	16. Friends In High Places

Merry and Pippin sat looking around the clearing reflecting  on how they got there.

 

 _Merry_ – Oh no! Not another...

* * *

**_Flashback_ **

****

_As they stood on top of the hill discussing what to do next, they had just escaped the Uruk-Hai band and were unaware that they had been destroyed. They slowly became aware of movement behind them. As they turned they were suddenly grabbed and hoisted into the air._

 

 **Treebeard** – Hmm what creatures are these? Little Orcs!?! With the axes, hacking and burning! _*He begins to squeeze the hobbits*_

 **Merry** – No! We’re Hobbits! * _Groans in pain_ * Halflings

 **Treebeard** – I have never heard of them. Hmm Elf, Man, Dwarf, Ent... No you are not in the Ancient Songs. It’s lucky I heard your voices first or I might have stepped on you! Cheerful little voices reminded me of the Entings.

 **Merry** – I see, if you put us between the Men and the Dwarves in the song that’ll be about right. History seems to have forgotten us again * _laughs_ *

 **Pippin** – We are always left out * _sulkily_ * It’s not fair... We’re important too! I mean you think one little legend wouldn’t be too much

 **Merry** – hush Pip. What type of creature are you sir? I have never seen your like before, except for an angry Willow Tree.

 **Treebeard** – I am an Ent. Treebeard is my name in the common tongue

 **Merry** – A tree herder! We have heard tales of your kind back home. I am Meriadoc Brandybuck and this is Peregrin Took. Our friends call us Merry and Pippin and please feel free to call us this too.

 **Treebeard** – Such cheerful little names! Well little ones I shall take you to one of my homes where we can talk freely.

 

_As they walked they listened to tales about the forest ad they talked until they had reached the Ent house. Treebeard approached the tightly knit trees and they gave way to him. As they entered the clearing the Hobbits stared about in wonder at the beauty of it all. The clearing was covered in a soft moss and had a stream running through it_

 

* * *

 

 **Merry** – Oh I  hate those things!

 **Pippin** – Makes your head feel weird

_They look to where Treebeard was preparing drinks. He brought them over in bowls for them to drink_

**Treebeard** – Here you go little ones! You will not find any food in an Ent house but the drink will nourish you well enough.

 

_As there were no chairs Treebeard stood while the hobbits sat on the table sipping from the bowls and enjoying the view. They nibbled at a piece of Lembas merry had in his pocket as they felt eating was an important part of mealtimes although Treebeard had indeed been right about the drinks. After they were done Treebeard carried them to a large bed and bade them to tell their tale while he lay down to prevent to drink going to his head. They began at the Shire and told him the whole tale, when they reached Gandalf demise Treebeard made them repeat it with a twinkle in his eyes. They described Loren and were amazed to discover that Treebeard knew the Lord and Lady! Just as they were wondering just how old he was Treebeard gave a mighty chuckle and explained that the elves had taught the trees how to talk. The story continued peacefully until they reached the part with the Uruk-Hai. As they told of their capture Treebeard rose and began to pace cursing Saruman._

 

_He told them that they had been friends, or so he had thought and they had discussed many things among them the secret pathways through the forest in great details. He now recalled Saruman had never shared Information with him and the knowledge he had given him had helped Saruman to swiftly gather the tools he needed to create an army._

 

* * *

 

**_Flashback_ **

 

_Saruman had been walking through the forest deep in thought when he stumbled across Treebeard._

**Treebeard** – Saruman? What brings you here Old Friend?

 **Saruman** – Hmm? Oh hello Treebeard

 **Treebeard** – You do not look well...

 **Saruman** – Oh I just haven’t been sleeping well is all. How are things with you?

 **Treebeard** – Not good. There have been more Orc Sightings and more trees felled. They are getting bolder, more like Man than Orc!

 **Saruman** – Orcs, here you say?

 **Treebeard** – Yes, they wandered freely, unafraid. It’s almost as if they have knowledge of my hidden pathways!

 **Saruman** – That’s unlikely _*Thinks “Damn it I told them to be careful! To blend in!”*_

 **Treebeard** – Saruman? Are you ok?

 **Saruman** – Yes? _*Realises he is frowning and quickly removes it*_ Sorry I’m thinking of a song I nee... Wish to learn on the violin.

 **Treebeard** – The what? I never knew you had an interest in music

 **Saruman** – Well I do! Why can’t I?

_Treebeard is silent_

**Saruman** – Sorry I’m just tired. Well I need to get back to my army... I mean my arm needs to get back to practising. On the violin.

 

* * *

 

 **Treebeard** – What... What was that?

 **Merry** – It’s apparently called a flashback. You’ll get used to it.

 **Treebeard** – Do they occur often?

 **Merry** – They seem to for us. It seems to be an elven thing

 **Treebeard** – Interesting... You can see it too?

 **Pippin** – Oh yes! Any nearby can, we once had one when surrounded by Goblins. I think it was Goblins? But they saw it too and it helped us to escape * _Smirks_ *

 **Treebeard** – I enjoy talking to you. I almost thought you were Entings.

 **Pippin** – Entings?

 **Treebeard** \- Young Ents. Alas there haven’t been any for over an age.

 **Merry** – Why is that? If you don’t mind me asking

 **Treebeard** – We lost the Entwives. Long ago we lived together happily but they came to crave order while our hearts dwelt still in the wild. After the darkness was driven away they crossed the river and created gardens. It was a happy place full of Entings and laughter and there they taught their secrets to men, while we visited them but remained a myth to man. They changed slowly but their eyes were of our people and we loved them still. But the darkness returned and the Gardens burned to ash.  For centuries we searched but have found no sign, our beloved are lost to us. The elves sing a song about our search and how we will re-unite and be together again but we are content to chant their beautiful names until we meet again.

 

_At this Pippin bursts into tears_

**Treebeard** – Calm little one. We have long accepted our fate. Now it is time to rest, find a place to stand and... Oh! *laughs* I thought you were Entings for a moment. It’s talking about the Entwives, being awash in memories. You may sleep on the bed while I cool down outside. I got too hasty earlier, yes indeed. Sleep well little friends tomorrow we shall be busy!

 **Merry** – Goodnight Treebeard


	17. Return of the Wanderer

_Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli all starred at the old man. They had been prepared to attack him but found themselves unwilling to._

**Old Man** – Well met to you all. I suppose you are wanting news of the young hobbits? They are safe and have met a... Unlikely friend

 **Gimli** – Who are you? Saruman?

 **Old Man** – you do not know? I had many names and cause to know you well.

_Suddenly they could see him clearly_

**Aragorn** – Gandalf?

_Legolas and Gimli bow_

**Gandalf** – Yes that was my name, Gandalf the Grey. I am Gandalf the White now, so Gimli’s guess was close. I am Saruman as he could have been, as he  should be

 **Aragorn** – My friend it is good to see you! I fear I have led us ill since you left us. But please tell us what happened to you!

 **Gandalf** – Well as you saw we fell, fighting until we plunged into a lake. The cold almost took me then but I made it to shore. The Balrog’s fires had been put out turning it into a creature of slime but he soon began to smoulder again, it fled and knowing I would be lost otherwise I followed it, fighting until we had climbed the long stair emerging on the mountain top where his flames rekindled. We had our final battle, the sky alight with Fire and Lightning until I had cast him down. I had won but still I lay there and a white light enveloped me and I felt at peace. But I was sent back as my task was not yet complete. Now we must go to Rohan. I fear things go Ill with the king.

 **Gimli** – We? What exactly do you mean by we?

 **Gandalf** \- * _Glares_ * we as in all of us here, at this precise moment in time shall go to Rohan to free the king from Saruman. Clear now?

 **Legolas** – Yes, how did he enslave the king?

 **Gandalf** – We shall see on our arrival

 **Gimli** – You mean you don’t know?

 **Gandalf** – Of course I do! Haven’t you heard of Drama?

 **Gimli** – No.

_Gandalf walks off and Legolas hits Gimli on the back of his head_

**Aragorn & Legolas** – Idiot!

 **Gimli** – What? What did I say?

 

_Following Gandalf’s lead they exited the forest and emerged blinking into the bright sunlight. Gandalf gave a piercing whistle and a beautiful white stallion came running up with two horses following it reins trailing and snapped when they had pulled free._

**Legolas** – That is surely one of the Meras!

 **Gandalf** – Yes, Shadowfax is the chief of the Meras, no other has been his like!

 **Aragorn** – and here are our friends Hasufal and Arod. That reminds me, where you here last night? It would have been around Sundown.

 **Gandalf** – I was leagues away why?

 **Aragorn** – Well as day broke we made camp and Legolas noticed the horses were restless. We kept watch and as the light faded we saw an old...er man in white staring at us. As we stood to great him he picked up his robe and ran away.

 **Gandalf** – And you thought this was me

 **Aragorn** \- *Q _uickly_ * Gimli did

 **Gimli** – Lying human gah! _*goes for his axe to find it had been taken by Legolas*_

 **Legolas** – We all thought it was you but it could have equally been Saruman

 **Gandalf** – Hmm he must have tired of waiting for news and left his tower

 **Aragorn** – And returned there rather quickly * _Laughs_ *

 **Legolas** – Indeed, it is many leagues to the city will we make it in time?

 **Gandalf** \- * _Dramatically_ * we must!

 **Gimli** \- * _Mutters_ * Drama Queen

 

_For the rest of the journey they rode in relative silence each caught up in their own thoughts until Gandalf pointed out Edoras. As they rode towards Aragorn was visibly awed (Although he had been there before) Legolas enjoyed the view and Gimli was just looking forward to dismounting. As they approached the gate Gandalf turned and warned them to be careful_

**Gandalf** – Do not expect a fond welcome here, for Saruman has poisoned the mind of the king. We must remedy this.

_They rode unchallenged until they reached Meduseld, the King’s hall. There Háma the Door keeper bade them to lay down their weapons at the door to be returned once they leave the hall. Legolas did so willingly but Aragorn and Gimli needed much cajoling before they would leave them. It was only with Háma’s assurance no man would touch them that Aragorn gave in. As Gandalf went to enter Háma asked for his Staff as in Gandalf’s hands it could be a weapon but was persuaded to allow him to enter with it as it was a walking tool. The door opened and they strode in_


	18. Fight For Sanity

_As their eyes adjusted to the gloom Legolas and Gimli had their first glimpse of the king. He was seated with a pale, twitchy man at his feet and a beautiful Blonde woman stood behind him frowning slightly. As Gandalf approached the pale man rose and leaned in to whisper in the king’s ear._

**Gandalf** – The courtesy of your hall has somewhat lessened of late Théoden King.

**Grima** – And why should we welcome you Gandalf Greyhame? It seems you arrive at the eve of trouble like a carrion crow. Láthspell I name you! Ill news is an Ill guest.

**Gandalf** – If I arrive in times of trouble it is to help. Théoden I have come to warn you of Saruman’s threat. He has his eyes set on Rohan and intends to war with you. You must fight!

**Théoden** – And why should I believe you? Saruman has always been an ally to us

**Gandalf** – Until now, he hungers for power. You must fight or die! Ride out as your Forefathers did

**Grima** – Pah! Ride out you say? With what strength? My lord this is a fool’s errand intended to weaken you more, after Théodred’s death and Éomer’s betrayal this is too much!  To protect our people we must...

**Gandalf** – Protect? Your people are being attacked! If their king dares not fight back what hope have they?

**Grima** – My lord we do not have the strength to ride out! And this... Wanderer speaks of help? He left here taking your best horse and returns with just three ragtags hanging from his belt!

**Gimli** – Blasted human! At least we don’t look like a Virg... _*Legolas covers Gimli’s mouth* *Gimli mumbles*_ co...su...er

**Gandalf** – These “Ragtags” are each worth 10 men, and all are worth more than you! Allow me to introduce Aragorn of the Dúnedain, Legolas of the Woodland Realm and Gimli of the dwarves.

**Grima** – They do not look so impressive to me. Just a wizard’s plaything

**Gandalf** – the wise speak only of what they know Grima son of Gálmód. A witless worm you have become therefore be silent and keep your forked tongue behind your teeth! I have not passed through Fire and death to bandy crooked words with a serving man ‘til the lightening falls!

_With that Gandalf raises his staff and freezes Grima_

**Gimli** – Hah! Looser! _*Aragorn and Legolas nod*_

**Gandalf -** Now think Théoden, you are not so weak as you have been led to believe and are still loved. You can defeat this if we move quickly!

_Théoden sits silent for a moment then braces his hands on the thrones arms and slowly rises. The Woman rushes forwards to support him._

**Théoden** – Éowyn, Sister-Daughter fear not. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I would go outside to see my people; I have been in the dark long enough.

 

* * *

 

 

_Slowly he walked, leaning on Éowyn and Gandalf while Aragorn strode forward to fling open the doors and loudly proclaim the arrival of the king. The guards all stare in amazement then as one they fell to their knees in joy. Théoden called for Éomer and was told by Hama that he had been imprisoned by Grima’s orders. Théoden ordered Háma to go and free him as “punishment” as Háma had proved a fortunately bad door keeper. As they waited Théoden conversed quietly with Gandalf_

**Théoden** – Dark have been my dreams of late, did I dream Theodred’s death? No, I see by your face it is true. My poor boy, I failed him!

**Gandalf** – Nay he died bravely and will be welcomed by his ancestors. It is Saruman you must blame.

**Théoden** – Yes, he will pay dearly for his actions 

_Éomer enters then and strides up to his uncle drew his sword and knelt._

**Éomer** – My king!

**Théoden** – Éomer sister-son why do you go armed in my halls?

**Háma** – It is my fault my lord, when you proclaimed Éomer to be freed I was overjoyed so when he bid me to fetch his sword I obeyed without question

**Éomer** – I just wished to pledge my allegiance lord, you have been as a father to me

**Théoden** – And you a son to me. This is why I name you my heir so all can see our bond.

**Éomer** – My lord? I... Thank you Uncle!

**Théoden** – Now we need to form a council of war. I bid you gather the Marshalls and meet in the hall, but first the matter of Grima. Where is he skulking?

* * *

_Grima was then dragged forward by Aragorn and made to kneel before the king with the help of a swift hard kick to the knee_

**Théoden** – So Grima, what say you? You have been accused of turning on your people, on your king

**Grima** – My lord I have only ever been loyal to you! They lie all of them * _Points wildly_ * they plot against you! I am loyal! Traitors all around _*Éomer steps forward and is physically restrained*_

**Gandalf** – That word is often on your tongue. See Théoden here is a snake. To slay it would be just but it was not always as it is now. Once it was a man and it did you service in its fashion.

**Théoden** – Your words have lost their edge Grima. Fetch me my sword

**Háma** – My lord it has long been in Grima’s ... “care”

**Grima** – As my lord bade! My lord I live only to serve...

**Théoden** – So serve. Fetch my sword, Háma and two others shall accompany you. 

_They soon returned bearing the sword_

**Háma** – Your sword my lord, I also found many things which men had missed...

**Grima** – all of which had been given into my care!

**Théoden** – Enough! I would speak with my councillors new and old, for I would offer that post to you Gandalf if you would accept it.

**Gandalf** – I could do no less my lord * _bows_ *

**Grima** – Alas he has poisoned you against me. I shall not stay and watch you be played _with *He spits at Gandalf and Éomer strode forwards*_

**Éomer** – Silence worm! You should not cast accusations you cannot prove. You have played for Saruman for many the year! And for what price?

_Grima’s eyes flicker to Éowyn and Éomer goes to strike him but is stopped_

**Gandalf** – Enough Éomer, have no fear Éowyn is safe.

**Éomer** – Aye too long this worm haunted her steps

**Théoden** – You have caused much hurt Grima yet I love you still for the man you were. Come, renounce him and fight with us or leave and crawl back to your master. If you leave you can never return and shall be shunned by all, stay and you can earn forgiveness.

**Grima** – Fight? My lord i wish to stay at your side!

**Théoden** \- * _Laughs_ * Then fight. I intend to ride out myself and shall not leave you behind. Repent and earn forgiveness with your sword.

* * *

_Grima kneeled stunned then his anger rose_

**Grima** – “Forgiveness”? What care I for the forgiveness of a doddering old fool and his craven court? You flounder in ruin and greed while children play in the dirt as dogs! I spit on you all!!

_Behind him Legolas has to restrain Gimli who had managed to obtain his axe again and was attempting to behead Grima without being noticed._

**Théoden** – So your choice is made. You aimed to keep me a fool while your master grows in strength, while  my people suffered, then you would have me his slave!?! To bow to him, never! I now cast you out never to return! None shall aid you and you have no place in this land so run to Saruman if you dare!

**Éomer** – we all tire of your ugly words and hideous face. What my uncle means is this _*punches Grima in the face*_ Now be gone before you get worse worm! Oh and have a safe trip, please feel free to fall into a hole and die.

**Théoden** – Give him a horse if one will bear him, then close the gates behind him. And destroy all of his stuff, he won’t need it

_Grima fled and Théoden ordered him followed to ensure he couldn’t cause mischief. Hama spoke to the guards and one filled his helm with water and scrubbed the flagstones where Grima had stood, while the others took his stuff and burned it while his sword was melted down. Gandalf moved to Théoden’s side._

**Théoden** – they sounds busy * _Chuckles_ * Now I must rest. Alas my age and weakness wasn’t entirely down to Grima’s Silver Tongue. Later we shall talk and plan our strategy for the battle ahead and then to war.


	19. External Recruitment

_Saruman lounged in his chair looking at the parchment in front of him, brushing the quill across his chin reflectively. There was a knock at the door which he ignored. He shifted to a more comfortable position as the knock sounded again. The knock was then repeated until frustrated he flung open the door_

**Saruman** – What? What is so important you disturb my crossword time?

**Servant** – Uhh....

**Saruman** – Wait... you disturbed me for “Uhh”???? Insolent Fool!

_He goes to slam the door_

**Servant** – The Dunlending Chieftain is here

**Saruman** – What!?! Gods!! Fetch my dress robe. And my shoes... And a brush!

_Several minutes later Saruman hastened into the hall and sat smoothing his robe._

**Saruman** – Allow them entrance!

**Servant** – What?

**Saruman** \- _*Raises eyebrow*_ Allow them entrance

**Servant** – Allow them...?

**Saruman** – In! Let them in!

**Servant** – Oh. Okay

_He proudly opened the door and a filthy ragged man limped into the room and up to Saruman, tracking dirt across the floor. As she knelt he looked up_

**Saruman** – Grima? I thought you were in Rohan “assisting” the king... Why are you now a Dunland chieftain?

**Grima** – Wh...What? I  was in Rohan but Gandalf broke my hold and I got kicked out. Bastards!

**Saruman** – Nonsense he’s dead

**Grima** – Does he know that? Because he turned up with 3 rag tags, a Dwarf, Elf and a Man and he easily took control. He’s even more powerful that yo... Wait, Dunland?

**Saruman** – He’s alive?

**Grima** – Why would you think I was a Dunlanding??

**Saruman** – Oh I’m trying to set up a deal with them

**Grima** – Why? They are savages!

**Saruman** – We both hate Rohan it seemed logical. I just need to imp... Oh gods the floor! You filthy bast... you tracked mud all through! Fetch a mop you ragged to... Rags??? I’m trying to impress and you come in rags?? Go change now and I’ll clean then... _*Gasps*_ My robes! Servants! Clean the hall and make sure it stays clean! And fetch a robe for Grima!

* * *

 

_Half an hour later Saruman is sat with his crossword yet again_

**Saruman** – Hmm T r _ _ T _ _ - One who betrays for power. Tough one, I’ll ask Grima later

_Knock at the door_

**Saruman** – Let’s see, Shepherd of the forest. I deduce its Ent. Come in, Yes! One down!

**Servant** – My lord the Barbarian ... King?  Wants to see you

**Saruman** – Who?

**Servant** – They arrived earlier today

**Saruman** – Oh, Grima, Not a king

**Servant** – That explains so much! I mean the robe and everything gave me pause... Oh gods I’m such a fool! I’ll fetch her now

**Saruman** – Her?

_Servant rushes out the room and returns shortly_

**Servant** – The Lady Grima lord. This way M’Lady

**Grima** – Lady? What the... _*As he enters he is revealed to be wearing a woman’s robe*_ Ugh this is the only one in my size. You need to shop more.

**Saruman** – Sorry _*sniggers*_ You, uh wanted to see me?

**Grima** – What’s the plan

**Saruman** – Which one?

**Grima** – The one involving the Dunlanding savages!

**Saruman** – As I said, I want more troops and they seem suitable

**Grima** – How can you trust them?

**Saruman** – Simple. I have power, they don’t

_Knock on the door_

**Saruman** – Yes?

**Servant** – The Chieftains have arrived

**Saruman** – Excellent! Show them to the hall

**Grima** – No wait I... _*Saruman leaves*_ Doubt... this is.... a good ... idea... _*sighs*_ How do I get stuck with these people?

* * *

_  
In the Hall Saruman sits on a throne like chair and gestures for the Dunlandings to be let in, and Grima stands beside him. Before he can shoo him they enter the hall and he graciously nods to the chairs he had placed (on a lower tier) and blinked in surprise as they promptly sat on the floor._

**Saruman** – Okay then... Welcome I am Saruman the mighty, I wish to destroy Rohan and the Horse King. As he hurt us both he must die

_One of the chieftains rose_

**Chieftain** – White Lord help destroy Horse King? They steal land long ago. We suffer and they have Big Horse, Stone House, Greenlands. What you get?

**Saruman** – We share power, You keep the land. It’s of no use to me after all

**Chieftain** – What share?

**Saruman** – 70/30 to me

**Chieftain** – No deal White lord!

**Saruman** – Damn, 60/40, No? 50/50 is my final offer

**Chieftain** – No

**Saruman** – Hmm okay... Power 80/20 to me, you keep land?

_The chieftains huddle together and discuss_

**Chieftain** – We have deal White Lord

_Saruman mutters to Grima “And how is this not civilised?” while Grima replies “Just wait”_

_The chieftains all rise and pull out their daggers then all watch as the “Spokesperson” shallowly cuts his hand then holds the dagger to Saruman._

**Chieftain** – Draw blood White Lord. Your blood needed

**Saruman** – Umm thanks but no. I like my blood where it is. _*smiles weakly*_

**Chieftain** – Then no deal

**Saruman** – Balls...

_He gingerly makes a small cut as indicated and returns the blade and then the chieftain clasps his hand tightly allowing the blood to mingle. Seeing the tears come to Saruman’s eyes he smiles broadly_

**Chieftain** – Blood oath. All powerful, now we brothers. You feel this?

**Saruman** \- _*Quickly*_ Yes!

_The chieftain lets go of his hand and leans in_

**Chieftain** – I have question. Why White Lord have ugly woman? We have many pretty womens in our tribe, you likes?

_Both glance at Grima_

**Saruman** – I may take you up on that _*Winks*_


	20. The Entmoot

_Merry and Pippin  were awakened early by then sound of birdsong. They hastily got up to find that Treebeard had vanished, leaving them drinks on the table. They had breakfast and sat waiting for him to return._

**Treebeard** – Good morning little ones! We shall be busy! I have been many leagues, calling an Entmoot

**Pippin** – Is that a song? Perhaps?

**Treebeard** – It is a meeting of Ents. One has not been called for an age. We must leave now, I shall carry you

**Merry** – is it far?

**Treebeard** – For me no. It would be far for you, deep in the heart of the forest

 

_As they walked they discussed who would come, Treebeard deciding it was more likely that the younger Ents would attend as they older ones had become “treeish” of late. They became aware of crashing sounds ahead and alarmed they clung to Treebeard who laughed. They gasped as they saw the steady rustling of tree around them as the Ents passed through into a large bowl in the earth. Merry and pippin were gently placed upon the ground and stood looking around in amazement. All the Ents were different some tall and willowy, or silver skinned but they all had the same eyes that shone with deep knowledge and understanding_

* * *

_They felt themselves being watched carefully until Treebeard spoke, then all attention was on him. Pippin soon got bored so merry too him for a walk and a few hours later Treebeard and another Ent came looking for them_

**Treebeard** – Hello little ones, how fare you?

**Pippin** – Well I got really B _*Merry covers his mouth*_

**Merry** – Hush Pip! We are good thank you, just had a look around here.

**Treebeard** – excellent!

**Pippin** – Has the meeting finished?

**Treebeard** \- _*Laughs*_ No, we have just decided that you are not orcs and should not be squashed. We have also decided to add you to the old song

**Pippin** \- That took hours? Wow...

**Treebeard** – Yes, Entish is a slow language. If anything needs to be said it is worth the time. An Entmoot can take a long time indeed, which is why we are here. This is Bregalad, Quickbeam in your tongue. He has already made up his mind and he has a house nearby so he has agreed to watch over you.

**Quickbeam** – It is a pleasure

**Merry** – The pleasure is ours sir. I am Merry and this is Pippin

**Quickbeam** – Lovely, let us be off

 

* * *

 

_They travelled barely an hour before reaching Quickbeam’s house and stayed with him for 3 days. He was merry company, quick to laugh and told them many tales one of which was how he got his name, answering yes before the other Ent had finished the question. He had made up his mind to fight when he had discovered his beloved Rowan trees felled by Saruman and he would often take them for walks, stopping to sing whenever he came across a Rowan tree. They also noticed he was more flexible than Treebeard, which he said was due to him being younger._

_On the eve of the third day all was quiet and they stayed close to home on the fourth day speaking little. By afternoon the forest had fallen completely still until a faint noise was heard. This grew into the sound of marching feet and calls that echoed through the woods. Quickbeam scooped the hobbits up and strode forwards. He soon met the Ents who were marching and swung into place next to Treebeard who happily took back Merry and Pippin. They gazed around shocked as the trees appeared to move behind the Ents_

**Treebeard** – Hello again little ones, Enjoyed yourselves I hope

**Pippin** – Oh yes! Where are we going now?

**Treebeard** – To Isenguard, This hasn’t happened in an age but the Ents are going to war

**Merry** – Do you think we can win?

**Treebeard** – Yes, we are the strongest. Morgoth created Trolls as a mockery of us but we are stronger. We will fall on Isenguard and it will break!

**Merry** – Umm Treebeard, Are the trees really moving?

**Treebeard** – they are Huorn, Entish trees if you like. They will help us.

 

_As they marched Treebeard fell silent, occasionally muttering to himself. They reached Isenguard in time to see the army marching from the gates of Isenguard. They let them pass, the huorns rustling restlessly while the Ents eyes were fixed on Saruman. Once the army was gone their chance came and they struck, running full speed toward Saruman_


	21. The Army departs

_Saruman stood in front of his mirror smiling at his reflection “ **Oh yeah, I look good** ” he smugly thought. He turned to Grima and spread his arms_

**Saruman** – Well?

**Grima** – Well what?

**Saruman** \- _*Sighs*_ How do I look?

**Grima** – Fine

**Saruman** – are you still sulking over being called a woman? Honestly you need to get over that

**Grima** – No! I just want to go somewhere  nice for once! The last place you took me was the breeding pits after all. We never go out anymore

**Saruman** – Well I’m spry my building an evil empire is affecting your social life! It’s a lot of hard work you know

**Grima** – Great now I’m the bad guy! You always do this

**Saruman** –  I’m the bad guy!! That’s the whole point of my conquest. That and to rule middle earth, all I’m asking for is a bit of support for once... after Gandalf left me...

**Grima** – Ugh sure talk all about your abandonment issues. You never let me know what’s going on so I can support you

**Saruman** – Well you don’t ask! You just mope for Théoden, and you say I have issues

**Grima** – Well serving him was a major part of my life, I need time to adjust. I can’t just turn off my feelings you know

**Saruman** – Then why betray him?

**Grima** – I hated Éomer with a vengeance! Also thought I’d be better off on your team, get better treatment etc

**Saruman** – I do... Not. Damn it. Sorry I’m just stressed

**Grima** – Me too. You look very handsome and inspiring

**Saruman** – Thanks, I needed that. Better go and see off the army, wish me luck! *He runs off*

 

* * *

 

_Grima wanders over to the window and looks out, impressed by the sheer numbers before him. Ten thousand Uruk-Hai and Orcs and the Dunlendings all massing around the tower like ants around the nest. He sighed and moodily threw a small stone out of the window ignoring the faint screams below_

**Grima** – Who knew running an army would be so bloody boring?

**Servant** – Is milady looking for something to do? I can help

_Grima jumped and looked around wildly_

**Grima** – Show yourself! I demand it!

**Servant** – Uh over here...

**Grima** – Where? I see no one! Who are you and what do you want.

**Servant** \- _*sighs heavily*_ Look left, No your other left. There you go

**Grima** – You bastard! You scared me! Why did you do that?

**Servant** – Well mostly I do it to scare the orcs, lack of peripheral vision makes it easy.  Also makes the master laugh, a lot. So you bored?

**Grima** – Well yeah, Saruman is always busy.

**Servant** – Yes, he’s been busy prepping the launch of our attack on Rohan today

**Grima** – Really? He never said

**Servant** – Yeah, maybe he thought you’d be upset at the news? *silence* Or he didn’t want any distractions. Wanna watch PV?

**Grima** – What?

**Servant** – Palantir Vision, it allows you to see things which are far away

**Grima** – What dark magic’s allows you to see so far? _*voice goes higher with excitement*_ Let’s go check this out!!

**Servant** – _*Blank stare*_ Why did yo... Never mind follow me

 

* * *

 

_They snuck into the Palantir room (specially built to showcase Saruman’s new video/gaming equipment he ordered. It never arrived.) and the servant pulled off the cover_

**Servant** – Behold! The deluxe model does everything and more!

**Grima** – Ooooh!

**Servant** – Let me turn it on... _*Start-up music plays*_ Here we go

**Grima** – Now what?

**Servant** – I’ll tune it into my fave show, Hobbits@Home. Not the best picture quality but good entertainment

_They watched entranced until it starts to flash with a picture of a glowing eye and Saurman’s voice was heard “You have an incoming call. Press green to accept”_

**Servant** – Oh crap! I forgot to set it to “appear offline”

**Grima** – What... what do we do?

**Servant** – Oh gods it Sauron! Balls!!! We gotta answer it on pain of death.... Oh I know! You do it!

**Grima** – What!?! Why me???

**Servant** – I’m just a servant. I can’t accept calls and he wouldn’t listen to me anyhow. You gotta talk to him, please milady!

**Grima** – Shit... okay what do I do _*servant presses button_ * Uh.. Hello?

**Sauron** – Hello!?!

**Grima** – Hi, this is Isenguard, Grima speaking

**Sauron** – Who in middle earth are you? I want to speak to Saruman

**Grima** – I’m his... assistant? As he is busy can I take a massage?

**Sauron** – DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?!?!?! What is he doing?? Nothing can be more important than me!!!!! I’m his gods damned boss!!!!!

**Grima** – As far as I’m aware he’s just about to launch his main attack on Rohan, so he’s busy organising things

**Sauron** – It’s about time! I was thinking he was gonna wimp out on me. Hehehehe now I gotta collect in some bets

**Grima** – Oh no way, he’s just a stickler for details, like does all the armour match etc

**Sauron** – True, you gotta put on a damn good show

**Grima** – Yes. So is there a message?

**Sauron** – No it’s cool, Just wanted an update. Oh wait, can you tell him his application for “protection from Ents” was denied? Thanks babe

**Grima** – Babe? Uh why was it denied?

_Explanation takes an hour_

**Sauron** – Got it? Awesome later babe _*hangs up*_

**Grima** – Umm bye? Is it off? *servant nods* Oh thank gods!

**Servant** – Oh you rule! Ha he totally fancies you!

**Grima** – Oh gods I hope not! For so many reasons

**Servant** – You had better pass on that message

_They go to find Saruman_

* * *

**Saruman** – There you are! I’ve been looking for ages! Well the servants have.

**Grima** – sorry, the Dark Lord called and asked me to pass on a message

**Saruman** – Oh what now?

**Grima** – Your Ent application was denied

**Saruman** – Damn! Did he say why?

**Grima** –Don’t ask! The gist of the message was to stop playing with your... Chickens? And get on with it

**Saruman** – Chickens?

**Grima** – well the word he used was co...

**Saruman** – Got it! Thanks. Hmm this could be an issue... We shall have to depend on our defences if they attack

**Grima** – If who attack?

**Saruman** – We should be safe, they never leave the forest. Let’s go see the troops off.

_They go to the door and Grima stares at the rows of shiny armour all imprinted with a white hand_

**Saruman** – Oh that’s it, was it worth the effort? Yes, Yes it was!

**Grima** – Yeah looks good

**Saruman** – Now for my speech!

_Saruman gives a rousing speech which no one beyond the first few lines heard, however Grima saved the day by miming cheers, and then the army marched off. Saruman stood watching with a smile_

**Saruman** – I have a good feeling about this! Now Grima go umm, spy more or something. You’re kind of a bore today, so shoo

**Grima** – Spy on who? _*notices the trees moving and backs away*_ I mean that’s not all I have in my ...skill ...set. Okay see ya! _*Grima runs off*_

**Saruman** – Hmm, oh bye. What a peculiar person he is

 


	22. Counselling kings

_Théoden sat on his throne deep in discussion with Éomer, Gandalf, Aragorn and his Marshalls. Legolas and Gimli were also there but were not paying much attention as they were playing a game._

 

**Théoden** – The news is grim indeed. How many men are left?

**Éomer** – We have between 1-2000 men my lord, however more may be at large with Erkenbrand

**Théoden** – So few remain, we cannot leave them to die. We will ride out to their aid. This leads to the question where are they?

**Éomer** – Erkenbrand left against Grima’s orders to defend the fords of Isen so we should look there

**Legolas** – What of your women-folk and others who cannot fight? Surely they will need protection

**Gimli** – Is there no where else for them to go? _*mutters*_ Stop cheating damn elf!

**Théoden** – Edoras is too big to be defended properly and still have enough men to ride out with. Who is cheating at what?

**Gandalf** – Ignore him. What about helms deep? There your people can be safe

**Théoden** – That’s bloody brilliant! We can leave a token guard to defend it while we ride out

**Éomer** – We? Uncle... My lord I am not sure about this...

**Théoden** – I am. I cannot, will not sit idle as I have for so long. Finally I can defend my people, do not take this from me. Let me have glory once more

**Éomer** – I... As you wish Uncle _*bows head*_

**Théoden** \- * _Claps Éomer’s hand_ * Now tell the people to prepare. We ride at dawn

* * *

 

_  
The people of Rohan prepared to leave their homes with heavy hearts, grief lifted slightly by Théoden’s presence. He led them as the long column slowly crossed the terrain, Éoreds scouting around them constantly until they reached the crossroads. Aragorn was dismayed to find Éowyn was constantly following him and was so concerned at this Gimli took pity on him and stayed at her side regaling her with stories. At the crossroads they parted ways with one Éored guarding them people. The rest travelled faster now (To Gimili’s displeasure) only stopping to rest the horses. As they neared the fords the scouts reported a few men ahead with no sign of Erkenbrand. As they drew closer they heard voices and stopped to listen_

**Man 1-** These are dark times indeed

**Man 2** – What?

**Man 1** – Dark times, we have never seen their like

**Man 2** – Yes we have. It was dark last night

**Man 1** – Yeah... I can see why you are just infantry....

_Théoden rode forwards slowly and they saw the men were occupied with burying the dead. As he approached the men looked up and amazed dropped to their knees_

**Man 1** – My lord? You... You’ve recovered?

**Théoden** – Yes, I wish to know Erkenbrand’s whereabouts. What happened here?

**Man 1** – My lord we rode with Erkenbrand on Lord Éomer’s instructions

**Théoden** – Oh really? *Looks at Éomer who smiles guiltily*

**Man 1** – Aye lord, we are all in content with Wormtounge’s... Assurances. Hearing of villages, shepherds attacked and labelled “coincidence” sat ill until we decided to protect our people and rode out.

**Éomer** – Did you find the orcs strange? The ones I faced were more akin to man, far braver then is their want

**Man** 2 –They called themselves “fighting Uruk-Hai” I have never seen their like! Fierce fighters ally with Saruman now

**Théoden** – Saruman? Are you sure?

**Man 2** – Aye I am lord. They bore the mark of the white hand proudly. Erkenbrand himself questioned one and came to the same conclusion of their allegiance

**Théoden** – Then it is true, we are betrayed. Where is Erkenbrand now?

**Man 1** – He rode north chasing the remainder of this group leaving orders to return to the deep once we tend to the dead. We have heard tell of the army that draws near

**Théoden** – Then our path lies there. Travel with us

**Éomer** – Aye, we shall assist you then ride upon the wings of the storm to the deep

**Gandalf** – Alas not us all, my path leads elsewhere. I must take my leave here My lord, I have 10,000 orcs to manage! Be safe Théoden King and farewell my friends! Look for me at dawn on the third day

_As he swiftly rides out Gimli clears his throat_

**Gimli** – Err has anyone else noticed that he seems to leave before every major battle?

**Legolas** – Aye, but I’m sure he has his reasons

**Gimli** – Indeed. He’s a git _*faintly hears “Screw you dwarf! Remember dawn, third day!”_

 

* * *

 

_And so they rode out (again) in a decidedly less dramatic manor..._

**Éomer** – Hey! We’re  Horsemen, it’s what we do!

**Gimli** – Don’t interrupt the narrator... It’s just not worth it

_... Thank you. They travelled quickly, gathering up all survivors and crops they found as the advancing army were burning the land and everything in their path. Or near their path. Or looked at them funny_

_As they neared they were greeted by Helms Dyke – A ring of mountains that provided natural cover. They rode past the defences that had been put in place; trenches filled with archers or pike men and then up the causeway to the gate. Surprisingly Gimli was impressed with the place and hastened to tell Éomer so._


	23. Preparing for war

_They were greeted by Gamling the old who was in charge of the defences and Éowyn whose lust filled glances made Éomer, Aragorn and Legolas so uncomfortable they swiftly left. They ordered the horses rested and the stores to be stowed in the deep, Éomer also ordered the woman and children to hide in the Dun-Harrow so they could escape. Éowyn unsuccessfully argued to be allowed to stay and fight but was firmly shut down by Théoden and Éomer. She tearfully appealed to Aragorn who pretended not to hear her until Legolas stamped on his foot, and he them persuaded her that there would be other battles. With the woman and children safe they then prepared for war, training the men, who Legolas noted they were mostly either too old or too young to fight, checking the armour and weapons. There was little talk as all were reflecting they were likely to die._

 

_On the second day the scouts reported the army were just hours away so they prepared the horses etc one last time. Théoden donned his armour and slowly but gracefully climbed to the battlements. His army stood below him_

**Théoden** – Men, I will not deny they have higher numbers. The fight will be brutal, fierce and each of us will face death, be surrounded by it, watch our friends fall. But we will win this fight! They have craven hearts, yours are the heart of man, strong and true. They will face Helms Deep with fear and tremble at our feet! For every death let them pay a thousand times over! The Hornburg is impenetrable! The Hornburg will never fall while there are men to defend it! They will break upon it as water, and we will have a victory for the ages, and for our fallen brother’s eternal gratitude and remembrance. Now fight for king and country! For Rohan!

_They all took their positions and waited. Soon the sound of fighting reached their ears as the orcs reached the vanguard left to thin them out. They killed a great many but were finally forced to retreat by the sheer numbers they faced. Archers covered them while they rode along the causeway and through the gates which were swiftly barricaded behind them. Water was provided to them and any injured taken to the keep for treatment. Then men on the walls looked out at a sea of torches that were headed towards them and were afraid until Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli arrived.  Gimli radiated an air of complete aggression and growled impatiently. Legolas looked serene and calmly plucked his bowstring. Aragorn looked around and smiled._

 

**Aragorn** – Well, well, where are your manners? We need to great our ... guests. Gimli will you do the honours?

**Gimli** – With pleasure * _he stepped forwards and took a great breath*_ Khazâd! Khazâd!  Khazâd ai-mênu!

_Silence_

**Aragorn** – How about that in the common tongue?

**Gimli** – oh ok for you simpletons out there, Come on then if you think you’re hard enough!!

**Legolas** – Much better.

**Gimli** – Thanks, I felt it had a ring to it!

**Aragorn** – Well that did it! Here they come, Good luck my friends!

_The battle for the Hornburg had begun._

 

**Narrator** : End...

 

**Legolas** – Wait! Wait a minute... What was it Gimli said? In the common tongue I mean

**Gimli** – Oh it translates to “Axes of the Dwarves! The Dwarves are upon you!”

**Legolas** – Surely you mean dwarf... Why use the plural?

**Gimli** – It’s a battle cry! They don’t come prepared for every situation!?! *Éomer appears*

**Éomer** – Have you finished your debate yet? Good, can we get back to the war now? *walks off*

**Legolas** – Good point.

 

**Narrator** : End...

 

Aragorn – Hey guys! I just realised that... Oh sorry didn’t mean to interrupt...

 

**Narrator** : _*sighs heavily*_ has everyone finished???

**All** – Yes

 

**Narrator** – Good! Geez freaking amateurs... 


	24. The battle begins

_Gamling gave the order for all to be still and to draw the army in closer. The orcs surged to the causeway then paused. For a moment all was still then an Orc boldly put a foot on the causeway and flinched. When nothing happened they rushed forwards some heading to the walls, others up the causeway. They were barely a quarter of the way up when Gamling gave the signal and the arrows flew. They decimated the orcs on the causeway and the rest fled in dismay. They soon returned in greater numbers and slowly gained ground._

_Once they were halfway a signal was given and the orcs raised their shields. Two groups of wilder men and Uruk’s came up behind them bearing battering rams. They slowly crossed the causeway stumbling over bodies until they reached the gate. They began to ram the gate as arrows rained down upon them, they were unrelenting and it looked as though they’d break through when the orc archers joined them and began to fire upwards. Aragorn and Éomer were on the walls when they heard the crashes and both ran like fire towards them gathering a group of men. They snuck through a hidden side gate unnoticed by the orcs until with a mighty cry they attacked_

**Éomer** – Gúthwinë! Gúthwinë for the mark!

**Aragorn** – Andúril! Andúril for the Dúnedain!

 

_At the mention of Andúril fear came to the orcs and they were quickly slain. They briefly rested looking at the vast army before them and at the extensive damage done to the gate._

**Aragorn** – It is lucky indeed

**Éomer** – What is? That we arrived in time?

**Aragorn** – Yes. Uh-oh looks like they are getting bolder again, we had better retreat! To the fort!

**Éomer** – Where else would we go?

**Aragorn** – Oh shut it Blondie

_As they turned to retreat several orcs who had been lying with the slain jumped up and attacked Éomer from behind. He fell heavily and as Aragorn turned to help a shadowy figure rose up shouting “Baruk Khazâd! Khazâd ai-mênu!” and swiftly beheaded them. Aragorn ran up and grabbed them both half dragging them into the safety of the keep_

**Éomer** – I thank you Gimli so of Glóin! I did not know you had joined us, but the unbidden guest proves the best company. How came you to be there?

**Gimli** – I followed you to shake off sleep and escape the elf’s “morale talks”. Truly horrific. But those wilder men looked too mu... Easy for me so I sat back and let you fellows do the work. And may I say you have excellent swordsmanship you two! Very entertaining!

**Éomer** – I shall find it hard to repay you

**Gimli** \- * _chuckles_ * There shall be many chances this night or I’m an elf. Incidentally I also have a generous payment plan. But I am happy, my axe has tasted naught but wood since Moria! Can you believe it? And this was despite all those attacks on us. Bloody typical

_They returned to the walls where Gimli promptly sought out Legolas_

**Gimli** – Two!

**Legolas** – Pardon? I.. I don’t... get...

**Gimli** – Two confirmed kills! I also saved Éomer

**Legolas** – Ah, a good count though I have done better. I must grope for some arrows since mine are all spent.

**Gimli** – Better? What is your kill count?

**Legolas** – I make mine at 20 at least, although that is but a few leaves in this forest

**Gimli** – 20? Balls!

 

_The orcs regained their courage and redoubled their efforts on the walls throwing more grappling hooks they the defenders could cut and raising hundreds of ladders. Three times they nearly overwhelmed the defenders and each time Aragorn and Éomer rallied the men and drove them back. They had just thwarted the third attack when Gimli noticed that orcs had snuck into the keep. He bravely leapt down (forgetting the height) and took out several of them that never knew what hit them. After staggering up he let out a might yell_

**Gimli** – Ai-Oi! Orcs behind the wall! Come on guys, It’s a clearance sale and everyone must go! Khazâd! Khazâd ai-mênu!

_Gamling was nearby and heard him and swiftly gathered a sortie who fought so fiercely they slew them all easily_

**Gimli** – 21! Excellent! Now my sore has passed mater Legolas!

**Gamling** – we must stop this rat hole, dwarves are said to be good with stone. Please lend us your aid

**Gimli** – What aid? We dwarves do not hew it with our battle axes or shape it with our fingernails * _laughs_ * But I shall aid you to the best of my ability

 

_After it was blocked to his satisfaction he returned to the walls to see Legolas sharpening his knife_

**Gimli** – Ah, there you are elf! 21 now! I rule!!!

**Legolas** – Not bad, but my count is now over two dozen! It has been knife work up here!

**Gimli** – Dammit

**Aragorn** – shut it you two! Dawn is approaching, look at the sky. Dawn is ever the hope of man.

**Gamling** – I fear it will help us little, those half-breeds of Saurman’s are not scared of the sun Nor are the wildermen, although they are rude

**Éomer** – Let them be rude, I shall slay them all if they attack

**Aragorn** – Yes, yes you’re very manly, we all know this. Anyhow at least we could see better during the day. Hang on... Are they hanging back? Why are they not attacking??

**Legolas** – I am unsure, perhaps they are regrouping?

  **Gimli** – Ha-ha, wimps!!

_Suddenly a large explosion sounded as the wall shook beneath them! Once they could stand they stared in horror at the gaping hole in the wall_

**Gimli** – Oh my....  Balls! I had just fixed that!


	25. The Hornburg Defence

_The orcs had brought a device of Saruman’s and had placed it in the recently blocked culvert_

**Aragorn** – Damn Saruman’s sorcery! To the Breach!

_As they hastened to the breach the walls were suddenly attacked. The defenders were driven back slowly and were split into two groups, some driven towards the deep while others cut a path to the citadel_

_Aragorn was the last to get into the citadel, standing his ground to ensure the others escaped._

**Legolas** – Aragorn fall back, all are inside!

**Aragorn** – Nah, I got this!

**Legolas** – For the love of... Get back here now!

**Aragorn** – You can’t speak to me like that! I’m the future king!

**Legolas** – Hard to rule when dead idiot

**Aragorn** – I... Damn it!

_Aragorn then runs at Legolas cursing while the enemies stood puzzled. Legolas uses his law arrow to cover Aragorn’s unconventional retreat then the door is slammed shut and swiftly barricaded.  Legolas sighs in relief then turns to fins an irate Aragorn stood so close behind him their noses touched_

**Legolas** – Umm, Hi?

**Aragorn** – So. What was THAT all about!?!

**Legolas** – Well I had to get you in somehow!

**Aragorn** – NEVER AGAIN elf

**Legolas** – Ok, next time I’ll let you die if you prefer

**Aragorn** – Good. Wait...  Never mind, I feel I should say something to the men _. – He turned to the group behind them –_ So, a status update on the battle. Things go ill my friends.

_The crowd let out a collective moan an annoyance and someone in the back called “No shit!”_

**Legolas** – Ill enough but not hopeless, Right Gim... Wait... Where is the dwarf? Did he not make it in?

**Aragorn** – Oh yeah. He was fighting by the wall when I saw him last then we were swept apart. I hope he made it to the cave, there he will be safe and the refuge will be to his liking.

**Legolas** – That will have to be my hope also, although I had wanted to tell him my scare is now 39

**Aragorn** \- _*Laughs*_ If he made it to the caves I fear his score will surpass yours, never have I seen an axe so well wielded!

**Legolas** – Damn. So it’s just us now

**Aragorn** – Yup. Been a while

**Legolas** – last time was about 50 years ago when we got drunk and you mistook me for Arw...

**Aragorn** – OKAY! I need to go and report to Théoden now... Later buddy

* * *

 

 

_Aragorn entered the citadel to discover Éomer and Gamling were also missing. After reassuring the men he was despondently walking back to the king’s chamber to fins it empty. He looked until he came across Théoden in a high chamber in the central tower. He knocked on the door then strode in to find Théoden stood at a window looking out and prepared to make his report although it seemed to be all ill news_

**Théoden** – What news Aragorn?

**Aragorn** – Well... Maybe you should sit? – Théoden glares - _*sighs*_ Moving on. The deeping wall has been taken; many are in the keep although others are in the caves

**Théoden** – And Éomer?

**Aragorn** – Alas he is not here. I believe he has made it to the caves with Gamling and Gimli. I hope. I’m sure they have. Yeah....

**Théoden** – Good, there they will be safe, they had supplies and fresh air. Out of the reach of this awful foe and far better off than we. Also you will need to work on your reassurance skills

**Aragorn** – That ... May be true my lord. The orcs have a blasting fire made by that devil Saruman, If they cannot reach them they may block them in out if spite.

**Théoden** – It does me ill sitting here, If I was in the field holding a lance I may have felt again th joy of battle. I serve little purpose here.

**Aragorn** – Here you are surrounded by the fastness of Helms Deep and we have a greater chance of defending ourselves

**Théoden** – I had believed Helms Deep was impenetrable, now I am unsure. I had not known their hatred! Now the council of Gandalf seems worse than in the light of day

**Aragorn** – Do not doubt, Gandalf’s words were wise

**Théoden** – But he ran off!

**Aragorn** – Yeeees... but to get aid. Don’t judge his council til all is over. Be cool

**Théoden** – The end of coming soon but I will not sit here like a badger in a trap! We will ride out and cleave a road or make such an end as would be worth a song, if any are left to sing it. Will you ride with us _*Glares fiercely at Aragorn*_

**Aragorn** – I will?

_Aragorn takes his leave and gets all prepared and assists where the fighting is hottest until it was almost dawn. Then he goes to stand at the gate and looks out unafraid. The orcs jeer at him and he warns them to leave with such majesty the Wild Men are cowed, though the orcs just laugh and shoot arrows at him. He neatly dodged them then strolls into the keep_

_Soon after the orcs blast the gate open then paused in fear as the Horn of Helm is sounded, echoes causing them to drop to the floor covering their ears while the Wild men looked around in fear as the horns grew louder. Then came calls of “Helm! Helm has risen! Helm for Théoden King!” As it reached it crescendo dawn broke and the column rode it, Théoden and the lords of the mark in front. They cut a path through the orcs and none could stand before them. On their second charge the men in the deep burst out and joined the fray_

_Théoden gathered his troops for a final charge which took them to Helms Gate itself and there they stopped and stared. Just beyond the dyke the land had changed, the glade was now a forest! They stared as the orcs were driven into the dike and fought for freedom with no avail, the wild men equally as desperate._

_On the ridge a white clad rider appeared as the sounds of horns rang out. A might figure strode to stand beside the rider and blew his Horn_

**Théoden** \- Erkenbrand? He has come!

**Éomer** – Erkenbrand! Took your time _*Laughs*_ Come join the Fray friend!

_Erkenbrand’s men, a thousand strong rushed to join the fight and at the sight the Wildmen all cried out in dismay and fell on their faces in submission. The orcs all fled into the forest which seemed to move without a breeze. None escaped._

_The battle was over_


	26. Aftermath

_Théoden rides out to Gandalf on the battlefield and greats him. As they are talking there is a great shout and the men exit the caves. Éomer and Gimli casually stroll over to great their friends_

**Éomer** – Hello. Gandalf you turned up unexpectedly but in the nick of time!

**Gandalf** – Unexpected? I told you that I would arrive on the dawn of the third day, I’d say that was rather specific! Does no one remember this? _*Silence*_ Honestly!

**Aragorn** – We were in a battle! It just slipped our minds

**Gandalf** – while I rush to get reinforcements and get back in time to save you all, and yet no one remembers!

**Gimli** – Poor you. Now onto the important stuff! 42 elf! Did my score beat yours? And could you believe it my axe is now notched! Stupid metal collared son of a...

**Legolas** – Well, you beat my score by one although I am so pleased to see you I mind not

**Gimli** – Pleased ?Why?

**Legolas** -Aragorn and I had nothing to talk about... It was most awkward. So I actually missed you...

**Gimli** – Well I may have missed you as well. A bit. Although I must say that Éomer is excellent company! He even let me have my own torch so I could explore the caves!  I can never do that with you guys! We should really spend more time with him

**Legolas** – So it sounds.

**Gimli** – What’s with all these trees Gandalf? Are they yours?

**Gandalf** – No this is beyond even my ability. They belong to one who is older than I and whose hatred for the orcs runs deep. You may have a chance to meet him as I need to go to Isenguard. As he injured party Théoden you...

**Théoden**  - Isenguard? Sorry, sorry continue

**Gandalf** – You may join me. If you wish to stay look for me when the moon waxes, my psth lies east

**Théoden**  - Your council was doubted briefly but proved true. I shall accompany you but my men need rest

**Gandalf** – We go to parlay so you need to worry. Rest now Théoden  king

* * *

 

_As Théoden and his chosen men slept there was a discussion over who shall accompany them, Gimli refusing to be left behind had taken it upon himself to invite the men he had been most impressed with until Aragorn forcefully stopped him then had his wound tended to. The men to stay behind made the Wild Men to assist on the burials, confiscating their weapons and making them swearing an oath to never take up arms against Rohan again. The Wild Men were surprised at this as Saruman had told them they tortured prisoners._

_The men were all buried and the orcs were put in a huge pile and left there at Gandalf suggestion. The departure was put on hold while Hama was buried in front of the gate where he fell, Théoden deeply upset and cast the first earth. Then they set off, riding through the forest in front of Helms Deep quickly as they all felt uneasy even with Gandalf’s reassurances. They were silent as they travelled although Legolas was excited and looking around. He was unable to stop and explore though as he was riding with Gimli who voiced loud protests over every attempt to stop. Legolas kept trying to discuss this forest with him until Gimli told him to be quiet or he’d ride with Éomer instead. All were glad when they cleared the trees but as Legolas looked back longingly he gave a shout_

**Legolas** – Eyes! Their are eyes in the trees!

_They all looked back and Legolas went to ride back only to be stopped by Gandalf. Several Ents strode from the forest, taking no notice of them and headed off._

**Théoden**  - What are they?

**Gandalf** – Did you not listen to the tales of the forest by a fire lord? They are they shepherds

**Éomer** – Of what?

**Théoden**  - Trees... You mean Ents? Do you not Gandalf? Aye Ents, I thought they were just tales!

**Legolas** – They are real lord, Elves often sing of them. I have always wished to meet one!

**Gimli** – be content with seeing! I wish to get away from that infernal forest! If you wish to hear of beauty listen to my tales of the caves

_Legolas and Gimli carried on this conversation until they agreed ro visit both places when this was all over. They then argued over the order of the visits until Aragorn hit them._

* * *

 

_As they approached the fords Théoden  was loath to go there as he believed his men had been left to rot, but when he got there he saw burial mounds and was amazed_

**Théoden**  - This was your doing?

**Gandalf** – Yes, I had found more men had escaped than the rumour told and bade them to bury the dead then return to Edoras to protect your city

**Théoden**   - I thank you, although I wonder how long I will tarry there

**Éomer** – Look I’m not being funny here, but isn’t anyone else concerned about the river being dry? What could have done this? Some devilry of Saruman’s?

**Aragorn** – It could be, look at the smoke over there! One would think the Wizards Vale was burning!

**Éomer** – Aye, although it looks like steam? Could he be boiling the Isens waters?

**Gandalf** – Perhaps

**Gimli** – Okay stop with the cryptic stuff! It’s annoying!

 

_They decide to camp and continue the next day. A watch was set and all was peaceful until they were swiftly surrounded by a blackness which streamed passed them. The watch cried out and the camp came to life reaching for the weapons but Gandalf told them to fear it not. He swiftly fell asleep again although no one else could sleep after that. Back at Helms deep the men left behind were all awoken by a loud rustling and were amazed to see the tree’s had vanished_

* * *

 

_Near dawn the river began to gurgle and flow which caused much confusion and alarm. They decided to travel to Isenguard as quickly as possible.  They cover the distance swiftly and soon arrived at the Wizards Vale. They approach the valley and stared around in horror as the once lush vale was now filled with weeds and stumps as all the trees had been long cut down. A feeling of unease came upon them and they rode closer together. They reached the marker to find it was brown with Red nails instead of the white hand. They continued until they reached the gate where they stopped and stared._

_The gate and walls were in ruins with great breaches in them as though they were torn apart and the gate was in splinters with a single hinge still attached. They slowly moved further in to see that Isenguard had been flooded._

**Éomer** – Well this explains the rivers state!

**Aragorn** – Aye but Saruman did not do this

**Éomer** – Not unless this was a water feature gone wrong.

_Théoden   looks away at the terrible joke and notices two small figuresd among the rubble, one asleep and the other blowing smoke rings. As he approached the smoker jumped up and bows, kicking the other awake who joins him and bows too, not noticing his friends standing slack jawed behind Théoden ._

**Merry** – My lord Théoden welcome to Isenguard. We are the door wardens Meriadoc is my name and my wearied companion is Peregin. Lord Saruman would no doubt greet you but his is currently locked up in his tower with a Wormtounge, who I’m told is an acquaintance of yours?

**Gandalf** – No doubt he would, did Saruman bade you to watch the gate for us?

**Merry** – No sir, It was Treebeard who desired it. He has taken over management of Isenguard while Saruman is... indisposed. He sent word that you were coming and commanded me to welcome you with my most fitting words, and I have done my best

**Théoden**  - He knew?

**Merry** – Oh yes! You were seen my Ents who informed him, see Quickbeam is stood watch over there.

**Gimli** – Fantastic! And what of us! We ran ourselves ragged searching for you, fighting battles, riding for bloody hours to find you feasting and smoking! Smoking! Where did you get the weed villains? I am so torn in between rage and joy it’s a wonder I don’t burst!

**Legolas** – You speak for me also, although I would rather know about the Wine!

**Pippin** – You clearly haven’t found your wits yet, we sit on the field of victory eating our well earned plunder of course!

**Gimli** – well earned? _*Laughs_ * I hardly believe that! * _Pippin glares at him and is kicked by Merry*_

**Merry** – I am sorry Lord, My friend is well... stupid

**Théoden**   - _*laughs*_ clearly we are seeing the greetings of long lost friends! Tell me are you perchance what men call Halflings or holbyton?

**Merry** – Aye lord, although we call ourselves hobbits. I have never met anyone who has heard tales of us

**Théoden** \- I will not deceive you, we know very little but we once came from the north. I had not heard you blew smoke from your mouths however!

**Merry** – Well it’s an interesting story...

**Gandalf** \- _*Laughs*_ Théoden  I shall save you now for you know not the danger you are in, hobbits can talk for hours on this subject! Merry did Treebeard have a message for us, or did food and drink drive it from your mind?

**Merry** – Well I was interrupted by all these questions! He bade you to go to the eastern corner where food has been set, handpicked by myself.

**Théoden**  - Then I’m sure we shall enjoy it

 

_Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli decide to stay at the gate with Merry and Pippin while Gandalf goes with Theoden to see Treebeard. As they part Merry and Pippin bow to Théoden and pippin whispers to Merry_

**Pippin** – So that’s the king? I love him! So polite! *Pippin turns to the others* So who wants to eat? I’m starving!


	27. The Isenguard Reunion

 

_Merry and pippin prepare some food and they all sit on the wall to eat, smoke and catch up. Pippin greatly reduces Gimli’s annoyance by sharing his pipe with him and they began their tale, starting with the orcs to when they arrived at Isenguard with little interruptions_

**Merry** – So we arrive here with the Ents and... Wait... no! Not another...

**_\- Flashback –_ **

_The Ents stood waiting for the army to pass; the Huron’s leaving to follow the army of orcs eagerly. When all was clear the Ents gave a resounding call and attacked the walls easily tearing them as root through stone and then hurling chunks of rock into Isenguard slaying anything in their path. They quickly broke through and Quickbeam spotted Saruman and gave chase moving so swiftly Saruman was within a couple of steps of being caught when he reached the door. Once inside he began to set off traps, one of which caused liquid fire to leap into the air and seriously burn a handsome Ent called Beachbone. This drove the Ents to redouble their efforts hurling themselves, rocks, men whatever they could get a hold of at the tower which took minimal damage. Treebeard fearing the Ents would hurt themselves called for them to stop, and during the silence they heard Saruman laughing which had the eerie effect of making the Ents go very still. Treebeard signalled and they retreated to plan another attack._

_Merry and Pippin were hiding by the gate – A place they decided seemed safer while the Ents had been throwing things – and were just discussing where they could find some food when Treebeard walked over. Leisurely he pulled down a bit of wall as he informed them what had occurred pausing when the sound of hoof beats was heard. Treebeard stood still and faded into the few trees still standing while Merry and Pippin lay flat. The rider approached and seeing it was only one man Merry cautiously rose to see Gandalf_

**Merry** – Is it you?

 **Gandalf** – Where is Treebeard?

 **Merry** – I don’t believe it! It is you, you’ve returned

 **Gandalf** – Yes, greetings. I need Treebeard now, hobbits to be dealt with later

_Treebeard steps forward and they go off to talk, Gandalf beginning before they were out of earshot giving Merry and Pippin a chance to discuss this new turn of events_

**Pippin** – Merry... Seeing as Gandalf is back from the dead and all.. do you think?

 **Merry** – Think what Pip?

 **Pippin** – Could Boromir be alive too? Coz then his death wouldn’t be our fault and he’d be our friend again! Which would be awesome

 **Merry** – Oh Pip, I wish so but we saw him die so I doubt it

 **Pippin** \- Well.. We saw him get shot not die technically. Plus Gandalf did it

 **Merry** – Yes but he’s a Wizard, Boromir wasn’t just a really good fighter

 **Pippin** – oh yeah. *sniffs* I can’t believe I’ll never ...

_At this point Pipin breaks down crying and it takes Merry several minutes to discover that Pippin had let Boromir carry his lucky pipe among other things (In truth Pippin had snuck it into Boromir’s things so he didn’t have to carry it) and was crying over this loss, Merry staring at him is disbelief_

**Merry** – You... Utter loony! He did to protect us why can’t you be sad at that?

 **Pippin** – I am! It’s just at this moment I’m reminded that I lost my stuff

* * *

 

_Treebeard and Gandalf return and after a brief conversation Gandalf rides off promising to return soon and assuring Pippin Boromir were most likely dead. Treebeard eyes them approvingly and tells them they were not as hasty as he had thought. As he tells them what he had learned from Gandalf they again hear hooves and see Gandalf has returned_

**Pippin** – Wow that was fast!

 **Gandalf** – Yes, I had forgotten to ask you all have you seen a man called Erkenbrand? He’s very important to my plans

 **Treebeard** – Sorry my friend, he is not known to us

 **Gandalf** – Damn... These Hero types are always a hassle! Never staying still... Well farewell. Again

_As they watch Gandalf ride off Treebeard tells them he has a plan and advises them to get to higher ground, only saying that they will soon find out why when questioned then striding off to begin his plans_

**Pippin** – Merry, have you noticed that people never include us in their plans?

 **Merry** – I... Uh... Hey you’re right! Wonder why? Well we had better get to higher ground then

_During the night the Ents flooded Isenguard and the hobbits (After realising they had not gone high enough and narrowly missing the flood) spent the rest of the night shivering on top of one of the walls. Morning came full of fog and as Treebeard was checking on them they heard hoof beats yet again and they turned expecting to see Gandalf and were surprised to see a hooded figure in a purple robe. They saw the trio and turned to flee but Treebeard easily caught them_

**Treebeard** – Who are you woman?

 **Grima** – Hey! I’m a man! My name is Grima and I...

 **Treebeard** – Oh I see the dress confused me

 **Grima** – MY NAME IS GRIMA AND I WISH TO SEE SARUMAN!

 **Treebeard** – There was no cause to yell. I have been told of you master Grima. Well clearly not all such as you wearing dresses but sadly for you Gandalf had arrived here first.

 **Grima** – Yeah big deal! Let me through now

 **Treebeard** – But of course. I shall escort you

 **Grima** – Escort? I know they way

 **Treebeard** \- _*chuckles*_ we shall see

_They lead him through the gates and Grima paused to see the flood, blinking in horror_

**Grima** – I was only gone for one night! What on earth...

 **Treebeard** – Well go ahead

 **Grima** – Uh no. My messages are useless now! And I can’t ... what’s the word for moving in water?

 **Pippin** – Swim?

 **Grima** – Yes that

 **Treebeard** – Gandalf said to out the snakes together. It’s only a little dirty water and it will not harm you. I however will if you stay here

 **Grima** – Oh. Guess I’ll ... Swim them. Shit.

_Treebeard follows Grima to the tower and watches as Saruman drags him inside then returns to the hobbits. He asks them to look over the salvaged food and to watch the road and then later asked them to prepare food for 20+ humans (The party had previously been counted by the watch Ents) and this was when they had found a barrel of pipe weed_

**_\- Flashback ends –_ **

**Merry** – Oh I hate those things!

 **Legolas** – they are extremely annoying, although informative and time saving in the long run

 **Merry** – I’m starting to think they are following us or something

 **Pippin** – Well whatever... Who was that Grima lady-man Strider?

 **Aragorn** – Who? Oh yeah him. He was Théoden kings advisor but became a double agent for Saruman in order to dethrone Théoden, in a vain attempt to hook up with his niece

 **Pippin** – To what?

 **Aragorn** – Hook up, you know to have se...

 **Legolas** – Aragorn! He is far to simp... young to have this discussion. And especially not here in earshot of her family

 **Gimli** – Aye, filthy human. Pay him no heed young hobbit he’s a fool

 **Aragorn** – You can’t talk to me like that I’m the king! You ass! _*Ahem*_ Sorry. So he betrayed his people and king and then Gandalf exposed him – not like that- so he fled here to his master

 **Pippin** – Master? Like Frodo and Sam master?

 **Aragorn** – Well...

 **Merry** – No Pip, but I do have to ask; why the dress though?

 **Aragorn** – No idea

 **Legolas** – Don’t ask me

 **Gimli** – I was too scared to ask myself

_They notice Gandalf and the kings company were returning and rode to meet them, both hobbits sat with Aragorn which he was unhappy about_

**Gandalf** – Ah, there you are. Let us go see Saruman. I can’t wait to hear him try to explain this one away


	28. Saurman’s concern

_Saruman paced the length of the room nervously_

 

**Saruman** – Tell me again

**Grima** – Your army is destroyed! Théoden’s men fought like men possessed! Then this Gandalf fellow turns up with a tree army and killed everyone left! The same tree’s that surround us now!

**Saruman** – Treebeard! That damned Ent had a hand on this, or a root or whatever. Then what?

**Grima** – Then what... We lost and have been captured and shoved in this tower

**Saruman** – A minor setback

**Grima** – Minor?!?

**Saruman** – I’m... working on a plan

**Grima** – _*disbelieving*_ Oh good, how’s it coming

**Saruman** – Well, really well. Could be a bit better I suppose. _*Grima stares at him*_ Okay so it’s not! I’m under a lot of pressure here!

**Grima** – We all are! You think Théoden will just let me go? Or that savage Éomer...

**Saruman** – For Théoden, it’s the Ents we have to be concerned with

**Grima** – Why?

**Saruman** – Ents are stronger than trolls, and far more cunning

**Grima** – A rock is more cunning than a troll. Ugh I need to lie down

**Saruman** – Man up! _*Mutters*_ Come on think! Sauron could help? No... then I’d look weak. Hmmm I could transform into an Ent?

**Grima** – Err... Saruman?

**Saruman** \- Then I can just walk out here! Yes! Oh no wait... that’s not my power... damn it thought I was onto something there....

**Grima** – Hellooo? Saruman? Oi you useless git!

_At that Saruman’s head snapped around_

**Saruman** – Useless!?!

**Grima** \- _*backs away*_ I was just trying to get your attention! Sorry!

**Saruman** – Well now you have it. Something you wanted to say?

**Grima** \- _*Gulps_ * We have visitors, looks _*points to window*_

**Saruman** – Bollocks! You distract them while I freshen up! I must look imposing

**Grima** – Distract them how!?!

**Saruman** – Not my problem, you’re the freaking servant. So serve! Gods almighty must I do everything?

_He walks off muttering_

**Grima** – I.. But I... They Hate me. Crap! I was so better off with Théoden

**Saruman** – I heard that you ungrateful cur!

**Grima** – I... Oh F...

_He walks to the balcony muttering about the general unfairness of life then leans against the wall taking a deep breath_

**Grima** – Oh I hate my life! If they recognise me... Not worth thinking about! Maybe if I wear a scarf I can hide my true Identity!

_He quickly wraps his head in a nearby scarf and pauses smoothing down the dress then strides out the balcony door_

 


	29. Paying a neighbourly visit

_Gandalf, Théoden and company rode through Isenguard deep in thought, Gandalf now riding with Pippin as Aragorn had threatened to drown him if he had to look after him any longer. They all had different expectations of their greeting although none anticipated a warm welcome. The rode to the steps without being stopped and there Gandalf, Théoden, Éomer, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli all dismounted and went up the steps, while the men and Merry and Pippin stayed at the bottom step_

**Gandalf** – Saruman! I Gandalf command you to...

_Suddenly the door was flung open dramatically only to hit the wall too hard and be flung shut again. They all exchanged puzzled glances and the door was gingerly opened and a figure shuffles out arranging its dress and scarf before looking down_

**Grima** – _*muffled*_ what do you want? We don’t speak to tradesmen

**Théoden** – Allow me.  Good woman is Saruman there? We have travelled a great way to speak to him

**Grima** \- _*Mutters*_ Woman? I need to change this robe! _*louder*_ Uh no, go away. He uh, won’t like that, we are very busy

**Théoden** \- _*laughs*_ I think you misunderstand woman I was not asking

**Grima** – Well tough bye now

**Gandalf** – Enough of this nonsense! Grima go fetch your master and stop wasting my time!

**Théoden** \- _*Turns to Gandalf thunderstruck*_ Grima!?!

**Gandalf** – Yes

**Théoden** – like my old...

**Gandalf** – Yes that’s him * _Éomer shoulders start to shake as he struggles to contain his laughter*_

**Théoden** – In the dress...

**Gandalf** – Yes...

**Théoden** – Since when did he...

**Gandalf** – Look we can discuss this traumatic event later. We need to be on our game. Grima go fetch your master now, and don’t tally to check your dress again please

_At this Éomer sits down on the stairs and collapses in laughter, as did many of the men_

_Grima is then yanked back out of their sight and fierce whispers are faintly heard_

**Saruman** – What on earth are you doing? I said Distract not Traumatise them!

**Grima** – I didn’t!

**Saruman** – How can I be taken seriously now? And is that my damn scarf? Take it off now

**Grima** – Okay! Look I’m sorry but I...

**Saruman** – completely messed up? Yes you did. It’s all up to me now _*Saruman straightens his robes*_ ShowTime. *loudly* who disturbs my rest?

_He majestically strides out and looks down haughtily although the effect was spoilt when the wind changed direction and blew his hair in his face. With a glare he silenced the sniggers from below_

**Saruman** – Greetings Théoden king I have long desired to speak to you. We should have peace between us

_He had put  his power behind these words and all in the group were affected. To them he seemed a great king gently admonishing an elderly and much beloved servant_

**Saruman** – The... regrettable rift between us can be fixed. Together we can parlay for a better...

**Éomer** – You speak of peace? To us! Do you jest? Uncle! Do not fall for this!?! Think of Hama, of your son, of all who died for this upstarts greed! He who dares speak of peace

**Saruman** – Éomer son of Éomund I wish to speak to those wiser than you. Hold your tongue and fight your uncle’s enemies as he bade

**Éomer** – You tell me to know my place! I think not upstart! And at least I do not force my servants to dress as females! Unlike some I have no difficulty getting females to my bed

_Saruman glares at him and Grima is heard to say “oh gods!” Saruman turns to Grima and tells him to go fetch the Palantir_

**Théoden** – Éomer, enough. My son I wish for peace but I am no fool. Saruman even if your attack were just, which it was not, the cruelty and brutality of your troops makes peace impossible. I recall Hama whose body was hewn long after he was dead and my son who was saved from this fate only by the love of his men! You ask for a parlay? I tell you this, there will be peace only when you have repaid your ecil debt and can harm no others! On the men, woman and children that were slaughtered in your name I swear this!

_The men of Rohan, freed from Saruman’s spell by Théoden’s words cheer loudly_

**Saruman** – So you throw back my offer of peace? Fool! A lesser son of great sires should choose his friends more wisely! _*The power he put into this sentence made them all flinch at his words*_ I had hoped for better. And what of you Gandalf? You stand there silently; won’t you come up and discuss this situation? You who saw me extend the hand of friendship, to be abused by brigands at my door! Join me Gandalf, you must!

_Saruman put his full power behind the last sentence and even Théoden was persuaded that Gandalf would leave them and go inside the tower. In despair they all turned to Gandalf who began to laugh._

* * *

 

_Gandalf looked up at Saruman and smiled_

**Gandalf** – Saruman how quickly you forget. I escaped you, why would the prisoner return by the door? You speak of compassion but show none. Still I offer you to go in peace, leave the keys with me then never return

**Saruman** – Leave? Why would I leave? In my tower I am safe and yet I am to entrust the keys to you? Would you not stop until you have the seven stones, the five staffs and the keys to Barad-dûr itself and have purchased a pair of boots several sizes too big!?!

**Gandalf** \- _*laughs*_ your tower is a ruin you know

**Saruman** – Made so by YOUR allies! I know they are there hiding, those wood demons! Ents, Bah! And as for your “offer” why should I agree? You show up here with rag tags hanging from your belt and I still tried to make you see sense. I offered you a better way but you in your great wisdom threw it in my face! I shall stay here, waiting and when the darkness comes and you fall I shall grieve for you and your foolishness, although I expected no better. You always followed your own path. Be gone now!

_He turns to leave and takes a few steps but is frozen by Gandalf and made to turn back_

**Gandalf** – Saruman your power is diminished. For your treachery I cast you out of the order! Your staff is broken _*Saruman’s staff breaks in two*_

**Saruman** – How? How can you wield this power?

_Gandalf removes his cloak to reveal his new white robes_

**Gandalf** – I am Gandalf the white now. Live here as you wish clutching at the ends of old plots until your master comes for you. Now go!

_Saruman who had been struggling against Gandalf’s hold was  flung backwards, just as the palantir strikes the balcony and falls to the ground. It rolls almost into the water until Pippin stops it and picks it up calling out “I have his ball!”_

**Gandalf** \- _*Chuckles*_ Ah ‘scuse me. A parting shot from Grima I believe

**Aragorn** – Perhaps he could not chose who he hated more so his aim was off

**Éomer** – No he has never been able to aim. He remains the only male who was so useless in battle we actually made him sit it out. He once managed to hit the roof of the great hall from 40 paces

**Pippin** – Isn’t that good? Well goodish

**Éomer** – It was behind him

**Pippin** – wow

**Théoden** – Yes when Grima practised we had to send everyone inside and away from all windows and doors for their safety

**Legolas** – Ouch

_They are all laughing when Gandalf notices Pippin is holding the Palantir_

**Gandalf** – Give that here lad, it’s not safe _*Holds it up to the light*_ A treasure indeed. Saruman will be most upset to lose this! Incidentally could someone please stop Pippin from attempting to use my leg as a ladder? Ah thank you Merry.

_They are then interrupted by a piercing scream from the tower proving Gandalf’s premonition true_

**Théoden** – Poor Grima *Shakes his head*

**Éomer** \- *solemnly* I hope he takes it like a man _*everyone but Éomer and Pippin laughs*_ What? What did I say?

_Aragorn leans over and whispers the explanation_

**Éomer** – hahaha! I’m good without even trying

**Théoden** – Indeed, shall we go? I tire of this dreary place


	30. Pippin's Foolishness

_They returned to the gate where Gandalf updated Treebeard. He listened calmly before replying that the Ents would watch Saruman, their anger needed thousand s of years to dissipate. He then turned to Merry and Pippin & they shared a fond farewell & they promised to alert him on any news of the Entwives. They rode swiftly Pippin with Aragorn and Merry with Gandalf, Merry soon began to hear Gandalf muttering_

 

_Merry_ – What is that Gandalf? It’s pretty

_Gandalf_ – It’s an old rhyme from Gondor lad

_Merry_ – Did you hear it from Aragorn?

_Gandalf - *Chuckles*_ No it’s from long. Long ago

_Merry_ – Oh, does he know it? It seems like his thing...

_Gandalf_ – I doubt it, although I never thought to ask him

_Merry_ – Will we be riding long?

_Gandalf_ _\- *Laughs loudly*_ Save me from hobbits with endless questions! What is it that you wish to know?

_Merry_ – All the names of the stars, men, plants  & everything in Middle earth of course!  But for now I’ll settle for knowing how long we will be travelling for?

_Gandalf_ – We will reach a suitable camping site, after resting we shall accompany Theoden to Helms Deep, then to Edoras as he decides

_Merry_ _\- *Laughs*_ It seems we get all or nothing from you! I know enough to satisfy my curiosity for now, I hope you don’t mind this Ragtags questions

_Gandalf_ – Pay no heed to his words lad, Right now you  & Pippin are on his mind more than any of us, he must wonder if you escaped his Uruks & how you did. The fool underestimated you hobbits.

_Merry_ – I thought you said he was wise

 

_*Both laugh*_

 

_They swiftly made camp by the riverbed where they ate a little & slept taking it in turns to guard. Merry and Pippin lay in a shallow dip near Aragorn & Gandalf. Merry was soon dozing but Pippin couldn’t sleep_

_Pippin_ – Merry? ... Merry? _*Kicks him hard*_

_Merry_ – Ouch! Wait what?

_Pippin_ – Merry, are you awake?

_Merry_ – Yeah now...

_Pippin_ – Oh good. I was wondering what Gandalf said earlier?

_Merry_ – You heard us, we discussed the route then Saruman’s comment about us.

_Pippin_ – He’s different now. Gandalf I mean, not Saruman... I can’t really judge him yet

_Merry_ – Yes, grim yet merrier, free with information yet close as well. But he’s still the same Pip. What’s bugging you? And make it quick, we need to get some sleep...

_Pippin_ – Well... I was just thinking that he didn’t even thank me for saving that ball thingy. I mean I could have let it get all wet or lost but I tried to help and all I got was “Give me that lad” so unfair. I mean I wasn’t asking for thanks but a nice cash gift would have been appreciated

_Merry_ – So that’s what’s bugging you! I’m sure he had a reason but there is nothing we can do now. I’ll help you tomorrow but we must sleep now.

_Pippin_ – I want another look!

_Merry_ – It’s too late! Now go to sleep Pip and we will ask him tomorrow. Pip lie down... that’s not lying down that’s sitting... Don’t make me wake up Gimli to yell at you... that’s better. Good night

_Pippin lay down muttering “Well you’re no help”_

 

_Pippin lay there for as while then got up silently & stretched then noticed that Gandalf was nearby. He looked around to see if there were any guards nearby then quietly walked towards Gandalf – who had wrapped the ball in rags and was hiding it –_

 

_Pippin - *Muttering*_ Stupid rules... Want to look but can’t. Why does he need to sleep he’s old? Hmm unless I steal it I can’t look... but I’m not allowed to steal Sam made that very clear... But he also isn’t here so maybe I can? _*sighs heavily*_ Man I need Merry to work out the hard _details - Gandalf rolls over and is now facing Pippin -_  Okaaaay that’s creepy, I had better go!

_Pippin turns to leave and trips over a small round object_

_Pippin_ – Ouch!!! Wait what was that? Oh hey I found it! Fate must want me to have a look

 

_He swiftly removed the ball and wrapped the rock in the rags then places it under Gandalf’s arm then stole away to have a look in peace. He sits crossed legged & stared intently into the stone seeing only stars at first, until he held it differently, then the stars seemed to form a logo. A face appeared and Pippin was drawn closer to it. He gave muted whimpers for a few minutes until he was released then fell back with a piercing scream. As the camp awoke he was discovered by Éomer – Sadly not before he was trod on by the guards in the dark – and Éomer called for Gandalf. Gandalf hastily covered the stone & bent over Pippin muttering.  Soon Pippin jerked then opened his eyes gasping_

 

_Pippin - *yells loudly*_ It is not for you! He will send for it!

_Aragorn_ – Oh great he’s gone insane. We will have to kill him and move on with our lives. Fare the well Pippin; we shall recall you fond... err... clearly

_Legolas_ – Aragorn! Is that any way to act in front of our new friends? I mean we have finally made some decent human allies and you try to scare them off. Gimli and I like Éomer! He’s awesome and his hair smells so good!

_Aragorn_ – Well I like him too... _*Mutters*_ But his manliness scares me sometimes

_Éomer_ – Uh... Thanks guys, I like you too. However we really should focus on helping Pippin right? And thanks for the compliment about my hair

_Legolas_ – Well it’s hard to miss it, not many humans get it right, I mean look at... Aragorn! Put down the sword & step away from the hobbit! Now Mister! Gimli quick stop him! _– Eomer quickly steps behind Aragorn and swiftly tripped him –_ Oh thank you!

 

_Gandalf - *Mutters*_ Bloody idiots! Pippin talk to us, what happened?

_Pippin_ – Gandalf? Oh Gandalf I’m sorry _! *starts to sob gently*_

_Pippin reluctantly tells them about the armies he saw and how a giant fiery eye had filled the view and began to question him_

 

_Gimli_ – Question you?

_Pippin_ – I never told him anything I swear! Well I don’t think that it was anything important; he asked what I was & hurt me ‘til I told him then he said to tell Saruman it wasn’t for him and it all went dark.

_Gandalf_ – Pippin look at me _*He stares intently into his eyes*_ Yes I believe you...


	31. Gandalf departs for Gondor

_Gandalf rises slowly_

**Gandalf** – It seems we have had a bit of luck. Thanks to Pippins foolishness we have a glance at _his_ plans. He will now hasten to Isenguard so we must hurry

**Théoden** – What is your plan Gandalf?

**Gandalf** – I need you to return home and marshal your men, they will be called for. Pippin go and pack, you shall accompany me to Gondor

**Pippin** – Wait really? No jokes?

**Gandalf** – Well who else can keep you out of trouble? Go pack

_Merry and Pippin walk off and Gandalf watches them_

**Gandalf** – It is lucky he was questioned so quickly, there will be no ill effects for him

**Gimli** – That’s good, but why is no one asking what the ball is? Surely it can’t be just me wondering what magic this is

**Gandalf** – Aragorn can tell you better than I _– He holds it out for inspection –_

**Aragorn** – A palantir! Oooh the deluxe model as well.  _– Notices Gimli staring at him –_ Sorry, this is an ancient tool used in Gondor for the realms to keep in contact instantly. How did Saruman get this, let alone upgrade it? Unless... Yes when the north fell they must have taken it then, thieving bastards!

**Gandalf** – That would be my guess, it must still have been in the tower when Saruman took over. I wonder how long it was before his mind was poisoned? Poor fool and now we are left with this... What to do with it?

**Aragorn** – Uh leave it here with me and I’ll look after it, we can’t let the light-fingered hobbit near it after all...

**Gandalf** – Do I need to warn you not to touch it?

**Aragorn** – Have you ever known me to rush into things? I will only use it if and when it is necessary

_Gandalf looks at him for a moment then bows and presents the wrapped ball to Aragorn_

**Gandalf** – Now everyone remember, Pippin can never be told where the Palantir is. It would do him much harm to see it again. I must go to Gondor now for there the hammer will hit hardest and our plan is still in motion. It is east we pray they travel

**Aragorn** – Who? Saur... I mean him?

**Legolas** – Ugh, he means Frodo and Sam. Humans...

**Aragorn** – Oh them! Are we sure they will find the way?

**Gandalf** – We can only hope so

_Suddenly a dark shape flies overhead and a shrill cry is heard_

**Gandalf** – Nazgûl! Pippin we leave now! Hurry!

_The hobbit was quickly placed on Shadowfax and as Gandalf was about to leave he turns to Aragorn_

**Gandalf** – Remember your history. With the oath you will have your army. Farewell all

**Aragorn** – Cryptic as ever...

**Merry** – That’s Gandalf for you

_Aragorn placed his hand on Merry’s shoulder_

**Aragorn** – Don’t worry Pippin will be fine, Gandalf will see to that

**Merry** – Yes but who will protect Gandalf from Pippin?

**Aragorn** \- _*Chuckles*_ I’m afraid you will ride with me today, have you packed?

**Merry** – Yes and I have the odd bits that Pippin left behind as well. He got what he wanted

**Aragorn** – What tortured by a ball? _\- Winks –_

**Merry** – No not that, He wasn’t sleepy and wanted to ride with Gandalf, and now he is

**Aragorn** – He paid a hefty price

**Merry** – He has. Would he have learned his lesson?

**Aragorn** – Anyone else yes, Pippin ... perhaps. Now we go to Helms Deep, Legolas, Gimli are you ready?

**Gimli** – Aye, though I hate horses! Can’t we walk?

**Legolas** – Too far, we’d meet you there next spring.

**Gimli** – Damn...

**Éomer** – Do not fear my friend, you shall ride with in my Éored. Uncle we are ready to depart

**Théoden** – Is everyone ready? Master Merry are you looking forward to seeing Rohan?

**Merry** – Yes my Lord, although I won’t see much ‘til daybreak. And I’m... not good in fights but I can cook! I’d like to help!

**Théoden** – Excellent! And don’t worry; we have Éomer for the hard stuff like fighting

**Éomer** \- _*laughs*_ you are too kind!

**Théoden** – Stop laughing and get the men ready!

**Éomer** – Yes uncle. Éoreds form up! Elfhelm your Éored will scout, Erkenbrand yours shall be rearguard. We wait on your command Uncle.

**Théoden** – Well wait are we waiting for? Wives and children await us, hopefully with a good meal _*laughs*_ Let us be off!

_With a cheer they all set off to ride to Helms Deep_


	32. Boromir stranded

_Boromir and Gollum had been following Frodo and Sam for days, constantly arguing over the way, what game to play and what the rock over there looks like etc. Currently they were stood at the top of a very high, steep cliff looking down_

**Boromir** – Oh hell no, I am not climbing down there

**Gollum** – Is it... Chicken precious? Scareded?

**Sméagol** – Oh don’t be mean to it! We likes it

**Boromir** – _*Mutters*_ Trust my luck to get stuck in a 3 way conversation with only 2 people!

**Sméagol** – It say something?

**Boromir** – I said if I try to climb down there I’d fall and die

**Gollum** – So don’t fall

**Boromir** – It’s not personal preference! I’d have no choice!

**Gollum** – We goes down, going around will lose the trail. Again

Boromir – Ugh... Do we have rope at least?

Sméagol – We carries nothing, no pockets. Sorry Remy.

Boromir – Oh boll... Remy? *Sméagol smiles and nods happily* Ummm okay, whatever. Don’t see any vines nearby either... No walkways... Of course not..... Awesome

Sméagol – Sorry Remy, we must climb

Boromir – Okay, think like a spider right?

Sméagol – Yeah! Or a frogs. They has sticky feets sometimes!

Gollum – And can be tasty, but not as good as fish

Boromir- *weakly* you don’t say...

Sméagol – Yes I does

 

_As Boromir prepares to climb down he is thinking “Okay I can do this, I can DO this! Gods this is high! If I die I’ll frigging haunt Aragorn! Bloody stupid man, king my ass!!” He climbs down slowly with Sméagol beside him encouraging him and does well until they get to a part without any handholds and curves steeply outwards_

**Boromir** – What now? We’re stuck!

**Gollum** – Now we falls and aims for the rock crop there. It’s easy

**Boromir** – What’s so bloody easy about it?

**Sméagol** – Watch us Remy! _*Sméagol lets go and slides down the rock face and neatly grabs the rocks and gently comes to a stop*_ Now you!

**Boromir** – I can’t do that!

**Gollum** – You’re a very negative person

**Sméagol** – Shut it! You will be fine Remy! Stop bullying it!

**Gollum** – No we enjoys it!

**Sméagol** – Tough! We likes him

_Boromir fed up of this argument decides to let go and slides down and... Misses the rocks and slides down into the blackness below_

**Gollum** – Think we killed it

**Sméagol** – No! Remy! He was our best friend!

**Gollum** – Not mine

**Sméagol** – We must save him! No arguments!

 

_They climb down and discover Boromir had fallen, got caught by his belt on a tree branch then dropped heavily onto a passing patrol of Orcs, killing them and stunning himself_

**Sméagol** – Remy! Talk to me! Why is there orcses? Oh no he’s dead! I blames us for this!

**Gollum** – Why

**Sméagol** – Gave him bad advice. Bad Gollum

**Gollum** – It’s very sad. Let’s go get the precious

**Sméagol** – But... Remy!

**Gollum** – Dead. Let’s go! He wouldn’t want us to mourn him

**Sméagol** – Really? Fine but I wants to leave something to show our friendship

 

_They leave with half a heavy heart leaving Boromir behind unconscious and dreaming of going over the falls again *Unknowingly sharing the dream with his brother Faramir, a gift they had always shared* He wakes up hours later to find himself alone with the slain Orcs and a foot high message carved into the wall beside him “Here Leis Remy, my best friend. Gollum killed him with bad advice. Love always, Smegol”_

**Boromir** – What the? Actually that’s quite impressive... This could work in my favour,  Knew I’d be better off without them. Him! Goddamn I hung out with him too long! Ugh my whole body aches but come on Boromir, Frodo and Same needs you!

_He gingerly gets up and limps off muttering “There had better not be anymore climbing from here on out! And I had better get some recognition for all this crap, I’ll bet Aragorn isn’t slogging around falling down cliffs and travelling with weirdo’s”_

**Narrator** \- He bravely heads off towards his destiny, luckily unaware of what was ahead

**Boromir** – Wait what? Oh shi....


	33. Little Hobbits Lost

_Frodo and Sam are travelling Emyn Muil, slowly crossing the barrier of Ravines ahead. They had both seen dark figures following them of late, one of which there were fairly sure was Gollum. They were just discussing is they should confront them and where interrupted with a loud thud followed by a_ _reedy voice calling “Miry!” and decided quickly they were better off not getting involved and left_

**Sam** – Mr Frodo? What was that?

**Frodo** – No idea... Must have been from another part of the story, just ignore it. Oh Sam!

**Sam** – What? I wasn’t even touching you that time!

**Frodo** – What? No look there _*Frodo points to a large ravine crossing their path*_ How are we going to cross this?

**Sam** – Interestingly I’ll bet... Nothing’s been easy so far

 

_They debate the best way to cross it during lunch with Sam loudly lamenting the unfairness of it all_

**Frodo** – It would be easier if we had rope _*looks meaningfully at Sam*_ Sam?

**Sam** – What? I don’t have any...

**Frodo** – Your supposed to? Oh well, we will try without it then

**Sam** – I had better go first, Put the one most likely to fall lowest as Gaffer says

**Frodo** – No Sam, I must...

**Sam** – Mr Frodo I’m going to stop you there, I have the perfect way to resolve this. _*Sam pulls out a copy of the Lord Of The Rings Two Tower* and reads aloud*_ It says here... Blah, blah, oh Mr Frodo you do go down first! And I do have a rope apparently

**Frodo** – Of course you do, we picked it up earlier but that’s beside the point! What is that you’re holding?

**Sam** – It’s a book Mr Frodo

**Frodo** – Two problems with this, 1. You can’t read very well and 2. That book tells the future, so where did you get it from?

**Sam** – The lady gave it to me... _*Frodo stares at him*_ What?

**Frodo** – You stole it didn’t you

**Sam** – No!... Maybe a little bit...

**Frodo** \- _*Sighs*_ Well we can’t return it now... Goddamn it Sam!

 

_Frodo begins to climb down until he reaches a part that is sloping inwards with no handholds. As he begins to climb up he is caught by a gust of wind and is shunned against the wall. Sam quickly gets the rope and lets it down to Frodo who is pulled up. After a few minutes he feels better and tries again. This time he gets down successfully and Sam soon follows_

**Sam** – Okay I’ll get the rope now... It’s stuck?

**Frodo** – Yeah... It’s tied to a stump?

**Sam** – So how do we get it down? We can’t just leave it here; it’s like a big sign that tells you where we went

**Frodo** – I know but we can’t do anything about it unless you want to climb up there and untie it before climbing down again

**Sam** – I don’t like this... _*takes the rope in his hand*_ the lady gave me this

_Sam solemnly pulled on the rope and stared in amazement as it came loose and fell at his feet in a neat pile. After staring for a few seconds – During which they heard a faint “Damn it!” – Frodo begins to laugh_

**Frodo** – To think I trusted my weight to your knot!

**Sam** – It wasn’t the knot, I tied it properly! It must be that the elves have invented self returning ropes

**Frodo** – Whatever, Come on I want to make camp shortly

**Sam** – Wait for me Mr Frodo! _*he grabs the rope and follows*_

 

_They travelled until they reached an overhang and sat there wearily eating_

**Sam** – Mr Frodo?

**Frodo** – Yes Sam?

**Sam** – I hope we’ve lost that sneaker. I can’t see how he’d manage to climb down there though but you never can tell with some folk

**Frodo** – Hush Sam, No need t let everyone know where we are. We were already talking too loud earlier

**Sam** – Sorry Mr Frodo, I’ll take first watch.

 

_It was a couple of days since the climb and Frodo was asleep while Sam, on watch was bored. He hears faint sounds from above and hastily wakes Frodo. They had already created a plan the day before and they silently got into position and waited_

 

* * *

 

_Gollum slowly climbs down the cliff head first, a spider like shadow. He seemed to feel uneasy as he stops and sniffs the air before continuing. He comes to a difficult part and tries to turn around but falls. As he hits the ground he curls up like a spider and Sam was on him in a flash. As they fought Sam is nearly overpowered until Frodo steps in and threatened Gollum with Sting which causes him to go limp and cry weakly_

 

**Sam** – Thanks Mr Frodo

**Frodo** – Not a problem, it was nice to help out for a change and actually use my sword!

**Sam** – Yeah, what is this the third time you used it?

**Frodo** – Fourth but who’s counting?

They turn and watch Gollum intently

**Sam** – So what do we do with him?

**Frodo** – I don’t know... _*recalls his conversation with Gandalf about Gollum*_ Now I see him I do pity him...

**Sam** – What? I don’t. If we leave him he’ll just follow us after all

**Frodo** – I can’t kill him Sam. Nor can you

**Gollum** – No! Don’t kill us, we be good _*weeps*_

**Frodo** – You know or suspect where we are heading?

**Sméagol** – Yes

**Frodo** – You’ve been there before, Can you guide us?

**Gollum –** Yes. No! Why it goes there?

**Sméagol** – Don’t be rude!

**Frodo** – I wasn’t rude

**Sméagol –** Not talking to you, nu uh!

**Frodo –** Uh whatever, you know what I carry and where I’m going. You’d follow me anyway so is there any way I can trust your word? Well Sméagol?

**Sméagol** – Sméagol? Yes we knows that name... then we will swear on the precious

**Gollum** – No!

**Sméagol** – Yes! We will swear on the Precious to serve the master! To be good for master

_Frodo stiffened and spoke angrily_

**Frodo** – You dare? The ring will keep you to your word and punish you if you lie

_Gollum and Sam stare in amazement as they had confused Frodo’s kindness with foolishness and Gollum cringes_

**Sméagol** – _*Weakly*_ On the precious, we must on the precious

**Frodo** – Very well you can swear by it. But know if you lie I will say to the precious make the fish bones stick in his throat and chokes him, make him have no more tasty fishes

 

_Sméagol promises and flinches as Frodo draws Sting and cuts three pieces of the rope. Gollum takes off but doesn’t get far as Sméagol prevails and returns to lead them, much to Sam’s annoyance. He leads them through the maze until dawn when he refused to move. They rested all day under a overhang taking turns to sleep until night. Sméagol had slept solidly though out the day and awoke sniffing the air_

**Sméagol** – Are we rested? Are we ready?

**Sam** – No and no, not being nocturnal but move on we shall

**Sméagol** – _*looks blank*_ We not gets it?

**Sam** – I... We... Oh never mind, shall we go Mr Frodo?

**Frodo** – As you say Sam

_They reach the marshes where Frodo and Sam were so overjoyed to be out of Emyn Muil they hugged each other with Sméagol watching curiously, and when Sam threatened to hug Sméagol he quickly ran away and refused to join them for a while, leading them from a few steps ahead. They travelled it carefully sticking to hidden paths and when the dawn approached they again looked for shelter to pass the day, muddy and bone weary they were soon asleep. Sam awoke hours later to see Sméagol crouched by Frodo looking around nervously so Sam lay still. Sméagol reached out slowly and gently touched Frodo reverently, for a moment he appeared to Sam to be an ancient hobbit lost in the world. The touch made Frodo stir and mutter a soft cry which caused Sméagol to jump backwards. Sam made a show of waking up and woke up Frodo while getting breakfast of Lembas bread. They offered it to Sméagol who sniffed it and sadly said he couldn’t eat it – which made Sam enjoy it that much more. Halfway across Sam noticed lights and questioned Sméagol who told them that they travelling the site of the Last Alliance Battle and the lights were the souls of the dead. Frodo jumps and tells them that he can see faces in the water and Sméagol warns them to be careful when the lights were lit_

_Frodo began to lag behind so much that Sam had to beg Sméagol to stop and wait for him, and was greatly relieved when he allowed a short stop. As they were resting there was a terrible cry and they crouched in fear, Sméagol lay on the ground facedown and the hobbits huddled together trembling as something flew over them quickly disappearing into the distance. Sméagol was so shaken he refused to move and it was only the treat of the dawn that persuaded him to find cover_

_They hurried and were in sight of the marshes edge when they stopped. Exhausted they lay down only just remembering to guard themselves while Sméagol huddled close to them for the first time. They rested nervously praying they went unnoticed and flinching at every shadow, eventually they fell asleep and the day gently passed. So deep was their sleep they barely flinched when the shadow passed over then again_


	34. Boromir against the World part 1

_Boromir wearily leans against a wall having tracked Frodo and Sam all day. He shifted, uncomfortable in the orc armour that he had taken for a disguise, although he may have been better off removing his own armour fist – He sat down and quickly fell asleep to be woken up a couple of hours later by voices “Damn Sneak, wait up will you!?!” “Don’t bully him Sam” “Yes Sam Hobbit don’t bully us”_

**Boromir** – Wait.. I know those voices! I’d recognise that annoying way of speaking anywhere!

_He leaps up and runs forward straight into an Orc patrol!_

**Boromir** – Balls!

 

**Orc** **1** – Who goes there?

**Boromir** – Uh you mean me? Oh of course you do I am Bo...reemy of nowhere in particular. _*grins_ *

**Orc** **1** \- Gods damned newbie. Who are you, what are you doing here

**Boromir** – I’m uh Boreemy and I really have no idea why I’m here anymore. Bad luck I guess

**Orc1** – Boreemy eh? What’s up with your face...? Must be a damned Pit Boy; stupid recruitment drives... Well they should have at least told you to answer with your patrol ID. Where is your patrol?

**Boromir** – Um dead. Sir

**Oc1** – Did you say dead? How?

**Boromir** – Yes sir, some little sneaky bastard fell off a cliff onto us and killed them. Luckily I was walking a little behind and he missed me, then he ran off so I was looking for him until I bumped into you

**Orc1** – By the dark Lord! Thank your lucky stars we found you. Fall in and we’ll get you reassigned

**Boromir** – Umm Thanks but I was told to wait here. Orders you see...

**Orc1** – Wait here? _*pointedly looks around the empty landscape*_ Alone? Can’t be done. Now fall in

**Boromir** – It was my orders sir, I think he meant it as stay here until help comes but was unable to complete the sentence seeing as he died

**Orc1** – Ugh pointless... I’m not hanging around all day arguing with a Pit Boy! _*points to an orc*_ you! Wait here with him while I go get this looked into. We will be a day at the most so make sure you have supplies

 

_They leave without a backward glance and Boromir glances sideways, this Orc was big and very tough looking, tough as nails_

**Orc** – Ugh this armour is so heavy! I’m going to sit down

_Tough as nails made of glass “I can take him” Boromir thought_

**Orc** – Come sit down and we can talk, get to know each other better

**Boromir** – Are you really an Orc?

**Orc** – Well I’m Maúr, female half breed. I’m stronger than most but I’ll never be accepted

**Boromir** \- * _realises this was a pretty good cover*_ me too! Well except being a female of course...

**Maúr** – Thought so coz it explains your unusual good looks, most Orcs are ugly as we are bred for war. Thought you said you were a Pit Boy? Gosh someone like you doing that job! _*realises what she said and blushes*_ Sorry I didn’t mean that in bad way

**Boromir** – Uh, thanks. I just got all the shi... rubbish jobs really lots of guarding, carrying stuff etc

**Maúr** – Oh tell me about it! You’d think I’d be prancing around riding horses and brushing my hair like a human they way I get treated!

**Boromir** \- _*Shudders at that mental image*_ Yeah... So umm... What to talk about...

What do you think about humans? _*looks around thinking how the hell do I get out of this one?*_

**Maúr** – None of them seem to be worthwhile

**Boromir** – Well now I heard of one human, I think he was called Boromir of Gondor – He’s said to be very handsome, fantastic physique and wages war like a god! Uh so I hear...

**Maúr** – Didn’t we kill him?

**Boromir** – No you... We most certainly did not! He can’t die – supposedly and will save the day and be a hero who gets all the ladies _*nods happily then frowns*_

**Maúr** – He sounds... unlucky

**Boromir** – Tell me about it!

 

_There was silence while they looked around uneasily_

**Boromir** – So... How you doing?

**Maúr** – Umm okay I guess, it’s just I don’t meet many orcs I can actually talk to. Most judge me for my human mother

**Boromir** – No! Wait don’t those dammed dirty Uruk-Hai have human in them?

**Maúr** – Let’s just say a human male was... encouraged to “donate” and this was mixed into orc... stuff

**Boromir** – Eww gross! That’s just plain disgusting and yet another reason to hate them in my books! **Maúr** – Hell yes it is! At least I was the product of experiments

**Boromir** – I see. Did you get pushed around a lot?

**Maúr** – I guess, you?

**Boromir** – Well lately there was this one guy who threw his weight around, always went on and on about being kin... in charge and bosses me around, got me shot, shot I tell you and then kicked me off of a waterfall!

**Maúr** – No!

**Boromir** – Oh yes! A damn waterfall! And when I told him he wasn’t my king he said “yet” and hit me. Hard right in the face

**Maúr** – I didn’t even know there was a waterfall anywhere near here!

**Boromir –** We were scouting in Gondor

**Maúr** – Ah I see, sounds like a right bastard

**Boromir** – I know! So I left and here I am

**Maúr** – Bloody orcs always picking on us, what gives them the right to? It’s not our fault how we were made

**Boromir** – It’s okay, I’ll wait and bide my time and one day we will show them! They will fall at my feet and tremble at my fury! The uh, half breeds will triumph!

**Maúr** – You... you think so?

**Boromir** – Of course

**Maúr** – You’re so brave! We will never be allowed to though. I’ll just be stuck in a go nowhere job with no friends ‘til I die a virgin, it’s all the half breed has to look forward to!

_Maúr begins to cry and clings to Boromir who wonders what being a virgin has to do with anything_

**Boromir** – No! We can change our fate! We must believe! _*Thinks “Hang on, I’m human! What the hell am I doing? Oh gods is stupid catching?*_

 

_At this point there is a chill in the air and the sound of wings. A Ringwraith jumps down and lands dramatically in front of them_

**Ringwraith** – What’s going on? You’re supposed to be patrolling not necking

**Boromir** – How dare you! WE were just discussing the emotional effect the harsh treatment of us halfbreeds and that’s all

**Ringwraith** – Whatever gets you going I guess. And hey at least you can, technically I’m a ghost so I can’t even beat the...

**Boromir** – There’s a lady here! She’s going through an emotional time and...

**Ringwraith** – Hey I just told you that I can’t masturbate so shut it up and patrol! I don’t sit around complaining about my issues...

**Maúr** – Of course not! You guys get all the best missions and we get stuck here patrolling an empty place and feeding Sauron!

**Ringwraith** – Of course, it’s what you do best, deal with it

**Maúr** – Hey don’t devalue me! I am a hardworking intelligent being stuck in a menial job and talking to a fellow sufferer and you come interrupt and insult us! Well _(Next part is too rude to repeat)_

 

_Boromir rubs his head and thinks “come on Boromir think! What would Aragorn do? No wait he’d be useless... What would... What would Frodo do? He always seemed to stop these stupid arguments in camp... Got it!”_

**Boromir** – _*Loudly*_ Okay time out you two. Now hurtful things were said which neither meant, you Ringwraith... What’s your name?

**Ringwraith** – Call me Bill

**Boromir** – Bill... Okaaay Bill apologise to the lady

**Bill** – Lady?

**Boromir** – Bill, come on man

**Bill** – Okay I’m sorry

**Maúr** – I’m sorry I called you a...

**Boromir** – Do not repeat it! Once is enough

**Maúr** – Okay if you insist

**Boromir** – I really do, shake hands and lets all be friends... Shake... No not stab! Gods like this _*forces them to shake*_

**Bill** – I feel repulsed

**Boromir** – That’s normal in this situation, it’ll pass

**Maúr** – What now?

**Boromir** – Why don’t you two have a nice long chat and I’ll go guard over there. Yes have a nice long chat... I might even take a short stroll... Uh Patrol around that corner

**Bill** – Nah I gotta go, my mission and all that

**Boromir** – Take her! It’s the perfect way to prove you’ve changed!

**Maúr** – Are you sure? My orders were...

**Boromir** – I’m sure! Very sure. I’ll see you later. Now you better go! Please go...

_Maúr leans in and kisses his cheek before they both leave_

**Boromir** – God damn am I unlucky or what... Hope this swamp is less uncomfortable than that whole charade... I’ll be happy to never see those two again. And Frodo man, I never knew how hard you had to work at being nice...


	35. Saruman’s contact attempts

_Saruman paces the tower shooting glares at Grima who sat by the fireplace leaning forward_

**Saruman** – What do I do now Grima? Tell me your genius plan since it was you who threw away my palantir

**Grima** – I said I’m sorry! I tripped and dropped it! What more do you want?!?

**Saruman** – Well how about a way to prove I’m not a traitor!

**Grima** – No need to shout; how about writing a letter?

**Saruman** – and send it how?

**Grima** – Magic?

**Saruman** – Magic? It doesn’t work like that! We use magic to fight not to deliver the bloody post!

**Grima** – You asked for ideas

**Saruman** – Not useless ones. _*Sighs*_ I guess your stupid letter idea could work... If I applied my genius to it perhaps... Oh wait what is the date?

**Grima** – Not sure, why?

**Saruman** – Oh I said I’d send you with a report on progress

**Grima** – What, Why me?

**Saruman** \- _*Shrugged*_ He asked for you

**Grima** – To deliver  your report...

**Saruman** – Oh no that was my idea. He just wanted a date but I said no

**Grima** – Oh thank the gods

**Saruman** – Then he offered me gold, you’re worth 2000 gold pieces you know. So then I came up with my report idea and you being our go between

**Grima** \- _*goes pale*_ you... I don’t wanna date a male eyeball!!

**Saruman** – Well it’s an order so...

**Grima** – You can _*bleeped out*_ your order!

**Saruman** \- _*menacingly*_ Now I understand you’re upset however if you ever say that again, or talk over me I’ll chuck you off the roof of my tower! This is my damn house!

**Grima** – Sorry... I just panicked

**Saruman** – My point is that he’d send a Ringwraiths for you. He’s classy like that

**Grima** – Well good for him, I’m still not going to date a flaming eyeball!!!

**Saruman** – Oh really! It’s not a date, it’s simply a face to face to prove we are still loyal to the cause

**Grima** – But we aren’t

**Saruman** – Well he doesn’t exactly know that does he! Geez I’m gonna write this letter for you to deliver, get ready to go. Oh and make sure you look nice for the gods sake!

**Grima** – Oi you said it wasn’t a date!

 

_The rest of the day was spent in sullen anticipation (and for Saruman a dictionary) When night fell the Ringwraiths landed on the tower. He was greeted and lead into the receiving room – which gave him the giggles and mutter “Huh so he does have game... who knew?”_

**Saruman** – Welcome. I apologise for the mess, lots of servants died in the battle

**Ringwraith** – Wow what happened here?

**Saruman** – Short answer we attacked Rohan, lost, Ents attacked here and destroyed my home and the Palantir was stolen. All in all not a good few weeks

**Ringwraith** –You had an army of 10,000 right?

**Saruman** – Yes... but they had 50ish Ents and a forest of Huron’s to help them

**Ringwraith** – That’s what I call a fuckall week. Let’s go do this report coz frankly you disgust me

**Saruman** – Ah, my assistant will accompany you

**Ringwraith** – Whatever, let’s go woman no time to waste

_As he strode off Grima followed after mouthing to Saruman “Gods I hate you”_

* * *

_Grima is waiting in a room while someone fetched Sauron. He nervously shuffled his feet and looked around, spotting a normal looking person walking towards him_

**Frank** – Ah Grima of Isenguard? Welcome I’m Frank Sauron’s PA, follow me please. Is there anything I can get for you? No? Okay well there is water and nibbles on the meeting room, Sauron always insists on that

_Grima laughs nervously and looks around in desperation for an escape route – This was too weird even for Middle Earth! The next thing he knew he was sitting in a chair while this Frank went to “fetch the big guy himself”. And looking around nervously. The door is flung open making Grima jump and Sauron floats in with Frank behind and they take a seat – Sauron levitating over a chair anyhow – and Frank pulls out a notebook and pen_

**Sauron** – So hi, I’m Sauron destroyer of all and future ruler of Middle Earth, and you are?

**Grima** – I’m Grima of, I guess Isenguard... Saruman’s PA

**Sauron** – Right, yes okay. Nice dress

**Grima** – Thanks I think? Saruman insisted I wear it

**Sauron** – Good man, so what’s the news?

**Grima** – Uh well it’s all in this letter here...

**Sauron** – As you can see I have no hands, you’ll have to read it to me

**Grima** – Oh, of course... Sorry. Umm so this is from Saruman of course and it reads

**_Dear Sauron,_ **

**_I hope this epistle finds you well and that your plans are on track and running smoothly._ **

**_My plans are not going quite to plan – I hope you recall my recent attempts to obtain funding for Ent protection that was rejected? Well due in part to this my house was attacked by Ents and them not being content with causing massive property damage they then went on to attack my troops! Thus my army decimated and Rohan is still currently not under our control. Apologies for that but I was a bit distracted with my home falling to enemy advance and all._ **

**_Oh and Gandalf the Grey – You may recall him as my former BFF - is alive and now styling himself as Gandalf The White – so unoriginal!! He has stolen my palantir – Ask Grima how THIS occurred – So all I can do is apologise for not updating you personally but I have rather a lot of angry letter writing to do, and I am in the middle of a search for a decent builder_ **

**_Looking forward to hearing from you,_ **

**_Saruman the White_ **

****

**_P.S As Grima has proven to be a fool please send detailed written instructions as he will probably just forget them on the way back_ **

 

**Sauron** – Okay... So what does all that mean in the common tongue?

**Grima** –Uh, it means that the army is dead and Isenguard is currently under 4 feet of water and guarded by Ents. And someone called Gandalf is alive and somehow more powerful than ever and has the palantir...

**Sauron** –I see. Care to tell me why he has it?

**Grima** – I maybe tripped and dropped it out of the tower and he took it with him. Or maybe I threw it trying to crush his head, I can’t really recall

_There is silence as Sauron and Frank process this_

**Grima** – So I’ll just wait for your reply _? *weakly*_ can’t wait

 

_Saruman was pacing in the hall when Grima returned and he quickly grabbed him and pulled him into the office_

**Saruman** – Grima well done for accomplishing your task!

**Grima** – Yes for a fool I did well...

**Saruman** – Ah you read that... Well never mind my friend what did they say? Do we have instructions?

**Grima** – You won’t like them...

**Saruman** – Indeed? Well tell me anyway

_Grima handed Saruman a note and backed away_

_Saruman reads aloud_

**_Dear Saruman,_ **

**_Thanks for all your hard work, but you have failed at every task so I have to let you go._ **

**_It’s been fun, Keep in Touch_ **

**_Sauron_ **

 

**Saruman** – Well that seems a little harsh...

**Grima** – So what’ll we do now?

**Saruman** – Well for starters you can shut up


	36. Boromir against the world part 2

_Boromir finally struggles to solid ground after spending 2 days attempting to cross Emyn Muil. He lay on the ground sighing heavily then noticed a faint thrum of feet and was quickly surrounded_

**Orc1** – What the hell? Boreemy? What in Middle Earth have you been doing?

**Boromir** – Oh thank the gods! I’m glad you found me sir!

**Orc1** – Do I want to know what happened? Where’s the other one?

**Boromir** – Oh Maúr got conscripted by a Ringwraith 2 days back and I was left alone, I didn’t mind that but on my way back I got turned around and ended up in the marsh of all places

**Orc1** – You got lost? Just follow the damn road!

**Boromir** – I thought I was! Then it got all dark and suddenly it was very muddy, with these weird lights and dead people and all and before I knew it I was in the marsh. It was horrible

**Orc1** – Yes, yes calm down. Fall in and we will make sure you don’t get lost

**Boromir** – Yes sir! Got to admit I was almost getting lonely there...

**Orc1** – What are you a human? Get in line maggot!

 

_They march off and Boromir congratulates himself on finally getting into a position where he could help Frodo and Sam and thoughts of how he could save the day filled in the time until they reached the black gate. Boromir was surprised to see a small stand next to the gates with... customs on it? The black gates themselves were massive dominating the landscape_

**Boromir** – Holy hell, how was I supposed to sneak into there? _*notices the patrol staring at him*_ Is what any human trying to spy on us would say...If they were foolish enough to try it. Which they aren’t

**Orc1** – Whatever let’s just get inside. Boreemy that includes you so get moving

**Boromir** – Sorry I was just enjoying the intimidating view

**Orc1** – Move your ass Boreemy, I won’t tell you again

**Boromir** – Yes, moving now _*sighs*_

_They walk through the gate and Boromir looks around gloomily. He had finally reached Mordor and now he needed to break out! Why was everything so complicated anyway!?! He barely registered the guards on the gate motioning something to him and as he turns to look again he walks into a huge cloaked figure_

**Figure** – Going somewhere recruit?

**Boromir** – Ummm... no?

**Figure** – That’s right, now line up over there with the other arrow fodder

**Boromir** – I’m guessing that I have no choice here... So okay

_The figure follows Boromir to the line of recruits and stood before them frowning_

**Figure** – Pathetic... Okay grunts I’ll keep this short. I am the Mouth of Sauron and I now control every aspect of your lives so do as I say when I say it. Understood?

**All** – Yes sir!

**MOS** – You there * _points to Boromir*_

**Boromir** – Um me?

**MOS** – Yes you. You were late so you get 2 days guard duty, get moving

**Boromir** – Okay... So go now? _*gets glared at*_ Well that’s a yes... This taking orders thing is more difficult than I expected...

 

_He joins the guards who was relieved to see a new face, and after questioning him why he smells like a human and threatening to throw him off of the wall if he actually was human not just a half breed they settle into a routine pretty quickly. After a couple of hours Boromir notices a large party headed towards the gate_

**Boromir** – Umm there is folks on the way over here. What do we do?

**Gate guard** – Nothing

**Boromir** – I thought we had to ask them if they were friend or hoe? Or something like that

**Gate Guard** \- _*briefly looks*_ Nah it’s just a ... wait Hoe? As in the garden tool?

**Boromir** – Was that wrong? I’ve not really guarded a gate before...

**Gate** **guard** – I can tell, and it’s FOE by the way. As for the group over there, that my friend is just another tour group. When we conquered their lands part of the demands were that they all have to take the tour and have to personally swear allegiance to Sauron or they all died.

**Boromir** – Uh is that usual?

**Gate Guard** – Don’t ask me. I just stand here all day _*bell rings*_ okay lads get her open!

**Boromir** – Well this has been interesting, anyone mind if I quickly nip out for my break? The shifts nearly over anyhow...

**Gate** **Guard** – Just this once...

**Boromir** – Thanks, next time it’ll be your turn

_As he walks off the guard remarks “Huh what a nice guy”_

 

* * *

 

_Boromir makes his way to the customs stand and makes friends with the guard there who oddly kept asking to be referred to as “the gatekeeper” and would not answer to anything else. He spots three_

_shadows lurking just down the road and decides to go see if it is Frodo but is sent to make the tea instead. When he returns the shadows have disappeared and the gatekeeper was taking a nap. After several attempts to wake him up Boromir was almost convinced he had died and was looking around for help when a patrol returned_

**Orc1** – Hello? Anyone there?

**Boromir** – Umm I’m here, hello

**Orc1** – Bloody hell Boreemy you don’t half get around! Where’s the usual guy?

**Boromir** – Well he’s either asleep or dead...

**Orc1** – Typical, well there’s a large tour group coming up the road so you had better wake him up or you’d have to deal with it. So let us in by ringing the bell there

**Boromir** \- _*rings bell*_ Deal with it how?

**Orc1** – No idea. See you around Boreemy. Forward march troops

**Boromir** – Well you were no help.

 

_Boromir stared at the large group of people in front of him_

**Man** – We are here for tour.

**Boromir** – Okay great... Do you have a name or something for reference?

**Man** – Says on paper 20001QFSAURULES11140

**Boromir** – Right... Ah here it is! Bear with me I’m new here...

**Man** – Okay

_Boromir works out the forms to sign etc then rings the bell letting the group in and slumps in the chair_

**Boromir** – Oh god I hate it here! This really is hell! Can things get any worse?

 

_After dealing with 3 more tour groups and countless attempts to revive the gatekeeper Boromir was exhausted and fed up of trying. He had just finished kicking him in a last ditch attempt to wake him up when he heard a laugh and turned to see Maúr stood there watching him_

**Boromir** – Oh hey, welcome back! Do you know how to wake this asshole up?

**Maúr** – Yeah let me try. _*Loudly*_ Oh looks like the Mouth of Sauron is coming this way

_This caused the gatekeeper to jump to alertness and look busy_

**Maúr** – You should stop making other people do your work or I’ll report you. Boreemy we had better go now, he gets grumpy when woken up

**Gatekeeper** – Oh sorry I’m sure.

**Maúr** – See what I mean? Let’s go get food

**Gatekeeper** – Hey! Who tidied up here? I can actually find stuff now! How rude!

_Boromir turns around and went to slap him around the head but was pulled away by Maúr_

**Maúr** – Food first, violence on slackers later

**Boromir** – Good idea, I knew there was a reason I liked you!

**Maúr** – _*blushes faintly then grins hugely*_ Thanks, follow me

_As they walk off Boromir reflected that as annoying as his day had been he had got through it. And it was far less annoying that all that “I’m the true king of Gondor” stuff Aragorn was always sprouting. All in all things could only get better from here!_

 

**Narrator** – Wanna bet?

**Boromir** – Shut it!

**Maúr** – Wha... Who said that?

**Boromir** – Ignore it, maybe it will go away

**Narrator** – Oh I’m going to enjoy what happens to you next

**Boromir** – I’m not listening... So not listening

**Narrator** – Well have I been wrong yet?

**Boromir** \- ... Damn it


	37. The Black Gate

_Sam Frodo and Sméagol finally reached the black gate and rested in a pit during the day. They took it in turns to watch as troops march up to the gate and are let in_

**Frodo** – How are they doing it Sam? How to get in?

**Sam** – I dunno Mr Frodo, they look awful strange folk

**Sméagol** – They be from the south where the yellow face burns all day, nasty yellow face! They has strange animals too we hears

**Sam** – What like an Oliphaunt?

**Sméagol** – What be that?

**Sam** – It’s from a poem, **_Grey as a mouse_**

**_Big as a house_ **

**_Nose like a snake_ **

**_I make the earth shake_ **

**_As I tramp through the grass_ **

**_Trees crack as I pass_ **

**_With horns in my mouth_ **

**_I walk in the South_ **

**_Flapping big ears_ **

**_Beyond count of years_ **

**_I stump round and round_ **

**_Never lie on the ground_ **

**_Not even to die_ **

**_Oliphaunt am I_ **

**_Biggest of all_ **

**_Huge, old, and tall_ **

**_If ever you'd met me_ **

**_You wouldn't forget me_ **

**_If you never do_ **

**_You won't think I'm true_ **

**_But old Oliphaunt am I_ **

**_And I never lie_ **

**Sméagol** \- _*Sighs heavily*_ that was long.

**Sam** – Yeah, yeah. What do you think?

**Sméagol** – We thinks we never wants to see one. Ever

 

_They fall asleep in the weak sunlight and suddenly Sam and Frodo wake up. After a brief discussion they decide to try to sneak in through the gate that night as they had not seen another way into Mordor. Sam also asks if they can just abandon Sméagol with a note asking whoever finds him to look after him but Frodo disagrees and they decide to tell him in person. They take it in turns to nap during the day and as they are getting ready to go Sméagol woke up_

**Sméagol** – Hobbitses awakes? Good we sneaks in now!

**Sam** – We? You’re planning to join us? Seriously?

**Sméagol** – Yes, Master may need me

**Frodo** – Sméagol, our deal was to the gate only, you do not have to join us further. It’s just too dangerous to ask you to do this

**Sméagol** – Master not wanting us to come too? Sméagol loses his only friends so soon!! Poor, poor Sméagol! _*Tears up*_

**Sam** – Mr Frodo! You can’t…

**Frodo** – Believe we’d leave you behind. It was just a joke, silly master was making a silly joke

**Sméagol** – Oh good! We was worried

_Sméagol happily heads off while Sam stands and stares unhappily at Frodo_

**Frodo** – Well what could I do Sam? You saw him

**Sam** – Traitor

**Sméagol** – Come on Hobbitses, we goes now

 

* * *

_Sméagol leads the hobbits to the gate were they stand and stare in amazement/horror. The gate was set in a 60 foot high wall with heavily fortified watchtowers one of which had a sign directing anyone who wishes to enter to go to the customs desk_

**Sam** – Uh Mr Frodo? What on middle earth is a customs desk?

**Frodo** – I guess we are about to find out Sam, wait why is the ground shaking?

_A large party is headed towards them so the hobbits and Sméagol hide quickly until the danger has past_

**Smegol** – Master should we have tried to hide in the middle of that group?

**Frodo** –No! Wouldn’t have worked. Probably

**Sam** – Either way what now? Those gates aren’t going to open for a while

**Frodo** – Yeah… Let’s try this customs thing

**Sam** – Wouldn’t be the craziest thing we have done Mr Frodo

 

_The follow the signs and as the approach the gate they see a small booth to one side. With a glance at his companions Frodo leads them forward, heart pounding and throat dry he reaches out and pulls the bell labelled “service” then flinched. Nothing happened so he rang again. Sam looks inside and realises that the ringer had been removed and sighed heavily_

**Sam** – _*loudly*_ Hello? Anyone about?

**Frodo** – Maybe they are trying to fix the bell?

 

_Suddenly an unseen door creaks open and the air became icy cold. The hair on the back of their neck rises as a shadow figure rises up before them, which turns out to be an ancient and mostly blind goblin_

 

**Gatekeeper** – Sorry about that, I was just having my pre-lunch nap.

**Sam** – Why is it so cold? And is that a goblin? A goblin gatekeeper really?? How original

**Gatekeeper** – Oh management thinks it’ll keep me awake, but I showed them! Unproductive I was called, so unproductive I shall be… Did you say something?

**Sam** – Me? No, no not at all sir. _*Mutters*_ Why do we only meet crazy people?

**Gatekeeper** – What? What do you want anyhow?

**Frodo** – Please sir we wish to enter

**Gatekeeper** – Well that’s a problem. The tours are all pre-booked you see and usually consist of much bigger numbers than you two

**Smegol** – Three

**Gatekeeper** – Eh look at that! Never saw you there that’s a good trick!

**Smegol** – Tricks? We does no tricks

**Frodo** – Err excuse me but what tours?

**Gatekeeper** – It’s the managements fancy idea, bring all the family to Mordor and do what we say or we will kill you kinda thing. Brings the gold in I guess but it’s a bugger for me

**Frodo** – Indeed. Um so we can’t go in?

**Gatekeeper** – Sorry we are all booked up, I can let you in next spring with a pre-booking discount?

**Sam** – Mr Frodo may I? _*clears throat and motioned the gatekeeper closer*_ Look mate usually I wouldn’t ask this but is there any chance we could be let in today? *points to Sméagol* It’s his birthday today and all he wanted was the chance to look at the Dark Lords operation, tour the volcano where it all began etc. and see where the great man build his empire in person.

**Gatekeeper** – It is an exciting time to be involved in…

**Sam** – Oh I know! He’s so into that! And it helps him forget

**Gatekeeper** – Forget what?

**Sam** – He’s an orphan with “special” needs we just look after him as best we can you know, I mean he is my sister’s, stepson’s, nephew’s, cousins kid, but he’s  family

**Gatekeeper** – Special is it? _*stares intently at Sméagol who nervously backs away*_ I can see that. Well I shouldn’t but I can tack you onto the end of the group that just went in.

**Frodo** – Oh thank you!

**Gatekeeper** – You’re welcome madam. Now onto the rules

**Frodo** – Madam?

**Sam** – _*Loudly*_ Carry on sir

**Gatekeeper** – Uh yeah. Ahem the visitors guide to Mordor rules and guidelines are as follows

  1. No flash photography, 2. Never Touch or feed the orcs, they will bite, 3. Stay both on the path and in your groups at all times, 4. No outside food, 5. No attempts to kill out Lord and Master



This continues for a good 10 minutes and finally do not stick any body parts in the lava, do not throw anything into to lava in fact just stay away from the edge away from the Lava. Understood?

**Sam** – Yeah, is that all of them _*rolls his eyes*_

**Frodo** – Why can’t we wear sandals Sam?

**Sméagol** – Oh precious our head hurts, stupid rules they hurts us!

**Gatekeeper** – And finally the guidelines, health and safety and all that

**Sam** **&** **Frodo** – What?

**Gatekeeper** – Don’t worry it won’t catch on. Ladies and gentlemen whilst on this tour follow your guide at all times, keep your arms and legs away from the orcs and goblins and do  not leave the path for any reason not even to relieve yourself. Do not feed the orcs, look at the orcs or talk to the orcs and please carry your insurance card at all times. Sauron and co do not accept responsibility for any injuries even ones caused on purpose by himself and please folks, have a nice time.

 

**Frodo** – Umm Insurance?

**Gatekeeper** – Yes you need a card to get in, it’s mostly just for ransom purposes and the like

**Frodo** – We don’t have any

**Gatekeeper** – Sorry nothing I can do. Due to the amount of people we enslave we have to cover ourselves and get gold from them

**Sam** – Enslaved for what?

**Gatekeeper** – All sorts, some broke the rules, others for trying to slay things, a few for littering and the like but most of them for looking at Sauron funny or trying to overthrow him. You see his body has started to grow back and he is currently at the toddler stage which is not very intimidating

_Sam has to bite back a smile while Frodo glances at him causing the gatekeeper to eye them suspiciously_

**Sméagol** – We be on our very bestest behaviour, the master commanded us to be. So we follows precious, nice master looks after us, yes precious nice master…

**Gatekeeper** – Well no insurance, not allowed in. Sorry folks.

_The gatekeeper walks through the door and Sam and Frodo are left staring at Sméagol_

**Sméagol** – What?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies, this was a bit long


	38. Ithilien

_With a heavy sigh they slowly walk off after being denied access_

**Sam** – Oh great what now? Well done Sméagol for creeping a goblin out

**Sméagol** – We was being nice! Poor Sméagol gets the blame for everything…

**Frodo** – Enough bickering, we need to decide what to do

**Sméagol** – That’s easy master! There is another way, a more secret way, a dangerous way

**Sam** – And you didn’t think to mention this before now?

**Sméagol** – No one asked us! We were not told master plans

Frodo - that’s true Sam, we did keep it secret

**Sméagol** – Master will follow us?

There was a moments silence then

**Frodo** – We will follow this secret path

**Sam** – Aww Mr Frodo! Do we have to?

**Frodo** – Enough Sam, we have to try at least. Let us go before something else silly happens

 

_As they start to walk away Sméagol tries to trip up Sam but they get distracted when they heard a loud smash and see orcs running to the gate so they hide behind a boulder._

**Sam** – What they heck was that? I think we need to get out of here Mr Frodo

**Frodo** – Yes, we need to follow Sméagol’s idea

**Sam** – Damn it…

**Sméagol** – we has a new plan, leave the Sam hobbit behind as orc bait since we be good friends with the master and “special” we not need him now.

**Sam** – Ah… Didn’t think you knew what I meant… Sorry

**Frodo** – Sam, look more strange people

**Sméagol** – Yes they be from the south or east, who cares where the yellow face burns all day, They has strange animals too … No poems!!

**Sam** – No talking, special people need their rest

 

_They travel along the road hurriedly and were pleasantly surprised when the terrain gradually became less desert and more green. Sméagol said he thought it was ith something or other and Frodo informs them it was Ithilien. It was a peaceful place with plenty of hiding places and they soon almost forgot the danger they were in until a feeling of unease overcame them and they hid as dawn came. The hobbits dozed in the sunshine while Sméagol curled up under a bush with a glare at the sky. That evening Sam surveyed their supplies and signed_

**Sam** – Sneaker? Can you try to catch us some game to add to the supplies please?

**Sméagol** – Yes! No! What is in it for us?

**Sam** – A really good surprise

**Sméagol** – we will see Sam hobbit

_Sméagol caught two rabbits which he proudly showed to Sam_

**Sméagol** – See we catcher these two Sam hobbit now give us our prize!

**Sam** – Alright! I just need to cook these and we can have a really excellent dinner!

**Sméagol** – Cook? We likes it Raw!

**Sam** – Well we can’t eat it raw, the master and I need it cooked

_Sméagol groans and leaves in disgust_

**Sam** – Can’t believe that worked… Gotta remember that one

_Sam cooks the rabbits in a stew in his largest pan until midday and then wakes Frodo and they share the food eagerly. Sam goes off to wash the pans etc. while Frodo takes watch, while he is gone something catches Frodo’s attention and he wanders off. Sam returns and notices that his small fire had begun to smoke a little! He swiftly put it out and hears a strange cry, almost like a bird? He crept along and found Frodo who motioned him to lie down and be silent. They lie there and watch in horror as two men crept into their camp. They are nearly overlooked until one of the men stumbled into them and they were dragged into the middle of camp_

**Frodo** – Who are you?

**Man1** – You should tell us first. Only rangers of Gondor are permitted to travel here in times of war

**Man2** – You must stay here. It will be unsafe to travel any further today. I am Anborn and this is Mablung and we will be your captors for today

**Sam** – Least they admit it

 

_The men sit down and keep watch and talk quietly together in a soothing language that sounded Elvish while the hobbits rested, Sam’s curiosity held for a while as he listened to the men’s voices. They occasionally asked questions and got brief answers until the men looked up clearly excited. They cautioned the hobbits to be silent and watch closely. Before long the road was full of wild looking men, armoured with red and gold colouring, Mablung pointed and suddenly the men were under attack, arrows raining down from nowhere and cries filled the air. Sam and Frodo were frozen in terror as men fell not to rise and flinched at a strange call sounded and the earth shook. Sam half rose as an Oliphaunt appeared with a war tower on its back and a giant of a man steering it. The arrows barely pierced its skin but soon killed the driver which sent the beast wild, trampling everything in its way heading straight for the hobbits hiding place. Mablung and Anborn grabbed them and pulled the hobbits out of the way as it stomped past and as it did a body fell off of it and rolled to rest at their feet._

_Sam stared at it wondering who the men was, if he had even wanted to be here in a distant land and if he wanted to fight at all while Mablung checked to see if he was alive. Then they climbed up the hill to see what was happening and saw the Haradim being routed, chased by a band of men with a tall figure in the lead_

**Mablung** – There goes Faramir! Leader of the Rangers and best in the land!

**Anborn** – Aye, He is the best in the land as is his brother of course. But Faramir, how easily he gains the love of his men

**Sam** \- _*Noting the men fairly gleaming with worship for the leader*_ Sounds like a great guy

**Mablung** – Understatement. But soon you shall be able to tell for yourself

_Soon afterward the rangers converged in the clearing below the hobbits campsite and the hobbits were brought to the middle. Their leader was the last to return and questioned his men before addressing the hobbits_

**Faramir** – I am Faramir, Captain of Gondor. None but servants of the dark lord have dared to travel these lands now, then we find you. Who are you and where do you go?

**Frodo** – Pleased to meet you. I am Frodo Baggins and this is Samwise Gamgee. We are travelling on an urgent quest for Elrond of Rivendale. Enemies of the dark lord would be wise not to hinder us.

**Faramir** \- _*laughs*_ and with gentle words I am reprimanded. Pray tell me of your quest so I can judge better

**Sam** – And why would we tell you? All due respect sir but we don’t know who you are, or what you are even doing here. Although you do look familiar and seem a really nice person we just can’t trust any person we meet in the wilderness, it defeats the purpose of it being a secret mission

**Faramir** – An excellent point. Our laws are that anyone travelling through here in times of war is to be killed. I would rather judge you fairly and get this right before deciding what to do

**Sam** – Killed? I guess take your time then. We will be safe here for a bit yes? It’s a long tale

 

* * *

 

 

**Frodo** – Sam, enough. We set out from Imladris, err Rivendale in the common tongue with 7 companions, two men Aragorn and Boromir, Two of my Kin who are not important right now, Gandalf they grey, Legolas the Elf and Gimli the Dwarf. We have travelled to and through Moria where Gandalf was … Gandalf departed. Then to Lórien and Amon Hen. There we became separated from our companions and we crossed Emyn Muil alone. Then we crossed some stupid marsh and here we are

**Sam** – Nicely summed up Me Frodo.

**Faramir** – Your tale is full of woe, that Gandalf fell is bad enough but to have wandered into Lórien? I would not have dared! And Boromir, he joined you? If you were so close why did you not join him on Gondor? He had not yet reached there when we left.

**Frodo** – We were… Good friends but he was not joining us on this last trek, instead he was to head to his home with whomever wished to help him. I believe his aim was to gain more soldiers for Gondor

**Faramir** – I see. _*He was silent for a couple of moments*_ you shall not get any further today, come stay with us in a stronghold. Have one last night of safety

**Sam** – You’re not actually asking are you? _*at this Faramir smiles tightly*_ Thought so… One day we might meet people who don’t want to hold us captive….

 

_They travelled quickly enjoying the sunlight until Faramir bade them to stop. He explains that no one can see the way to the stronghold for security so their eyes needed to be covered_

**Sam** – Just like the Elves Mr Frodo

**Frodo** – Indeed at Lórien they did the same, we understand Faramir. Please proceed

**Faramir** – Thank you both for being so gracious over this

_They were quickly blindfolded and gently led forwards with not even a stumble and soon arrived. Faramir himself untied them and asked them to follow him, leading them to a waterfall covering the caves natural window, all golden with shimmering lights of fire from the sunset. The hobbits gasped entranced with the display which made Faramir smile_

**Faramir** – We arrived at the right time luckily, a reward for your patience friends

**Frodo** – This is… beyond words!

**Faramir** – Few outside of our ranks have seen this, I shall get them to prepare our meal now, follow me

**Sam** – For food lead the way!

 

_He took them to a room so they could rest and Frodo soon fell asleep while Sam shifted unable to. Two men brought them water to wash the dust off and Sam asked them to put it on the floor and promptly dunked his head in it._

**Man1** \- *laughs* How unusual, Do you often wash your face before meals?

**Sam** – Oh no, only at breakfast usually. But when you’re tired a splash of cold water works wonders!

_They all laugh and the hobbits are led to the table and given places of honour at it. As the food I brought in the men all rise and turn east, after a second Frodo and Sam join in then the meal began. Faramir and Frodo discuss hobbit customs while Sam eagerly participated in a mug of beer. After the leisurely meal Faramir asked them to follow him and they went into a side chamber where he asked them to tell him the full tale, seeing them hesitate he smiled explaining that he knew of Boromir’s personal quest_

**Faramir** – It is a tale I know part of, a dream where the sky went dark and a voice spoke these words to me **“** _ **Seek for the Sword that was broken: In Imladris it dwells; There shall be counsels taken Stronger than Morgul-spells. There shall be shown a token, that Doom is near at hand, for Isildur's Bane shall waken, and the Halfling forth shall stand.”**_

**Frodo** – You seem to know this well

**Faramir** – Indeed, I also had the dream twice although Boromir had it but once

**Frodo** – You speak fondly of him, did you know him well?

**Faramir** \- _*Chuckles*_ I should, he is my brother. I am the second born son of Denethor II,  steward of Gondor while Boromir is the first born. Please tell me of my brother

 

* * *

_They settled in and told Faramir the tale again, dwelling on Boromir’s exploits in greater detail than before, until they reached_ _Lórien_

**Faramir** – Oh Boromir! Did you go there? Men who do never fare well they say. _*Sighs*_ you bring a sad tale but I must tell you one worse. Three nights ago I was on sentry duty at a river post when the night became dreamlike and I saw a boat, shimmering with light approach and I waded out. As I neared the boat seemed to drift near to myself and there I saw my brother… dead. Lying as in rest with the boat half full of water. “Boromir where do you go?” I cried but the boat slowly floated past me. The next day we hear rumours of a horn being sounded near our borders and his horn drifted ashore cut clean in two later that day. We also found signs of a mighty battle

**Frodo** – Boromir is dead? He can’t be! How? When?

**Faramir** – As his companions I had hoped you could tell me. Another mystery was his cloak and a belt of golden leaves he wore but I did not recognise them

**Frodo** \- _*closes his eyes and sighs*_ it is true then. They were gifts from the Lady Galadriel. Oh Boromir my friend

_Sam bows his head_

**Frodo** – please, have you news of the others? My kin, where they slain too?

**Faramir** – Worry not, some must live. Someone was clearly able to send my brother to his rest and gave him the river burial

**Frodo** – Thank you, I must go now, if we are truly the only two left it is up to us to succeed. It is almost too late!

**Faramir** – A moment please, I can finish your tale. One of you carries Isildur's Bane and Boromir was unwilling to see it taken away from the direction of Gondor. He’d want to protect his people by using it, and also the glory that would come. _*Frodo jumps up in alarm*_ Nay be at peace! I would not take this thing if it was lying by the highway. Not were Minas Tirth falling into ruin and I alone could save her, so using the weapon of the enemy for good and glory. No I do not wish for such triumphs Frodo of the shire. My poor brother, to face this trail was too cruel.

**Frodo** – Your brother was a brave man, we would not have come this far without him

**Faramir** – Yes, he enjoyed these things greatly/ If only I had gone in his stead! To go into that Dark wood…

**Sam** – Master if I may? I think you bring the darkness inside yourself, you cannot blame the lady. Now Boromir….

**Faramir** – You would tell me he brought his own darkness?

**Sam** – Yes, in his desire to protect everyone and for the ring drove him to… Oh! I said to much! Now don’t you go taking advantage of Mr Frodo because his servants a fool

 

**Faramir** – Ah I see, your issue was with Boromir alone. Oh this is cruel, his desire to be a hero defeated him. He was always desirous of that power, once asking our father how long we would wait before a steward could became king

**Frodo** – Nay, he seemed to accept Aragorn’s claim of kingship, well except in arguments and teasing him over it

**Faramir** – Yes he would have, but they had not yet reached Gondor, fought together for her glory. At least I have one comfort, he had proved himself as in death his face looked more beautiful than in life. The time is late and we are alone. Two Halflings in my care with the ring of power. Time for Faramir to show his worth. _*Sighs*_ I so not want it. “Not if it lay beside the highway” I said and I will not rob my quest. Have no fears and sleep you will be safe

_As they were being led out Sam stopped and turned_

**Sam** – Master? You have proven your worth tenfold today, and it has been an honour to meet you, truly.

**Faramir** – High praise indeed. I bid you goodnight

**Sam** – Also your brother? He was amazing and we had no issues. Truly we loved him dearly

**Sam** then left leaving Faramir staring into nothing

 

**Frodo** – Sam? We forgot Sméagol… I just remembered

**Sam** – Oh don’t ruin it Mr Frodo! We aren’t so lucky as to lose him now so let’s just enjoy the peace. Goodnight!


	39. A Sneak Caught Again

_Frodo was woken by Faramir who apologized and asked him to follow, unknown by both Sam wakes and decides to follow them. They go to a high ledge where a scout points to the pool below_

**Frodo** – Oh great, you’re going to push me into there aren’t you.

**Faramir** – Erm no. we are however pointing out that a person of some sort is currently swimming around in the pool. The penalty for coming here unbidden is death

**Frodo** – Isn’t that a bit harsh?

**Faramir** – We are at war you know

**Frodo** – Still though… Also he doesn’t actually know your camp is here, he’d following his desire

**Faramir** – For what you carry?

**Frodo** – No, although he bore it himself. He’s just hungry for fish, honestly it’s all he talks about most of the time. Total nightmare to travel with

**Faramir** – Bore it himself? Hmm… Still a fish from this pool will cost him dearly. Shall we slay him or no?

_Sam anticipating Frodo’s answer and slightly mishearing the question loudly whispers no just as Frodo whispers yes_

**Faramir** – Wh…what? Samwise why are you here? Do you two never part?

**Sam** – It’s kinda our thing, don’t ask

**Frodo** – Sam is right, we must show him mercy

**Sam** – No let’s do the humane thing, arrow through the eye as he eats fish is how he’d like to die I’ll bet

**Frodo** – Thank the gods you were here Sam! You saved Sméagol and myself from temptation, you’re such a good friend to us!

**Sam** – Great… Just great…

_Frodo hugs Sam warmly while Sam just looks glum, Faramir stifles laughter at his expression_

**Faramir** \- _*clears throat*_ Ahem, while this is touching we have an intruder to deal with…

**Frodo** – Oh yeah. Let me go to him and convince him to come peacefully! He trusts me

**Sam** – Is that wise?

 

 

_Frodo is led to the pool by a small group of men and while the men hide he approaches calling softly for Sméagol. He starts as a pair of eyes appears in the gloom and quickly comes closer to him as Sméagol approaches_

**Sméagol** – Master? Master is back, good

**Frodo** – Sméagol we must

**Sméagol** – Where is Sam hobbit? Not that we cares but master seems to like him

**Frodo** – He is back there _*waves vaguely*_ somewhere…

**Sméagol** – Don’t worry master we will finds him and you can give him more stupid hugs

**Frodo** – Sure, sure. We must go now though peacefully and non-resistant as ever

**Sméagol** – What is master talking about? Can we eats our fish?

**Frodo** – Let’s eat it on the way! You can bring it with you

**Sméagol** – Well we doesn’t like to eat and walk… but okay

_They start to walk towards the men when Sméagol freezes sniffing the air. Suddenly he gets an angry light in his eyes and he leaps at Frodo hissing, to be grabbed by Mablung and restrained. Frodo begs them men not to hurt him and looks up to see Faramir watching them with a strange look on his face_

_Sméagol was brought before Faramir cringing and crying weakly. He was questioned sternly by Faramir and avoided answering the questions where he could, refusing to look at the men or the hobbits but he had a resentful light in his eyes. Faramir disbelieved most of his answers and repeated the questions until he was satisfied that he had got all the information he was going to from this._

**Faramir** – Enough, Damrod take him away and watch him closely but treat him well. Then get the men prepared

_Sméagol was lead out still cringing and Faramir sighed heavily and turned to the hobbits_

**Faramir** – That one is full of evil. Do not follow him  & we shall escort him to any of our borders that he wishes

**Frodo** – I made a promise to follow him so I must

**Faramir** – It is easier to ask another to break his word than do it yourself. Rest now for we shall part soon  & then the fight will be upon us. Beware Minas Morgul and do not drink any water flowing out of the accursed place and do not trust that creature

**Sam** – Amen to that!

 

* * *

 

 

_They were returned to their original room and rested until dawn when they had their final meal with their hosts. Afterwards Faramir provided them with food and drink and gave them staves made to fit them perfectly. After bidding a fond farewell they were blindfolded and led from the cave to a crossroads where they were freed and said a final brief farewell and stood watching as the rangers quickly faded from sight. Sméagol crawled to the nearest thick bush and hid under it sulking until commanded to move by Frodo and they travelled until Midday when Sméagol simply refused to continue and curled up to sleep. They took it in turns to sleep accompanied by Sméagol’s snores & mutters about mean humans. When Sméagol awoke he promptly began to curse Faramir until Frodo angrily tell him to be silent as the humans had spared his life. They travel hurrying at Sméagol’s instance while he forages ahead, staying away longer than he had previously and seeming slightly nervous around them_

**Sam** – Mr Frodo, we should have yelled at him earlier

**Frodo** – Sam, it’s probably because we are not far from Faramir

**Sam** – Could be. Let’s not trust him anyhow

 

_They covered many miles before resting having a brief meal before falling asleep, Sam taking the first watch and Frodo taking the second. When Sam awoke it was dark and he feared he had overslept until Frodo assured him that he had only been asleep for an hour or so & the darkness had crept over the land from Mordor. Sméagol awoke soon after and seemed unconcerned about the darkness which caused Sam to sigh_

**Sam** \- Typical that, something odd had happened to block out the sun and he reacts with oh good

_They no longer stopped for the day, pushing on until they dropped and soon the landscape changed becoming more thorny bushes and scrublands. They reached a crossroad and saw a mighty statue of a man which had been beheaded and replaced with a crude orc head, scrawled with the eye. Sam and Frodo were appalled & hastened on to find the head a little way away. As the sun set a ray of light shone onto the head showing that he now had a trailing crown of flowers_

**Frodo** – Sam look! The king is crowned again! They can’t change a thing _*laughs in relief*_

**Sam** – Aye Mr Frodo

 

_The sun set and blackness took over, true dark not Saruon’s foul mire, and Sméagol pushed them even harder now until they fell exhausted under some bushes and slept. Sam awoke later and lay there puzzled at what woke him until he heard Sméagol talking to himself not far away_

**Sméagol** – It’s not right! We promised to serve the master!

**Gollum** – Of the precious yes, but he tricks us! Baggins he is and we hates them all, yes precious hates them we do

**Sméagol** – Not this one! Master is good to us

**Gollum** – Good? Allowing cruel mens to catch us and ties us up?

**Sméagol** – To save us! Master said…

**Gollum** – He lied! He let them beats us up

**Sméagol** – What? They never did….

**Gollum** – Well no… but they were still mean

**Sméagol** – They even let us keep our fish

**Gollum** – For a price! Questions, tricks us with them oh yes

**Sméagol** – They asked where we was going to help the master

**Gollum** – They asked in a mean way. Then they told lies! We takes them to her to deal with, yes precious she’ll treat hobbits nicely

**Sméagol** – No we promised …

**Gollum** – To serve the master of the precious. Once she be done we searches the clothes and take it! Then we be the master! Lord Sméagol, King Gollum! And we eats fishes from the big waters everyday

**Sméagol** – Monster! Every day we says?

**Gollum** – Yes sweet fishes everyday

**Sméagol** – And master won’t be hurt?

**Gollum** – Well…

_Sam moved slightly causing a twig to snap_

**Gollum** – Who moves?

**Sam** \- _*fakes a yawn*_ oh … what time is it?

**Sméagol** – It’s still early now. Sleepyheads trusts us now? Good let’s wake master and head off!

**Sam** – Uh I’ll do that _*gently wakes Frodo*_ Mr Frodo wake up, it’s time to go

**Frodo** – Sam? Hullo I was having a wonderful dream. We were home in Bagend with our friends and Sméagol was there too chained to the door for some reason?

**Sam** – Best place for him! Anyhow we gotta go now

_Sam turns and catches Gollum pretending to strangle him and pulling faces, realising he was caught he freezes and reverts to Sméagol who looks around confused_

**Sméagol** – What was we doing?

**Frodo** – Yes Sméagol what were you doing?

**Sméagol** \- _*sadly*_ we wishes we knew…

**Sam** – Oh gods almighty let us get through this in one piece!


	40. Boromir’s fed up

_Boromir sat in the gatehouse pondering how to A. Get more narration and story time and B. how to escape. So far all of his att…_

**Boromir** – What so no help on the first one?

_All his attempts had been thwarted by that SOB The Mouth of flaming Sauron who had the uncanny ability to turn up in the middle of his plans and ruin them, then punish him! So far Boromir had been made to do guard duty, gate duty, gatehouse duty, cook, peel and chop, cleaning duty, gate maintenance, swept the forge, chop wood, sing to Sauron, read to Sauron, swept the stables, feed the trolls and cleaned the barracks 5 times all of which was impressive as he has only been there 3 days._

**Boromir** – Gods at this point I seem to be single handily running this bloody place! All of which puts me farther from my goals to save the day and have Aragorn admit he was wrong to push me over a waterfall… Oh gods and let’s not forget that I manage this with Maúr hinting heavily at something I don’t want to know about, the mouth on my case and Sauron keeping me jumping. Honestly if I can maintain my cover with all that going on surely they can bring the ring here!!

_There was a knock at the door and he jumped up expecting to see The Mouth and was surprised to see a messenger_

**Boromir** – I was working! Oh… Hey

**Messenger** – Hi Boreemy, finished with your muttering and inner monologue yet?

**Boromir** – Err what?

**Messenger** – You were staring into space and muttering, looking pretty heroic if I say so myself. It’s a sure sign that is

**Boromir** – Sorry… Must be my human half?

**Messenger** \- Maybe. _*laughs*_ you half breeds have it rough. Anyhow Sauron wants you, sounds pretty urgent. I’ll wait here ‘til Keith gets here

**Boromir** – Thanks, Last thing I need is the Mouth riding my ass again

**Messenger** – It’s not his fault you’re so pretty! *laughs loudly* Later

 

_Boromir strode to the tower nodding to the orcs he knew and slinking past the mouth. He arrived and winked at the new receptionist_

**Boromir** – Hey, Frank in?

**Receptionist** – I’ll get him now, take a seat

Boromir sat down and waited humming nervously, was his cover blown?

**Frank** – Boreemy good to see you, follow me

**Boromir** – Will do. How’s the big bad today?

**Frank** – Same as always, sulky and wanting to take over the world

**Boromir** – True he will never change. So what’s new? 

**Frank** – Sauron is asking for me to adopt him that was odd…

**Boromir** – But he’s older than you?

**Frank** – tell me about it _*sighs heavily*_

_They reach the office and enter to find Sauron running around the office in a panic._

**Boromir** – You… You have a body? Why are you tiny?

**Frank** – Yeah he’s enough power to regain some of his former glory and is currently creating his body again. Currently he’s about 10 in human years

**Boromir** – Okaaay…

**Sauron** – Now you have covered this, Frank where did it go? It was just here!?!

**Frank** – Sauron I’ve told you this before, no cloaks until you stop running around getting it caught in doors.

**Sauron** – Spoilsport. Boreemy welcome to my lair!

**Frank** – Office

**Sauron** – office lair, whatever. So I need a favour and it’s super important! Can I trust you?

**Boromir** – Course! _*excitedly thinks here we go!*_

**Sauron** – Good! The mouth says we have a spy among us from Gondor

**Boromir** – _*Looks uncomfortable*_ Err what makes him say that?

**Sauron** – He says he “just knows” He even tried to tell me it was you! Can you believe it?

**Boromir** – He what? I mean that’s just so…

**Sauron** – I know! He said you act strangely like a human would. I just told him to stop being daft and look for the real spy, I mean you just work so hard to help us win this war! Then we wondered if it was Maúr 

**Boromir** – What? You think she is the spy?

**Sauron** – Well all half breeds bust be watched with caution and fear! Oh but not  you of course

**Boromir** – Oh no way man. I mean anyone could be a spy for the humans but she seems unlikely, I… I would have noticed you know

**Sauron** – Look I know she’s your mate and all

**Boromir** – Wait my what!?!

**Sauron** – It’s not a secret is it? Everyone knows about you two… Anyhow I need you to prove is she is loyal or not

**Boromir** – Umm she left me in a swamp to assist a Ringwraith on a mission, think he was called Bill? Brian? Something strange like that

**Frank** – That does sound like something someone loyal would do

**Sauron** – Very true! Okay I’ll trust you on this, Wonder why the mouth thought so? He’s usually on top of these things

**Boromir** – I think he hates me, maybe that’s why?

**Sauron** – He used politics… What a bastard! No wonder he’s my lieutenant. No onto the actual favour. The signal went up last night and the W/K or Witch king sent a message to say he “felt a disturbance in the force”

**Boromir** – Wait what?

**Sauron** – He won’t explain. So I want you and one other to go and investigate it. It means a trip to Minas Morgul our most beautiful city plus you can have a raise.

 

**Boromir** – Well it is a long way… Are you sure you want me to go?

**Sauron** – It’s the only other way into Mordor and is the least guarded except for Shelob and a small tower or orcs. I’d prefer someone I trust to check it out and report

**Boromir** – Err what’s a Shelob?

**Sauron** – Giant spider queen. Very bad tempered.

**Boromir** – Oh fantastic…

**Sauron** – Don’t worry, I’ll send some orcs from the tower to be spider bait. You’ll be fine

**Boromir** – Well… ok. _*Thinks “Who knows, this could be my chance to escape and help Frodo and Sam, and the back way does sound like a route they could be taking…”*_

**Sauron** – Excellent! I assume you’ll be taking Maúr? I’ll let you tell her the good news

Boromir nods then leaves

**Sauron** – What a guy! Him a spy can you believe it?

**Frank** – It does seem unlikely. Now sir I have some paperwork for you to sign

**Sauron** – Oh crap….


	41. Minas Morgul and the stairs

_They travelled slowly and reached an ominous crossroads leading to a ghostly white town with two white towers seeming to stare at them. For some reason they felt a great dread and crept along the road, making sure to keep hidden until they reached a great stair hewn into the rocks which Sméagol proceeded to climb. Frodo went to follow then paused, drawn to the town he began to unwillingly walk towards it to be stopped by Sam and Sméagol tackling him to the ground and dragging him to the stairs and forcing him to climb them until they were well out of sight of the towers where Frodo sagged in relief. After a brief rest when he thanked them both they climbed the steep stairs slowly. Sméagol began to get highly nervous almost begging them to climb faster and shortly they noticed an oppressive silence took over the land. A blinding beam of light shot into the sky with a ear-splitting scream from one of the towers causing the hobbits to fall to the ground in terror, and Sméagol lay flat on the ground covering his ears. Once this signal stopped they lay there stunned before Sméagol stirred then crawled to the hobbits demanding they climbed higher, then begging. Seeing that they were too stunned to move he hissed and cursed before leaving them where they lay_

**Sam** – What was that Mr Frodo? It seems to have scared the sneaker off at least

**Frodo** – No idea Sam, let’s just hope it’s over now!

**Sam** – Aww Mr Frodo you never say that… Now something is bound to happen

 

_The gates were swung open and the hobbits lay there watching as the witch king rode out then paused and scan the area, seeming to sense another power In his domain_

**Witchking** – No one talks like that you know…

_Shut it. Anyhow he briefly glanced at the stairs and missing the obvious then motioned behind him and rode out at the head of a massive army not wishing to displease his easily upset master_

**Witchking** – Wait, what am I missing?

_Ah get moving, these is no time for this. The hobbits huddled together watching the army pass for what felt like hours, thinking of Faramir and praying he was somewhere safe. A few minutes after the last orc had passed Sméagol returned looking displeased_

**Sméagol** – Silly Hobbitses! Need to be more careful

**Sam** – We were hiding, kind of

**Sméagol** – not that we noticed. Now hurry, no time to waste!

**Sam** – I preferred you when you were absent

_They slowly climbed the stairs and once they reached a landing of sorts they collapsed and rested for a few minutes before continuing upwards, Sméagol promising they could have a proper rest at the top. They finally reached the top and stumbled across the landing before looking up and seeing another flight of stairs_

**Sam** – What the hell!

**Sméagol** – Well done hobbits! You climbed the first stair, the next is easier the winding stair isn’t steep

**Sam** – Oh gee thanks, next time warn us!

**Sméagol** – But we just did? Remember Sam hobbit?

**Sam** – I meant before you made us climb the 10,000 stairs!!

**Sméagol** – You counted them? Impressive! Well done Sam hobbit!!

**Sam** \- _*Sighs heavily*_ Yeah sure…. _*mutters*_ should have let them shoot him

_Frodo had been looking around and rubbed his eyes before looking again. At the top of the mountain there was a tower!_

**Frodo** – Sméagol! I thought you said this way was unguarded?

**Sméagol** – No master, we said less guarded. More secret

**Frodo** – Well I really don’t like the sound of that…

**Sam** – don’t worry Mr Frodo, we’ll get through there safely. After all together we are unstoppable

**Sméagol** – Yes, unless we comes to a tunnel with a giant spider monster who eats you both and lets us go because we are no good as food

**Sam** – That seems strangely specific…

**Sméagol** – Oh really?

**Sam** – I’m watching you….

 

_Frodo and Sam soon fall asleep while Sméagol curled up nearby. Sam awoke later to find that Sméagol had gone and he jumped up in a panic_

**Sam** – Oh great! Where did the little sneak go now? I’d better wake Mr Frodo…

_He turns and finds himself looking at Sméagol_

**Sméagol** – Hullo

**Sam** – There you are! Where did you sneak off to?

**Sméagol** – I was… Sneak? Sneak!?! We goes ahead to make sure it’s safe for hobbits and it calls us sneak!

**Sam** – You were? Look I’m sorry you just had me worried, next time let someone know when you’re exploring not sleeping

**Sméagol** – We be tired yes, but no sleep for us sneaks

**Sam** – We’ll get tired of that word soon. So what were you actually doing?

**Sméagol** – _*Sulkily*_ Sneaking.

**Sam** – Have it your way. I’ll go wake up the master

_Sam gently wakes Frodo and they prepare a small meal_

**Frodo** – Hullo Sméagol, Did you sleep well?

**Sméagol** – No, no rest for sneaks

**Frodo** \- _*frowns*_ you should not take names to yourself Sméagol

**Sméagol** – Poor Sméagol has to take what is given to him. Master Sam calls us sneak so sneak we are

**Sam** – Well I sort of did on account of waking up to find he has vanished in the middle of this hellhole of a country, so I panicked. I even apologised but he just won’t let it go the rotten snitch

**Frodo** – Well forget it and move on. We have to work together after all

**Sméagol** – Yes master

_Sméagol then stuck his tongue out at Sam who responded by throwing a rock at him_

**Frodo** \- Really mature guys…

 

_They slowly climb the second stair and when they paused to catch their breath they found a small stream. Recalling Faramir’s advice they were unsure if it was safe to drink until Frodo pointed out that the warning had been for water flowing out of minas Morgul and this stream was heading into it and decided to let Sméagol drink first_

**Sméagol** – Why us?

**Sam** – Because the master is important and you’re not. Get to it

**Sméagol** – Bully

_After waiting to see is Sméagol was okay they quenched their thirst and filled their canteens and rested a short while before climbing again_

**Sam** – Mr Frodo?

**Frodo** – Yes Sam?

**Sam** – its lucky Mr Faramir gave us extra flasks! Handy to have where we are going

**Frodo** – Yes indeed. I hope he is safe!

**Sam** – Oh he will be, after all he is Boromir’s brother. Now that was one human who could look after himself, and others! Plus even after fighting all day he still looked so damn good. I miss him greatly… He could have carried us up here like that other mountain

**Frodo** – It’s true, he had style! I miss him as well Sam

**Sméagol** – Us too!!

**Sam** – Err what? You knew Boromir?

**Sméagol** – Oh umm no. We definitely didn’t drop him off of a cliff onto orcs killing everyone and run off after carving a heartfelt goodbye message in solid rock with a dagger. Oh no

**Frodo** – Wait what?

**Sméagol** – Nothing! Nice master _*grins*_

**Sam** – Oh that’s creepy!!

 

_As Sméagol refused to stop, and even the hobbits had to admit there were no safe places to stop they struggled upwards until they reached the top and were confronted by a tunnel. It was an evil looking place so they huddled together in a corner and slept fitfully. The hobbits slept deeply for several hours and awoke to find something was out of place, Sméagol had gone_

**Sam** – Oh what the hell is he up to now!?! I tell you Mr Frodo, we should have let him be shot!

**Frodo** – Sam that’s not nice

**Sam** – Agree to disagree on this one Mr Frodo


	42. Boromir’s trip

 

_Boromir rushes to the barracks to prepare for his trip, eager to leave the hell ole called Mordor. After much, much thought he decided to take Maúr along with him as she should be easy to lose when it was time to leave. He locates her in the armoury and tells her about the trip_

**Boromir** – So in summary we had better leave sooner rather than later. That work for you?

**Maúr** – Sure. Why were we picked again?

**Boromir** \- Well I have to go because I’m not a spy and I thought we could not be spies together. Also he wanted to annoy the MOS

**Maúr** – I see. What am I missing?

**Boromir** – Okay so the mouth kinda accused us of being spies and as I proved we were loyal we got a promotion

**Maúr** \- Spies?

**Boromir** – Yeah. Don’t ask. Either way I’ll get my revenge on the MOS and watch him weep for upsetting me and my mate… Why are you staring?

**Maúr** – You said mate

**Boromir** – Is that not what we are? I’m still new to this and all

**Maúr** – No it’s fine. I’d like to be … mates _*blushes*_

**Boromir** – Err cool. So we had better get going coz Frank is waiting.

 

_As Maúr walks off to pack Boromir shrugs. Why did she make such a fuss about being friends?_

_They met Frank at the gate and set off fully provisioned. As they travelled the barren plains they discovered that Boromir contrary to his belief did not in fact know the way. At all. Which caused Maúr to tease him greatly until finally_

**Boromir** – Okay look here female! I’m already stunningly good looking and blessed in physical form so what part of that lead you to believe I often travel the plains of Mordor? I mean I have done wilderness training and travelled middle earth as far as Imladris, although I did get lost a couple of times. But this was always my brother Faramir’s thing, think he used it as an excuse to escape from our father who was always very cold to him…. What? Why are you staring?

**Maúr** – No wonder they thought you were a spy

**Boromir** – Oh shut up

 

_They reached the tower and demanded to be allowed entrance which was ignored. In fact it was only when Boromir in a fit of rage threatened to climb the walls and post the gatekeepers head to the Mouth that they were allowed in. They were led to a room they could use for their stay and left to unpack. Boromir was surprised to see Maúr start to take off her armour_

**Boromir** – Wow I don’t think I’ve seen you without 2 tonnes of metal on

**Maúr** – Is it a problem? Do you not like it?

**Boromir** – It’s fine, I just don’t trust these guys you know. They look like the kind of people to kill you and steal your stuff

**Maúr** – Good point. I’ll be careful, so what now?

 

_Boromir considered his options, 1. Stay in and miss Frodo - possibly get raped by Maúr judging from the look in her eyes, 2. Search for Frodo leaving female behind– possibly lose rapey female and therefore his cover, 3. Search for Frodo with female while playing it safe and avoid any lockable rooms – Could blow cover but would have a second pair of eyes_

**Boromir** – We had better go look around, play it safe you know. Uh not together, we’ll cover more ground separately

**Maúr** – Good idea. Meet you here later?

**Boromir** – You can count on it

_Boromir explores the tower and finds that the orcs are leaving some silk covered thing they claim is a prisoner in the courtyard. He then points out that a prisoner could escape from there and should be moved to somewhere more defensible like the top of the tower and walks off shaking his head in disgust. He returned to the room and complained bitterly to Maúr about the lack of discipline and crappy attitude._

**Maúr** – True I found the same thing. You should relax though, come here and I’ll help

**Boromir** – Umm thanks for the offer but I…

_Maúr leans forward and whispers into his ear, causing Boromir to promptly faint in terror. He awoke later to find himself on the “bed” with Maúr sleeping beside him. He jumps up and unsteadily walks to the window and sighs heavily_

 

**Boromir** \- _*Mutters*_ Granted I am handsome to an incredible degree with a body to die for but this is ridiculous! Even the enemy troops fancy me for middle earth’s sake! Gods dammed I’m good but what next? Do I leave to find and help Frodo or do I stay and use my god like acting skills to help out here, and incidentally get a pay rise while I take them down from the inside. What to do… What would Aragorn do? No wait… think of someone useful! Like Gandalf or something….

_Maúr wakes up and yawns_

**Maúr** – Did you say something? Surprised to see you up, you must have been really tired to fall asleep like that?

**Boromir** – Yes that was it! Or I needed food or something?

**Maúr** – Sure, sure. Well I’m going to sleep some more

**Boromir** – Okay I’ll be doing the same shortly, long day and all. Sleep is important can’t get too much of it I say, Not that anyone listened to me thinking about it

_As Boromir chatters on the only response is a soft snore_


	43. Shelob’s Lair

_Frodo and Sam call out for Smeagol but get no reply_

**Frodo** – Do you think he got lost Sam? Or captured?

**Sam** – Mr Frodo I fear this was his plan all along. I recall something about a tunnel and lurking that he was muttering. We may be in some trouble

**Frodo** – Sam he could never have planned this. It’s too smart of a plan for him to have thought up, but we need to decide what to do next

**Sam** – I’d not be surprised if he did plan this Mr Frodo that sneak!

They both turn and stare at the tunnel

**Sam** – It looks damp and dark, probably full of crawlies. But we have to go on Mr Frodo, and if we come across that sneak I’ll kill him myself!

**Frodo** – You’re right. Let’s go Sam. Oh and when you kill him make it painless, he is old after all

_After making sure that no one else was around they held hands so that they didn’t lose each other in the dark tunnels and walked forwards, one hand on the wall closest to them for guidance. Sam began to whistle a cheerful tune nervously until Frodo made him stop as it was going to attract attention and was spoiling the mood. As they slowly travelled forwards they occasionally felt openings in the wall, tunnel entrances suddenly gaping which they hurried past. They came to a huge tunnel where they were halfway through with the sound of something shifting and pure malice suddenly hit them in a wave. They stumbled blindly until Frodo reched for the ring to hide and instead his hand felt the vial Galadriel had given him, at once the feeling lessened and he sighed in relief. They stumbled when a rank breeze wafted through a tunnel nearby and they realised they were near the exit!_

_Running forwards they were repelled backwards by thick strands of a web like substance. In desperation Sam drew his sword and tried to cut through but was unable to. In horror they realised that something was coming towards them, dragging its bulk with a rattle. Without thinking Frodo reached for the vial and held it aloft blinding the creature. In the light they saw a giant spider writhing in pain from the light. Suddenly Frodo drew sting and with a yell cut the web blocking their path so they could retreat, causing a web strand to lash his hand injuring it. He gave the vial to Sam who held it as Frodo cut them a path. Relieved they were through they ran forward again with Frodo in front when suddenly Sam was tripped. A clammy hand forced his head lower and he realised with a flash of anger who it was as the light dimmed. His mouth covered Sam fought harder to get free_

**Gollum** – Guess who Sam hobbit

**Sam** – Gollum you sneaky bastard!

**Sméagol** – How did he know it was us?

_As he changed to Sméagol his hold loosened and Sam took his chance, biting his hand hard then slamming his head backwards stunning Gollum enough for Sam to climb to his feet then fling himself backwards onto Gollum crushing him. Gollum let go with a gasp and sam sprung up drawing his sword causing Gollum to cringe and cry. Sam raised the sword but was distracted by a cry behind him from Frodo_

_Forgetting Gollum he ran forward with a cry and came across the giant spider wrapping Frodo up in web having taken advantage of the darkness to attack. With a yell he flung himself forward and attacked but his sword was unable to cut her thick skin deeply but it was enough for her to pull upwards snapping the blade. Sam stared as she raised her bulk high and he dropped to his knees beside Frodo suddenly noticing sting beside him where it had been dropped. He raised it high as she dropped her weight down intending to crush him and this drove sting deep into her body. She gave a gurgling cry and jerked away, crawling into a nearby tunnel with Sam is pursuit attacking with sting and the light until she was gone._

_Sam limped to Frodo and gently pulled the web off of his face, head and neck noting the swollen mark on his neck where she has stung him. Frodo lay still as if sleeping and Sam recalled the vision in the mirror at Loren sobbing brokenheartedly as he realised that Frodo was dead and he had to carry on alone or all of it, everything they had done and everyone they had lost would have been wasted. Apologising he returned the elf light vial and took the ring, gently wrapping Frodo in is cloak with Sam’s broken blade at his side. Sam took hold of sting and stood there staring at his master and unable to leave. Finally his will was resolved and with a strength he did not know he possessed Sam turned and slowly walked away. He began the climb into Mordor when he heard voices and froze realising they would find Frodo! He turned and ran backwards abandoning the quest entirely the orcs yelling ringing in his ears and he realised that they had reached Frodo first. In a panic he put on the ring so he could get closer, being shocked at his enhanced senses and that he could understand the orcs._

**Shagrat** – What’s this? Hah looks like She has been having her fun again. Hullo Gorbag

**Gorbag** \- Ho Shagrat. What are you looking at? Oh Eww what is that!?!

**Shagrat** – Looks like some Elf type thing to me. Her ladyship has clearly been playing and sat on a pin hah! Serves her right too

**Gorbag** – Leave it be and let’s go. Oh why are you touching it? It’s dead

**Shagrat** – Dead? Not likely, it’s alive and orders say to bring it in. Right lads grab this thing and let’s go before her ladyship comes back

 

_Sam rushes forward to realise that he has misjudged the distance and the orcs were far ahead. He ran desperate to catch up until forced to stop as the tunnel was blocked by rocks. He looked around in a panic faced with the realisation he had lost them_

_“What now?” He whispers into the dark_


	44. Boromir comes up with a cunning plan

_Boromir sits at the window and looks out at the sound of yelling spotting orcs carrying in a bundle up to the top of the tower. “Amateurs” he muttered and returned to his parchment._

**_Plan_ **

**_Escape?_ **

**_Find Frodo_ **

**_Destroy ting – Important!!_ **

**_Slap Aragorn – Also Important!!!_ **

 

**Boromir** – Not bad but could use some refinement. Like details. Let’s see… Do I really need to escape? Maybe I can use my influence here to help them? Unless he gets captured of course… No don’t go there that would be difficult to resolve. Also need to confirm if he is still with Sam, Gods I hope so! He’d be a massive help with this! Point 2… How to find him? It’s not like I can really fail coz I’m awesome but I’ve been looking for a hobbit in a haystack! Hah I’m so witty!! Focus Boromir you can do it! Hmm how to find him… Could I tell these idiots to bring all prisoners they find here to bring to me so I can “Escort” them to Barad Dúr? That’ll work, maybe! Oh better mention that they are to be unharmed in case they try to escape… or that would be a nightmare!

 

_Maúr enters and interrupts his mutterings_

**Maúr** – Boreemy? We need you to …

**Boromir** – Hang on! I need you to tell the others that they have new orders from Lugbúrs _*holds out some parchment*_

**Maúr** – New orders?

**Boromir** – Yeah came this morning, now please leave so I can figure this mission out

**Maúr** – Umm sure. I’ll come back after I’ve given these orders out _*she leaves*_

**Boromir** – Damn these interruptions are annoying! Okay point 3 destroy the ring… I know the elf Elrond told me how to do it… Erm what was it?

 

**_Flashback_ **

_At the council meeting Elrond bid them rest and as the others leave Boromir walks up to him_

**Boromir** – My lord Elrond, just to confirm why are we destroying it?

**Elrond** – It’s the source of his power! Without it he dies

**Boromir** – awesome! Umm how…

**Elrond** – throw it into the fires from whence it came.

**Boromir** – Uh, huh

**Elrond** – For the love of! Throw it into Mount Doom

**Boromir** – any specific part?

**Elrond** – The Lava you fool!

**Boromir** – Yeah I got that, but I am not travelling all that way to find out “it needed to be thrown into the southwest corner as it’s the hottest part at this time of year” you know

**Elrond** – Just go prepare please….

****

**_Flashback over_ **

****

**Boromir** – Oh yeah throw into lava. I knew that I knew it. Oh wait… 3a – escape volcano… can’t forget that bit! How to escape… Wish I had some of those giant eagles Gandalf kept bragging about handy.

_There was a knock at the door and Maúr enters_

**Maúr** – Hey Bill is ere to see you

**Boromir** – Umm who?

**Maúr** – Oh that Ringwraith we met before. He has a message

**Boromir** – Oh yeah him. Lead me to him, anything to escape this paperwork nightmare

 

**Boromir** – Bill! Good to see you

**Bill** – Hey, gods damn this is a s*** hole! Sauron wanted you quartered downstairs with us but this lot refused to guide you down the stairs. He went nuts over that. Oh I have a message for you, where did I put it… Ah here we go *hands over some parchment with string wrapped around it*

**Boromir** – Thanks. Why do you have all that string?

**Bill** – Never know when you’ll need it

**Boromir** – Uh huh…

 

_He untangles the parchment and reads_

**_Hi Boreemy,_ **

**_Had bill note this down as he has terrible memory – Attack on Gondor will be soon and I want you guys to return here to man the gate. Return as soon as you get this, will send minions to replace you two. Oh and on your return please pick up some ale and we can have a proper meeting – just don’t tell Frank._ **

**_Sauron_ **

 

**Boromir** – Seems his style will never change huh. I’ll write a reply now if that’s cool?

**Bill** – Go for it, I’ll drop it off

**Boromir** – Oh by the way whats the situation is Gondor?

**Bill** – Not great for them, but some guy who calls himself Gandalf the white turned up and seems to be heading there. Could be interesting!

**Boromir** – Gandalf the white? Not the grey?

**Bill** – Same guy, Must have got a promotion or something

**Boromir** – So… if someone wanted to send say hate mail to him a letter could be delivered?

**Bill** – Is this theory or should we start talking numbers?

**Boromir** – I’ll let you know

 

_Boromir writes the letters and Bill promises to get the “hate mail” delivered to Gandalf if they meet him._

_Sauron excitedly reads the reply and gets Frank to look out for a recruit who could discipline the orcs at the tower. Bill waits until he is dismissed then goes to see the Witch King_

**Bill** – Hey boss, Mission accomplished.

**Witch king** – Good, very good. Anything happen?

**Bill** – Saw Boreemy calm an angry screeching orc by punching it in the mouth. It was awesome! Oh by the way has that Gandalf fellow arrived at Gondor yet?

**Witch king** – No idea, why?

**Bill** – Got a letter to deliver to him, hate mail. Said we’d take care of it

**Witch** **king** – And here I thought I was in charge

**Bill** – I knew you’d say yes, and anyhow I tried to call you

**Witch** **king** – Must have missed that. But yeah we can deliver it this time. Wonder why it’s for the rebel leader though?

**Bill** – If I recall it was to demoralise their leader to affect their battle efficiency

**Witch king** \- _*nods slowly*_ Nice. Okay well I’ll be leading the attack so I’ll drop it off in a few days

**Bill** – Cool, Am I coming?

**Witch king** – Nah you’re on GD again

**Bill** – But I hate Guard duty! He just sits there and stares at me

**Witch king** – Shouldn’t have called him short and said that it would help his allure.

**Bill** – True, but it was funny! Good times


	45. Minas Tirith

_Gandalf and Pippin had been riding for 3 days when Gandalf spoke suddenly_

**Gandalf**  – We have now crossed the border into Gondor

**Pippin**  –  _*half asleep*_  Huh? What?

**Gandalf**  – I said we have now crossed into Gondor

**Pippin**  – Great so can we get off this thing?

**Gandalf**  - Not yet lad we still have many miles to cover

**Pippin**  – Oh perfect… What was that?

They watched as a light appeared in the distance, then one at a time others flared up getting closer

**Gandalf**  – Gondor calls for aid, we must hurry!

_They arrived at the city in time to see it light up with the dawn, a truly beautiful sight. Gandalf was immediately let into the city when they reached the gates and they were led to a house that would be for their use. Gandalf was called to meet with Denethor and Pippin slept deeply. When he awoke he was given the news that he would meet the steward in the morning, and more interestingly to him, he was given food. During the meal Gandalf spoke up_

**Gandalf**  –Lad, I feel I must ask you to act with caution around Denethor

**Pippin**  – What do you mean?

**Gandalf**  – Do not act rashly, watch your tongue and for the love of the gods make no mention of Boromir’s death. He will not thank you for that news. He is a good man but the war has turned him cold and now he pities no one, but fear not he will treat you kindly enough.

**Pippin**  – Define kindly….

 

 

_Morning arrived too soon for Pippins liking and they were led to a great hall which was dominated by a throne set high on a dais and at the foot of the steps leading to the throne was a chair upon which sat Denethor. As they walked towards him Pippin was struck by the coldness in his bearing, and how similar to Boromir he appeared, while also seeming completely different at the same time._

 

**Denethor**  – Welcome Gandalf and to you stranger. What pray is your name?

**Pippin**  – Oh Right. I am Peregrin Took, son of Paladin Took. Pippin for short. I come from the Shire lands far from here lord.

**Denethor**  – Ah a Halfling. I am pleased to meet you, who can tell me news of my son. Strange that you arrive here and yet he did not. Please tell me your tale

_Pippin glanced at Gandalf who nodded slightly and begins to tell Denethor of their journey, leaving out the ring and dwelling on what he could remember of Boromir. As he neared the end he noticed a strange light in Denethor’s eyes and realised that somehow he knew about Boromir and he decided to tell him everything._

**Pippin**  – We arrive at Amon something or other – wasn’t that memorable a name honestly. We had set up camp and were deciding the route to take, getting firewood and such when we were attacked by Uruk-hai bearing the sign of the white hand. My lord Boromir he… he fell defending myself and my kin. Although pierced by many arrows he slew hundreds pf the creatures! Because of the debt I owe him I offer myself in your service!

_Pippin knelt in front of Denethor completely missing Gandalf’s dropped jaw – which he quickly stopped when he regained himself- and Denethor’s surprised expression. After a moment of silence Denethor smiled softly, which made him look more like the grieving father he was_

**Denethor**  – The love you have for him is touching. I thank you! Also I know what you missed out in your tale, what you were carrying. Long have I known the Enemy’s Ring was his bane and guessed the elves may have discovered it. I sent my son to retrieve it and now have lost him. Our doom is at hand, but I will not refuse such a touching offer. From today you are a man of Gondor and in my service. Come here tomorrow and I shall tell you what your duties will be but for today I shall provide an escort who will provide you will the gates passwords and familiarise you with our city.

 

* * *

 

_A servant was sent to fetch a man who was currently off duty and he eagerly greeted Pippin outside the hall_

**Beregond**  – Hullo, I am Beregond of the city watch, and you are?

**Pippin**  – I am Peregrin of the Shire, but call me Pippin. No one uses my full name unless I’ve done something wrong. Which is more than you’d think…

**Beregond**  – You honour me. They say you arrived with Gandalf, if this true?

**Pippin**  – Oh yeah, we are close friends! Known him for forever now

**Beregond**  – You are lucky indeed, he is a wise and powerful man, but kind. Our Lord Faramir would study with him for hours in the time of peace

**Pippin**  – Who is that?

**Beregond**  – Oh sorry, Lord Faramir is the Lord Denethor’s youngest son and brother to Boromir

**Pippin**  – Oh really? I think he mentioned something about a brother?  _*Thinks back to several moments where Boromir spoke of his brother, all of which included Pippin eating at the time*_  I may not have been listening… There was food I remember that

**Beregond**  – You knew Lord Boromir?? Did you travel with him? Lord Denethor would have been greatly pleased to have spoken to you for news of his son. My Lord Faramir also

**Pippin**  – Alas my lord did not seem to like what I had to say of him

**Beregond**  – Ah do not let his words upset you my friend, he is deep in his grief for his son

**Pippin**  – His tone was co cold at first. Will he ever stop grieving?

**Beregond**  – Yes he has always come across as that way, but is a man of deep feeling below the surface. His son’s… Son make up for it. Are you hungry?

**Pippin**  -  _*laughs*_  Sir never ask a hobbit if he is hungry for we always are!

**Beregond**   _\- *smiles broadly*_  I shall remember that, now follow me to the buttery to break our fast

  

* * *

 

 

_They collected their food and sat in a high sunny corner talking and laughing as they ate. Pippin noticed wagons leaving the city and pointed them out_

**Pippin**  – Oh look, where as those wagons going?

**Beregond**  -  _*Sadly*_  they are carrying the infirm, women and children to safety, excepting those few who have chosen to stay. This includes mine own son. Now as we have eaten shall we walk it off?

_They walked around the city with Beregond pointing out the different places to go, and providing the gates passwords. Mid-afternoon found them sat on a wall and discussing the war when a shadow came overhead. They looked up to see dark clouds spilling from Mordor and closer to the city spotted a column of rides racing to the city being harassed by black riders. Beregond jumped off and ran out with a mighty cry of “Faramir!” while Pippin stood frozen in fear, so he was the only witness to the white rider riding out and driving the black riders off somehow. With a deep breath Pippin recovered enough to move and he ran to the gate arriving just as Gandalf and a man he presumed was Faramir led the men through. He was struck by his beauty and wisdom in Faramir’s face, seeing something of Aragorn in him as well as the great resemblance to Boromir. Faramir had something about him that people responded to and everyone left in the city were calling to their lord. Gandalf motioned for Pippin to follow them and they went into Denethor’s chambers. Pippin was shocked at the cold reception Faramir received from his father and stood silent totally forgetting that he was to serve Denethor until he was gently prompted by Denethor clearing this throat. With a blush Pippin hastily gathered food and drink and served them. While they ate he listened to Faramir’s report and could hardly contain his joy when he mentioned Sam and Frodo_

**Pippin**  – Excuse me but did you really see them? Were they okay? Did they mention me? I bet Frodo missed me… Will they return soon?

**Gandalf**  – Pippin be silent. This is not the place

**Pippin**  – Sorry. Sorry my lord

**Faramir**  -  _*laughs*_ yes you are not the first Halfling, or hobbit I have met. I saw two others in Ithlien and we spent time together before parting. I believe they are safe though I would not have chosen that route.

**Gandalf**  – I pray they got through before the storm hit

**Denethor**  – So am I to understand that you broke our law then let the enemy have our city that your brother so dearly won?

**Faramir**  – Father their numbers were too great! They struck hard almost as is provoked and we were beaten back. I chose to sound the retreat so we could strike another day

**Denethor**  – You chose wrong. You should have brought me the halflings and given your father a mighty gift! Instead you run home whimpering like a pup! Your brother would have taken it yes, and kept the city!

**Faramir**  – Respectfully I was following your orders father. As was he

**Denethor**  – Yes I hear you. I made this bitter cup and sip it. He was the best, strong and wise and I thought him better suited to the task. The more fool was I, if you had been gone it would have been better

**Faramir**  – You wish I had gone instead

**Denethor**  -  _*quietly*_  Yes I wish it so…

_Faramir flinches at this and Pippin angrily goes to speak out but Gandalf raises a hand and silences him_

**Gandalf**  – If it was his fate he would have died here, the arrow finding him no matter what

Pippin could no longer contain himself and interjected

**Pippin**  – Boromir died bravely, a hero! Do not shame him so! He saved us, he was the best fighter and the kindest person I know and he would never have approved of your _…*pippin is then shut up by Gandalf and Denethor seems to reflect on this*_

**Faramir**  -  _*slowly and sadly rises*_  Father as you have been robbed of Boromir I will do what I can in his stead

**Denethor**  – Take back Osgilith! Do what you must to prove you are his brother

**Faramir**  – As you wish. I’ll prepare

_With a bow Faramir leaves, Pippin watching him sadly. He was so out of it he jumped when Denethor called his name_

**Pippin**  –  _*timidly*_  Yes lord?

**Denethor**  – I fear you are not cut out to be a guard. So I have another position for you, you shall be my steward. Serve me my food, run errands and the like.

**Pippin**  – I would be honoured my lord! Thank you

**Denethor**  – yes you would be. Your uniform will be delivered tomorrow, come to me when you have it

**Pippin**  – Yes my lord, thank you again

**Gandalf**  – Come my lad, I’ll take you back

_As they leave Pippin waves to Beregond who returns it and turns to Gandalf_

**Pippin**  – Gandalf, I don’t think I’ll like the world of Men. It’s too cruel

**Gandalf**  – Yes. I’m not sure I like it either


	46. Pippins first day

_Pippin rushes to Denethor clad in his new uniform of black with silver chainmail and was told to wait outside the hall doors nearly running into Faramir when he arrives at the hall_

**Pippin**  – Oh sorry! I wasn’t looking where I was going!

**Faramir**  – It’s quite alright. Father has taken you as a steward I see

**Pippin**  – Yes, he said it’s a great honour but I’m not sure about it myself. I might mess up in front of him and ruin everything. Err can I ask you something?

**Faramir**  – Of course

**Pippin**  – Was Frodo okay? He’s never been on his own before and I worry about him

**Faramir**  – I see, fear not he was fine when we met. Samwise watches over him like a hawk

**Pippin**  – Oh good! I’ll bet they liked you a lot

**Faramir**  – Oh?

**Pippin**  – Yeah you’re a mix of Aragorn, Boromir and Gandalf the best humans they know! You’re a Aradmiralf? A Boragand? Or whatever

**Faramir**  -  _*laughs and shakes his head*_  You amuse me! Thank you for the compliment. You were close to Boromir?

**Pippin**  – Yeah! He would give me piggybacks when I was tired, tell me stories, sneak me snacks behind Aragorn’s back. He was fun to travel with. Great guy, I remember he used to play a game with Aragorn called “You’re not bloody king yet so shut up and help” That was funny

**Faramir**  – Yes he was  _*smiles sadly*_  and an even better brother

**Pippin**  – I still like he is alive! If anyone can pull that off it would be Boromir, even Aragorn admits he was cool

**Faramir**  – Aragorn?  Who is… Oh the bell, is my father ready to see me?

**Pippin**  – Technically yes, but GTW is in there now so you may wish to wait

**Faramir**  – Who?

**Pippin**  – Oh Gandalf. Sometimes I call him that to save time. Umm I… I just wanted to say, don’t be sad about you know. Everyone loves you here, they all say how great you are, even if my lord can’t currently see it.

**Faramir**  – I… Thank you, truly

**Pippin**  – Well I just had to say something. You and Boromir both have something about you that draws people in and makes them love you. Shall we go see if my lord and Gandalf have stopped arguing now?

 

_At Faramir’s nod they entered the room and as Denethor issue his orders to everyone but Pippin he reflected on the night before. He had thought that Gandalf would be mad at him for pulling such a stunt however he was not. He even seemed amused somehow so Pippin screwed up his courage and spoke_

**Pippin**  – Umm Gandalf? Are you mad at me?

**Gandalf**  – No, what you did was from the goodness of your heart. I cannot tell you off for being kind. But do be careful he is cold and will not hesitate to use you as he sees fit

**Pippin**  – I will. Why is he so cold? It seems to be more than just Boromir

**Gandalf**  – Indeed, his wife died and this turned him cold. Now all say that he is dead inside even his sons cannot stir him…

**?**  - Pippin? Someone shake the hobbit he’s lost to us…

_With a start Pippin realised that Denethor had been speaking to him, and found himself being shaken by Gandalf_

**Gandalf**  – Wake up lad

**Pippin**  – Umm my lord?

**Denethor**  – Welcome back. I asked if you had arranged for Faramir’s departure

**Pippin**  – Well I gave the notes to everyone like you asked? *Faramir smiles at him*

**Denethor**  – Well done. I have no further need for you today so you may take the afternoon for yourself

**Pippin**  – But what would everyone else have?

**Denethor**  -  _*stares blankly for a minute*_  I mean you are free to do as you wish this afternoon

**Pippin**  – Oh! Thank you lord *beams*

_Everyone is trying not to laugh aloud at this discussion causing of clearing of throats etc. and Denethor waved Pippin away and watched him run off_

**Denethor**  –Strange lad. Amusing though

**Gandalf**  – Yes I have often thought that everyone vastly unappreciated the humour value in hobbits, and that one is unique even among his own. They have a term used for Pippin, “Fool”

**Denethor**  – Yes it rather suits him

_Everyone laughs and nods_

_Pippin ran to find Beregond as he was the only human he knew outside of Gandalf and Faramir and was saddened to find he was on guard duty all day. Beregond was surprised to see Pippin sad and so told him to go and find his son Bergil who would be a willing companion. Pippin set off and descended into the city and met the boy at a well, taking an instant liking to him. He was pleased to find Bergil also felt this and they were soon fast friends. They strolled through the city talking until Bergil recalled that there was to be a procession of their allies this day and they ran off to gate a good position to watch. Pippin managed to get them into the lower city with the password – Which to be honest he had nearly forgotten – and they joined the cheering crowd. During the procession Bergil explained who everyone was to Pippin who was suitably impressed and enjoyed cheering and waving to everyone, nearly knocking over several people in his enthusiasm. Once the precession had ended the crowd seemed dismayed by the numbers but this was ignored by Pippin and Bergil as the boy was due to go home and Pippin was so hungry he thought his stomach was eating itself, it had been at least an hour since he had last ate! He hastily but honestly promised to meet up with the boy soon and left in search of a good meal. Or a decent snack at least_

_Pippin met Beregond and they dined together each filling the other in on their days and talking excitedly about who had arrived in the city with Beregond filling in a little of their history for Pippin. Afterwards Pippin went to Denethor to see what his orders were. Denethor bade him to rest and return the next day so Pippin went back to the house he shared with Gandalf, ate another meal and then slept deeply._

_For the next few days Pippin mostly ran errands and attended to Denethor at the council meetings where he grew to admire Prince Imrahil (Denethor’s nephew if you are interested) for his wisdom and often agreed privately with his advice – Not that he was ever asked for his opinion which often made the council chuckle. During one such meeting they were interrupted by the news that Osgilath was lost, causing Gandalf and Imrahil to run out to form a routing party._

_Denethor turned pale at the news and Pippin tried to give him a glass of wine but Denethor merely requested to be taken to his private chambers. Once Denethor had gone Pippin ran to watch from the walls_

**Pippin**  – On for the love of middle earth humans are such trouble! Always seem to be getting into some battle or whatever… But please let them all return safely!

_He watched as a line of the riders appeared fleeing the city, only just managing to stay together as darts and arrows flew among them and ring wraiths flew overhead on massive winged beasts Faramir was leading his men when he fell from the horse, and as one they turned around and rode for him pulling him onto another man’s horse. They again retreated and when things looked bleak Gandalf and Imrahil arrived driving the enemy back enough for a full retreat_

_Pippin raced for the main gate heart in his mouth and arrived to see Imrahil carrying Faramir with Gandalf leading them in. Gandalf spotted Pippin and sent him for the healers and they would meet them in the hall. Pippin quickly got the healers and stood by watching anxiously as they began to work. Denethor entered the hall almost running to his son and looking haggard. All colour leaked from his face when he saw Faramir and he swayed slightly. He watched the healers without expression and once they were done he ordered everyone out. Pippin left reluctantly and sat outside the hall facing the doors for hours in a silent vigil for his friend. He was so still that the guards on patrol nearly tripped up over him several times but he barely noticed. Finally Denethor opened the doors and Pippin staggered to his feet wincing as his bum has gone numb hours ago_

 

**Denethor**  – Peregrin? You stayed here? Why?

**Pippin**  – I am your man my lord. You may have needed me

**Denethor**  – I thank you. Please go fetch my servants for me

 

_Pippin was puzzled at Denethor’s expression and hastily got the servants, in such a rush he was actually pushing them along at one point then stood by as Denethor sent them for firewood and oil._

_Pippin thought this over and thought perhaps they needed to keep Faramir warm until the servants returned and were told to put the wood outside the house of the dead, coat it with oil then bring Faramir._

_Pippin openly wept at this and followed Denethor into the hall standing a little away so his master could grieve in private. The servants carried out Faramir and in the light Pippin saw that Faramir was breathing_

**Pippin**  – My lord! Please he lives

**Denethor**  – Ah Peregrin, I had not forgotten you. You have served me briefly but well and your service is now at its end. I release you from your oath. Go and die as you see fit

**Pippin**  – No! You can’t, we may well win this war! Gandalf…

**Denethor**  – Is a fool to believe we can win. It is better to die now as I chose than as HE bids. I have lost both of my son’s now and I refuse to lose anymore! You may go, die at Gandalf’s side if you so wish. I bid you well. Farewell Peregrin.

 

_Pippin watched in horror as he motioned the servants to pick up the stretcher bearing Faramir and carried him inside while Denethor bent to pick up a covered object Pippin had not noticed in his grief._

**Pippin**  – I have to stop this… I will stop this!

_Decided he turned and raced off looking for anyone to help him save Faramir’s life and yelled in relief when he spotted Beregond on duty at the gate_

**Pippin**  – Beregond! Oh thank the gods you must help me

**Beregond**  – Hello Pippin, you gave me quite the fright, what’s the matter?

**Pippin**  – Oh it’s terrible, I must find Gandalf now for they are taking Faramir into the house of the dead!

**Beregond**  – The what? Oh, oh okay. So he is dead then?

**Pippin**  – No he is alive but my lord has gone all weird and won’t believe it… He’s gone mad or something and is planning to burn both himself and Faramir alive. Please help me save them!! Please!

**Beregond**  – What!?! Gandalf… Yes he is in the lower city preparing for an attack but I cannot leave my post

**Pippin**  – I understand. I pray I am not too late, and thank you my friend!

_Beregond watches Pippin run off and stands toying with his sword for a moment before sighing and exclaiming loudly “Oh sod it… “And runs off towards the house of the dead. Or the Hallows as it was actually called according to the large sign on the side of the building_


	47. Boromir puts yet another "cunning" plan into action

_Boromir and Maúr left the tower early ignoring the hostile glares they received from the Orcs and quickly marched to pick up the mounts sent for them. As they walked Boromir silently congrateulates himself on his excellent plan to spread discord among the enemy’s troops and…_

**Boromir** – Gods damn it!

**Maúr** – What!?! What’s wrong?

**Boromir** – My bloody inner monologue has spelling mistakes!! I just spelt “congratulate” as “congrateulates” and that’s not even a thing!! I’ve been affected by the stupidity around me! How can I ever show my face now? I’ll have to go live in some hole in the ground out of shame now

**Maúr** – Umm you know no one would have known if you hadn’t just shouted it to the heavens…

**Boromir** – I’d have known. Dammit

**Maúr** – Is that why you have been glaring for the last mile? Thought perhaps I had upset you?

**Boromir** – _*Uncertainly*_ what no, no I just like … to spell? Correctly?

_Boromir then thinks “gods this cover is getting hard to keep up… They had better get here soon or I’d have gone mental!”_

**Maúr** – You know you have been acting really strange since Bill left. Like really smug. Really smug in fact. Really, really smug to the point of…

**Boromir** – Alright, I get your point! Jeez I must have lost control of my face! My beautiful face has betrayed me! Oh the horror!

**Maúr** – Umm…. _*Boromir grabs her shoulders and shakes her*_ Hey let go!

**Boromir** – I can’t! Oh the unmitigated horror of having ones beautiful face betray you! It can’t be borne! It’s the end for me!

**Maúr** – Oh stop being silly

**Boromir** – Oh you will never understand my pain, you with your goat features and all *looks back to see Maúr draw her weapon* Oh s**t I was just kidding! Don’t hit me I bruise easily, maybe! Ouch! Okay very funn… Ouch that hurts! For the love of Middle Earth put that sword down woman!

 

When they arrive at Mount Doom to swap out mounts Boromir is given a note from Bill and he hastily reads the below

 

**_Boreemy,_ **

**_Hey it’s Bill. We obviously it’s me, or perhaps not. I could just be a figment of your imagination! But more than likely I’m not. So what did I want to say…? Oh yeah! Spoke to the W/K and he is well on board for your plan and will drop the hate mail off when he gets the chance – he was a bit pissed at first but I think he is just jealous that he never thought to try it_ **

****

**_Well I got to go harass some stupid city that I can’t pronounce so I’ll catch you on my return_ **

****

**_Bill_ **

****

**_P.S.  Keep being awesome, B_ **

**_P.P.S. I made the letter look better, coz I can. B_ **

 

**Boromir** – Oh cool my plan is all coming together! Wait look better? What!?!

**Maúr** – What plan?

**Boromir** – Oh Hello. I had genius plan – I got bill to arrange for a hate mail letter to be sent to this Gandalf the White or whatever his name is and his ego would be so damaged that he will just give up

**Maúr** – Uh huh. Kinda a stupid plan, must be a guy thing

**Boromir** – Could be… but at least my attack on the enemy morale is going to plan

**Maúr** – Thought you said it was being delivered

**Boromir** – Yes and so far it’s going to plan

**Maúr** – I think you need a break Boreemy.

**Boromir** – Yes, as soon as this is all over I’m taking one

_They arrive at[Barad-dûr](http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/Barad-d%C3%BBr) and are met by Bill who has this huge grin on his face_

**Boromir** – Bill! What’s up my not-a-man-anymore?

**Bill** – Hey, Loving the new title!

**Boromir** – Good, good. So has the letter plan progressed further?

**Bill** – Oh man, you gotta ask the big guy himself. I ain’t spoiling this one

Bill walks off laughing and Boromir and Maúr exchange confused looks

**Maúr** – Let’s find the Witch king and see what’s going on

**Boromir** – I thought you said it was stupid?

**Maúr** – Oh it is, but it sounds like I may get a laugh out of this

**Boromir** – Let’s go report then go see the Witch king

 

_They hastily report their findings to Frank and go to find the Witch king who was in his rooms with a sniggering Bill_

**Boromir** – Hey man, thanks for offering to drop off the letter. How did it go?

**Witch king** – Funny you should ask… Did not go to plan exactly

**Boromir** – Really? What happened?

**Witch king** – Oh I’ll tell you what happened!

**Boromir** – No don’t say it!!

* * *

 

 

 -  _Flashback –_

_The Witchking prepares to attack Osgilath and checks that he has the letter. Perhaps some simple human could be entrusted with this task, which would save him time. Surely there was at least one trustworthy person around? He leads the attack and decides to ask the leader of this group of men as he has a trustworthy, but stupid face. The men call a retreat and the Witch king runs after them calling “excuse me can I talk to your leader?”  As the men ride away he sighs_

**Witch king** – Must not have heard me? Okay after them my fellow wraiths for we must accomplish this task

**Ringwraith** – But we captured the city already

**Witch king** – Yes I noticed that, thank you! We have to get one of these men to deliver a message

**Ringwraith** – Can’t we just use these dead ones?

**Witch** **king** – Oh my god! What is  wrong with you!?! Ugh let’s ride after them and you can stay far away from me…

_The ring wraiths soon catch up to the column of riders and the witch king looks for Faramir, finding him he flies just above him and calls down_

**Witch** **king** – Excuse me? You there, human leader person

**Faramir** – What is this wailing noise? Faster men!

**Witch** **king** – Yo, slow down! I need you to deliver this letter…

**Faramir** – Be gone foul beasts!

**Witch** **king** –Rude much? Look just tell me if you have seen this Gandalf person at least?

**Faramir** – Onwards men, we are within reach of our city!

**Witch** king – Oh come on, be a pal and… Oh no wait never mind there he is! Well thanks for your no help at all…

**Faramir** – Gandalf and Imrahil? Oh we are saved!

**Witch** **king** – Yeah great for you… Gandalf is it the fellow in white? I’ll go ask

_He flies towards Gandalf and co and when he is close enough he calls out_

**Witch** **king** – Excuse me, are you Gandalf? I have a letter for you…

_Or he tries to call this out but is interrupted by a blinding flash of light which panics his mount and he is sent cartwheeling into the sky_

_\- End flashback-_

 

* * *

 

**Boromir** -Too late…

**Witch king** – Is that usual for you?

**Boromir** – Happens enough that I can usually tell when it is starting… No idea what they are though

**Witch king** – Very annoying… Must be elf magic!

**Boromir** – Well for what it’s worth sorry he was so rude

**Witch king** – Yeah it was really bugging me and after much consideration I think most mortals can’t understand us.

**Boromir** – Well I can…

**Witch king** – Yeah but you’re one of us. But it does explain why that Fara whatever looked scared and confused

**Boromir** – Fara? Faramir? You saw him! Truly?

**Witch king** – Yeah could have been the name

**Bill** – All I know is he was running away but somehow still seeming manly when he was hit by a dart. Probably dead now poor guy. Or worse I hear that Lord Denethane or whatever is Loco!

**Boromir** – How dare you shoot my little Faramir! He is all that is good in this world and tries so hard to please a father who doesn’t care! Gods damn it now I have to go see if he’s okay!! Bloody typical

_With this Boromir storms out leaving the others staring after him_

**Maúr** – He’s got a lot on his mind…

**Bill** – I’ll say

**Witch king** – Better not let the Mouth hear him say stuff like that. He’s gunning for him as is

**Maúr** – I’ll go talk to him

 

_She finds Boromir angrily trying to speak to Frank and drags him off to a quiet spot on the wall_

**Maúr** – What’s up with you?

**Boromir** – I must find out if he is okay… He has to be okay

**Maúr** – Why are you so upset?

**Boromir** – He’s my goddamned brother of course I’m upset!

**Maúr** – Come again

**Boromir** – Oh yeah… I’m here aren’t I? I meant that I just admire him so much he feels like a brother to me, you know?

**Maúr** – Sure okay… Just keep this ranting away from the MOS because he will lock you up

**Boromir** – Yeah sure, Can you help me find out if he is okay? Please?

**Maúr** – Oh I don’t… _*she spots Boromir’s expression and changes her mind*_ Sure I’ll ask the Witch king to find out

**Boromir** – Oh thank you! Can we go now?

 

_They return to the Witch king and Bill and Boromir apologies for his outburst, and the Witch king says that he will deliver the letter and ask after Faramir when he attacks the city in a day or two_

**Witch king** – Oh do you think he will want to reply?

**Bill** – What?

**Witch king –** Do you think this Gandalf will want to reply to the letter? Because I don’t want to hang around waiting if he does…

**Bill** – It’s hate mail why would he reply!?!

**Witch king** – I am your boss you know…

**Bill** – Okay boss-dude, he will not reply. It’s all good

**Boromir** – Oh should we tell Sauron?

**Witch king** – No he’d only sulk that you never asked him, he has the biggest man crush on you

**Boromir** \- Really?

**Witch king** – Oh yeah. He hung the last little memo thing you sent him on the wall

**Boromir** – Oh wow…

**Bill** – Yeah! You are Boreemy king of cool! Writer of rude letter to stuck up wizards who stick their noses into other people’s wars!

**Boromir** – Sounds right! So do we have orders for tonight?

**Witch king** – Nah, just relax before the battle

**Boromir** – Cool. Hey how about we pull a prank on Sauron? Just as a last minute, bit of a laugh before we go to war sort of thing

**Bill** – Tell me more!

**Boromir** – How about we… we make fake battle plans and show them to Sauron – See if he bites!

**Bill** – Fake plans?

**Boromir** – Yeah like really stupid ones that would clearly make us lose.

**Witch King** – Count me out, I’ve got to sleep after my stressful day

 

_Boromir and Bill come up with a somewhat detailed but stupid plan and go to see Sauron. Boromir knocks and they are let in_

**Sauron** – Hey guys, what’s up?

**Boromir** – Nothing much, just came to see how you are, what the battle plans are looking like, you know the usual

**Sauron** – Battle plans?

**Bill** – Funny you should mention them! We put our heads together to see what we thought should happen and then thought we should show you, just in case

**Sauron** – okay leave it with me. Let’s go watch PV!

As they go to watch PV Bill turns to Boromir

**Bill** – So, he uh will be able to tell it’s a bad plan yes?

**Boromir** – oh yeah totally! You’d have to be an idiot to use our plan _*thinks to himself “Gods he had better use my freaking plan*_


	48. Race to save Faramir

_Pippin races to the courtyard and hears the warning bell toll, realising that the city is under attack and prays he reaches Gandalf in time to help. He arrives in the courtyard and spots Gandalf but freezes when the Witch king descends into the courtyard_

**Gandalf** – Be gone foul creature

**Witch king** – Rude much? You’re not the boss of me human. Oh wait you’re that Gandalf fellow aren’t you… Cool I have a letter here for you _*Starts searching his pockets*_

**Gandalf** – I shall not listen to Saruon’s filth

**Witch king** – Good coz I ain’t reading it to you, you got eyes don’t you. Here _*hold out letter*_

**Gandalf** – I shall not dirty my hands with anything of his

**Witch king** – It’s not from Sauron you know

**Gandalf** – Wait it’s not?

**Witch king** – Never said it was

**Gandalf** – Oh… Well I just assumed… You are his servant and…

**Witch king** \- and you’re judgemental. Great choice of a leader, he who assumes and judges people based on his opinion instead of the facts

**Gandalf** – Look I said I was sorry

**Witch** **king** – No you never

**Gandalf** – It was implied

**Witch king** – Gods Boreemy was right, you do suck! And take this damned letter my arms not stretching out to you for fun

**Gandal** f –Not touching it, go away ringwho…

**Witch king** – How dare you _! *he screams in rage causing all nearby to cover their ears and cry out in pain*_

**Gandalf** – Whoa calm down crazy!

**Witch king** – I hate you. More than anyone else. Take the damn letter so I can leave your company

**Gandalf** – Ugh fine I’ll take it. Hang on a mo while I put on some gloves

**Witch king** – What?

_Gandalf pulls on some gloves and takes the letter holding the corner between two fingers with a distasteful look on his face. He then turns to the nearest torch and burns the letter_

**Witch king** – What was that!?!

**Gandalf** – Never said I’d read it, just that I’d take it

_The witch king stands still in a moment in disbelief before taking flight muttering about damned rude wizards and wasted journeys._

**Gandalf** – Well… That doesn’t happen everyday

 

* * *

 

 

_Pippin stares for a minute before shaking his head and running up to Gandalf and pulls on his robe_

**Gandalf** – Pippin? Stop that this robe is expensive

**Pippin** – Umm sorry? Never mind that you must come now!

**Gandalf** – Well I do mind

**Pippin** – Gandalf Denethor has ordered himself and Faramir burnt alive in the hall of the dead! Is a robe more important that that!?!

**Gandalf** – Perhaps not. Also Pippin it’s not the hall of the dead it’s called the Hallows

**Pippin** – Whatever, we must hurry, Beregond was going to try to stop them but what can one man alone do?

**Gandalf** – A great deal from my experience. This is indeed a s***hole of a day. Shadowfax!! Come Pippin we will save the day in style

**Pippin** – Sure, as long as we actually save them

 

_They climb onto the horse and ride to the top level, encouraged at the sight of the unmanned gate. Here they dismounted and ran to the Hallows and found Beregond sword in hand at the door and two slain men at his feet. The last servants were cursing him while hanging back – in fact they were safely stood behind a pillar – while Denethor was heard calling for them to hurry from inside the Hallows_

**Beregond** – Pippin you found him! Hurry my friend, Faramir is inside and you must get to him

**Denethor** – What is the holdup? _*He appears in the doorway making Beregond jump*_ Ah so the footpad returns. Gandalf you will not take my last son from me. You stole his heart with gentle words, but I am his father  & his place is with me! _*motions to Beregond*_ see! You have even stolen my guards! Captain you are relieved. Now let us die in peace

**Gandalf** – Lord Denethor…

**Denethor** – No! I have seen his strength. We will die

**Gandalf** – Seen? Ah it is true. There were rumours of a planatir here

**Denethor** – Yes it is mine now. I saw my son’s fates

**Gandalf** – You cannot chose your sons fate for him, he loves you and deserves better. Let him recover

**Denethor** – He will not. Fire is in his blood and he burns already. All I can do now is burn with him

 

_With this Denethor pushes Beregond aside and grabs a torch from the servants who has crept forward as he spoke and as he did Pippin slipped past him and ran into the room. He spots Faramir placed on tomb with kindling around it and runs to him, grabbing his shirt and attempted to pull him away when Denethor grabs him and flung Pippin aside. Denethor turned and with an almost apologetic glance at pippin thrust the torch into the kindling then lay down beside his son with the Palantir held in his hands.  With a cry Pippin clambered to his feet and again grabbed Faramir this time succeeding in pulling him away from the flames, as Denethor half rose He was stopped from attacking them by Gandalf’s staff. Together Gandalf and Pippin drag Faramir outside and bid Beregond to look after him and they re-enter the Hallows to see Denethor’s robes smoulder_

**Pippin** – My lord, quick! Please get out of here

**Denethor** – No this is kinder. Farewell to you Peregrin and to my son. Please ask him to… No. Just farewell

 

* * *

 

 

_Pippin sobs as the smoke fills the room and they are forced to retreat, outside the faint sounds of screams seemed to haunt the courtyard and with a heavy sigh Gandalf told the servants to take Faramir to the house of healing and told Beregond to go with them to see that he was safe. At first they servants refused and called Gandalf all sorts of names until Beregond placed his hand on his sword, then a swift change came over them and they meekly obeyed. Beregond followed them out and after a moment Gandalf led Pippin away, guiding him as the hobbit was still crying. They found a quiet place to sit until Pippin could talk again_

**Pippin** – Gandalf why would he do this? Why cause such pain?

**Gandalf** – Lad I fear this was not Denethor’s will but Sauron.  Denethor was a strong man but I fear his use of the Palantir, and his using it more often since Boromir left corrupted his mind. All that effort to strengthen these walls and he got inside easily. Too easily.

**Pippin** – Poor Faramir, he is alone now

**Gandalf** – Perhaps not. Now go see to Faramir, you are now his page as he is steward now. Beregond will be the captain of his guard for his loyalty, he’s more than earned it. I must see to the battle now, be strong the worst is yet to come

_With that Gandalf strode off as Pippin rose_

**Pippin** – well that is not a comfort… Should have gone with Frodo and Sam I’ll bet they have it easy compared to me!


	49. Merry left behind and an unusual plan

_Days after his parting with Pippin and Gandalf Merry rode with Aragorn, listening with disbelief as Aragorn described Helms deep to him_

**Merry** – Is… Is this a city? It sounds amazing

**Aragorn** \- * _laughs_ * No it is a stronghold of Rohan named Helms Deep used only in times of war

**Merry** – I can see why! Wow I wish Pip had heard this. * _sighs_ * Do you think he will be safe?

**Aragorn** – He is with Gandalf, he will be just fine

**Merry** – Yeah but what about Gandalf?

**Aragorn** – On a long trip with Pippin, perhaps not…

**Merry** \- poor Gandalf… Still I will be pleased to have seen this Helms Deep place! It sounds very impressive, just by the size of it alone!

**Aragorn** – * _Mutters_ * my cities bigger

**Merry** – What?

**Aragorn** – Err… Never mind, it went over your head * _Chuckles_ *

**Merry** – Oh ha-ha. Incidentally where are we?

**Aragorn** – I believe this is the fords of the river Isen? Well it’s the only ford I can think of on our way anyhow…

**Merry** – Oh…

 

_They chose to camp at the fords for the night and were woken up by the guards, mentioning that a group of men glad in grey with hoods up were approaching and asking for Aragorn by name. They were brought before the king and Aragorn, while Legolas, Gimli, Merry and Éomer hung around not at all to interfere if they attacked but doing important tasks…_

**Gimli** – Well they don’t look too suspect do they…

**Aragorn** – Halbarad? Is it really you? What brings you here my friend?

**Gimli** – Annnd that figures… The weird but cool human knows more weird ones…

**Legolas** – Are there any humans who aren’t weird?

**Aragorn** – Shut it you two or you can go braid a beard or whatever it is you two do when not being useful

**Gimli** – Hey! A good battle braid takes two to prepare!

**Aragorn** – Lame. Now be silent or I’ll shave your beard off. _*Clears throat*_ So Halbarad, you were saying?

**Halbarad** – Greetings to you all. We were sent here by Elrond, on the advice of the Lady my friend. But we did not travel alone for Elladan and Elrohir also chose to accompany us. I apologise for such a small number of men to join you, only 30 men

**Aragorn** – I am truly touched, I thought you didn’t like me much?

**Elladan** – we are just taciturn. You’re okay for a human

_Elrohir grunts and nods at this_

**Aragorn** – Okay... Oh introductions! My lord this is Elladan and Elrohir sons of Elrond and the grey company who have the honour of being my kin

**Théoden** – So I hear. It is well! If these kinsmen be in any way like yourself, my Lord Aragorn, thirty such knights will be a strength that cannot be counted by heads. Welcome all to Rohan, I trust you had a safe trip?

**Elrohir** – Thank you lord. Our trip was uneventful. You truly have a lovely country and it was an honest pleasure to travel through it

_Éomer moves to stand by Aragorn as Elrohir is talking and when he is finished he nudges him_

**Éomer** \- Hey Aragorn, that’s how an self-introduction is done

**Aragorn** – Yeah whatever. Go… ride a horse

_They both chuckle and share a large grin_

**Éomer** – drinks later?

**Aragorn** – Gods yes

**Théoden** – Bromance moment over? Good. Sorry you were saying Lord Halbarad?

**Halbarad** – Just Halbarad if you please my Lord. And I was not saying anything of import, just that Rohan seems to have gotten even more beautiful since I last travelled here. Such a peaceful place

**Théoden** – Yes, now I think on it you do look familiar

**Halbarad** – We have all travelled through here many times my lord, I believe we have even fought together in your youth?

**Théoden** – Of course! Welcome back then my friend. Allow me to introduce my nephew and heir Éomer, he’s the lad currently eyeing you up over there. Éomer, be nice

**Éomer** – Yes uncle. And welcome to you strangers who snuck through all our defences

**Elladan** – We were actually let in…

**Elrohir** – and thank you. We had often heard of this place and long wanted to see it…

**Elladan** \- so we came along

**Éomer** – Oh that’s not creepy…

**Legolas** – I’m an elf who is related to them and even I think that’s creepy…

**Halbarad** – It’s why they do this. Aragorn, I have a message for you, may we speak later after you have rested?

**Théoden** – You may have him now, we have no need for him. Éomer take them to a tent where they can talk then go rest lad. Same goes for all of you, rest up, the sun will rise soon and we will be off to Helms Deep!

_Amongst the cheers for their king Éomer leads Aragorn, Halbarad and the sons of Elrond to Aragorn’s tent where he was passed on a message from Arwen, and Halbarad kneeling presented a gift for Aragorn,  a standard made by Arwen, which Aragorn asked Halbarad to keep for him for a while._

* * *

 

 

_They arrived at Helms deep – And Aragorn and Éomer got their drinks – then Aragorn, they grey company and the sons of Elrond went to a chamber high in the Hornburg to consult on what action to take next. Merry meanwhile had grown a deep respect for Théoden and approached him nervously_

**Merry** – Um my lord? If I could have a minute of your time?

**Théoden** – Of course, what can I do for you my friend?

**Merry** – Actually I was hoping I could help you lord, I mean I wish to join your service

_Merry kneels_

**Théoden** – You do? Then it shall be an honour to accept you. Rise Meriadoc Brandybuck as a man of Rohan

**Merry** – Thank you! I shall serve you well and with all my heart

**Théoden** – Of that there is no doubt. Come we shall explain your duties as we break our fast

**Merry** – I thought you’d never ask lord

_They both walk off laughing_

 

* * *

 

 

_Meanwhile Aragorn is currently banging his head softly on the table surrounded by the grey company and the sons of Elrond who are still trying to decide where to sit_

**Aragorn** – Can we get a move on? I’d like to start this war council sometime during this age

**Elladan** – Okay! So what is our plan?

**Aragorn** – Ugh again, we sent a hobbit bearing the ring to Mordor and to ensure he actually gets there we need to distract the evil overlord boss man. We just don’t know how to yet

**Elrohir** – I still can’t believe you let a hobbit simply walk into Mordor…

**Aragorn** – Well I was going to go with him but stuff happened and he ran off!

**Elrohir** – a wise choice no doubt.

**Aragorn** – I don’t need this man… So Sauron… Shall we oh I don’t know send him a rude letter or something?

**Elladan** – Isn’t that rather juvenile? Also how to deliver it. Not a feasible plan to me. However I may have an idea.

**Aragorn** – _*With his head still on the table he waves his hand in the air*_ go ahead

**Elladan** – Well the way I see it we need his attention away from Mordor so if we can provoke him he may well attack

**Aragorn** – okay attack where

_Elladan studies his hand for a moment_

**Aragorn** – Oh you can’t be… No, no way can we do this

**Elrodir** – yes if he attacks somewhere like say Gondor

**Aragorn** – No!

**Elladan** – Yes, it’s the closest and perhaps the only place that can withstand an attack

**Aragorn** – Hell no! It’s MY damn city, or it will be and I say no! We would never get there in time to help and many would die

**Elladan** – I believe the lady has a way around this… She said she gave you a message no?

**Aragorn** \- _*thinks hard*_ Nah it’s gone…

**Elladan** – Good thing I wrote it down

**Aragorn** – Oh damn it…

**Elladan** – She said “ ** _Where now are the Dunedain, Elessar, Elessar? Where do thy kinsfolk wander afar? Near is the hour when the lost should come forth, and the Grey Company ride from the North.  
But dark is the path appointed to thee: The Dead watch the road that leads to the Sea.”_**

**Aragorn** – Oh yeah I remember Gandalf or someone mentioning this, maybe

**Halbarad** – so we have our way to Gondor swiftly

**Aragorn** – We do? Oh … Aw man you mean the…

_The others nod_

**Aragorn** – With the wooo and everything?

_Again the others all nod_

**Aragorn** – But there’s bones and yuck everywhere and… Oh this is just great! I never seem to go anywhere nice lately… It’s all battles and dead guys

**Halbarad** – Now that’s decided, how do we distract him?

**Aragorn** – Are you all really sure you want to do this?

**Elladan** – It’s the only way

**Aragorn** – Ugh fine… But if I get stabbed in the back by a bunch of dead oath breakers I am holding each and every one of you personally responsible

**Elrohir** – I can live with that

**Aragorn** – Oh good. Since you all are so set on this madness why not use the palantir to get his attention

**Elladan** – Yeah sure. We need a way to ensure we have his full attention

**Aragorn** – Like a planatir…

**Elrohir** – Something he can’t ignore

**Aragorn** – Yeah like a palantir

**Halbarad** – Why do you keep bringing them up? They are all held by the servants of the enemy

**Aragorn** – So?

**Halbarad** – So we can’t get one easily

**Aragorn** – Yeah we can, just use the one I have

**Elladan** \- …

**Elrohir** \- …

**Halbarad** – I… Uh what?

**Aragorn** – Kinda took one off of Saruman when we broke his staff, well actually some woman threw it at Gandalf I think asking him to sign it or something. Then Gandalf gave it to me. And here we are, with me saving the day

_They all stare at him processing this_

**Aragorn** – This is where you say thank you

* * *

_Halbarad and Aragorn send the others out of the room while they discuss how best to proceed and cover their faces. Aragorn then picks up the palantir and before long sees a face_

**Sauron** – Hello Saruman? Bored of the many colours again I see… Some people

**Aragorn** – No I am…

**Sauron** – Wait you’re not Saruman!

**Aragorn** – Yeah I know…

**Sauron** – Well where is he? He is way overdue on his progress report you know!

**Aragorn** – Well I assume at Isenguard or Orthanc if you prefer

**Sauron** – I do prefer! But what do you mean assume?

**Aragorn** – Well when last I checked he was surrounded by water, Ents and caves he’s drown in if he attempted to leave. Doubt he has many escape options left to him

**Sauron** – Oh wonderful and I’ll bet he wants me to bail him out… Thanks for the update I guess

**Aragorn** – Hang on!

**Sauron** – What now? I’m very busy planning a world conquest you know, takes a lot to expand an empire

**Aragorn** – Yeah boo-hoo. _*Clears throat and pulls off his hood*_ Sauron, I Aragorn son of Gondor do vow that we will defeat you in battle and totally make you cry. Your time is up evil fiend

**Sauron** – Sorry who?

**Aragorn** – I am Aragorn son of Arathorn and Isildur’s heir! Do you recognise this? _*Holds up his sword*_

**Sauron** – Well yeah it’s a sword. I have plenty of my own

**Aragorn** – This sword is special! It is the sword that was used to sever your fingers and take your ring, remade

**Sauron** – Oh it is. Okay what’s your point?

**Aragorn** – What you don’t get it?

**Sauron** – Yeah you’re the offspring of a dead grave robbing thief with a “remade” sword. Good for you

**Aragorn** – Missed my point there I think. I am the heir to the crown and will be the 26th King of Arnor, and the 35th King of Gondor and first High King of Gondor and Arnor when I unite them at least. I will defeat you and take my crown and get the girl as is my right

**Sauron** – And how will you defeat my vast, vast army?

**Aragorn** – Given that some thought. A. I’m incredibly handsome, B. I’m the good guy and C. Thought I’d use your ring _*smirks*_

_All was silent then_

**Sauron** – No you don’t have it a hobbit has

**Aragorn** – He gave it to me

**Sauron** – Not possible. I’m hunting that hairy bastard down relentlessly so how could he have given it to you, plus it kinda entrances people so…

**Aragorn** – And yet I have it. He gave it to me as a gift freely, of his own will so I could defeat you.

**Sauron** \- …. Gotta go

_As Sauron hangs up they hear “Fraaaank! I need help! Come save me!!”_

 

**Aragorn** – Well no idea if that worked or who Frank is. Do you think it went well?

**Halbarad** – As well as expected

**Aragorn** – Oh good. Now to rush into a death-trap to try and save Minas Tirth from an attack that I, the future king just caused. What could go wrong, oh wait EVERYTHING. Everything could go wrong

**Halbarad** – You should probably not admit our part in things until after we save the day

**Aragorn** – Oh I’m never telling anyone about this. The ghost of Boromir would kill me…


	50. Aragorn’s Journey

_Théoden was preparing to leave the Hornburg for Edoras and was just discussing Merry’s sudden decision to view Théoden as a father figure and what to give him as a gift to thank him when Merry wandered up causing them to change the subject and agreed to go get something to eat before they left. They talked then together as they ate, until presently Éomer spoke._

**Éomer** \- It is near the hour that we set for our going, lord, Shall I bid men sound the horns? But where is Aragorn? His place is empty and he has not eaten

**Théoden** \- We will make ready to ride, but let word be sent to the Lord Aragorn that the hour is nigh

_Théoden and Merry went to join the men gathered – The Riders were assembling on the green. Many were already mounted. It would be a great company; for the king was leaving only a small garrison in the Burg, and all who could be spared were riding to Edoras. A thousand spears had already ridden away during the night but still there would be some five hundred more to go with the king they were mostly men from the fields and dales of Westfold. The rangers were sat separate from the riders, all glad in plain cloaks of grey with a silver broach shaped like a rayed star and armed with swords, bows and spears. The horses were all proud looking and strong but rough haired and Aragorn’s own horse Roheryn had been brought with them from the north. The riders seemed interested in them but good manners prevented them from being too nosy._

_Presently Théoden_ _mounted his horse, Snowmane, and Merry sat beside him on his pony called Stybba. Éomer and Aragorn came out of the gate followed by the sons of Elrond and Halbarad who was bearing a great staff wrapped in black. As they got close Merry was staring at Aragorn_

**Merry** – Aragorn what happened to you? You look simply awful!

**Aragorn** – Gee thanks Merry… I’ve had a god awful night and that just makes it better!

_Aragorn moved so he was standing by the king’s horse_

**Aragorn** \- I am troubled in mind, lord, I have heard strange words, and I see new perils far off. I have laboured long in thought, and now I fear that I must change my purpose. Tell me, Théoden, you ride now to Dunharrow, how long will it be ere you come there?

**Théoden** – Uh what’s wrong with you? I have literally never heard you speak like this?

**Aragorn** – Sorry long night… When will you get to Dunharrow and ride to the aid of Gondor?

**Éomer** – It’s a full hour past noon so we will arrive at Edoras at… Yeah should be about 3 days before we can ride out at full strength

**Aragorn** – What 3 days? Yeah I can work with that. This is where I will need to take my leave my Lord, we must take a different path much as I wish it wasn’t so… For me the time of stealth has passed. I will ride east by the swiftest way, and I will unwillingly take the Paths of the Dead.

**Éomer** – Hah Think I misheard you there…

**Aragorn** – Noooope. This is where I must go apparently to add drama

**Théoden** – The paths of the Dead? Why do you speak of them!?!

_Merry looked around and saw that the faces of the men had all turned pale_

**Théoden** – If there is truth in those paths then the gate will be in Dunharrow, but no living man may cross it

**Aragorn** – Yeah but I still need to try it

**Éomer** – Alas my friend! I had hoped that we would ride into battle together, but if you insist on going there our parting has come, and you’re very unlikely to be seen under the sun. Coz you’re be dead. Like really, really dead.

**Aragorn** – Vote of confidence there… And just for that we will definitely meet in battle should all the hordes of Mordor stand in between us!

**Théoden** – You will do as you will Lord Aragorn. It is your doom maybe to tread paths that others would not dare to take. This parting grieves me and lessens our strength but now I must take the mountain roads and cannot delay any longer. Farewell my friend and I pray we meet again

**Aragorn** \- Farewell, lord! Ride to great renown! Farewell, Merry! I leave you in good hands, better than we hoped when we hunted the orcs. Legolas and Gimli will still hunt with me, I hope but we shall not forget you

**Merry** – Goodbye

_As they parted Merry wished more than even that he had Pippin and his unquenchable cheerfulness and that they stopped with this standing around swapping depressing words and just ride off and get on with things._

 

* * *

_They watched them ride off and Aragorn turned to Halbarad_

**Legolas** – Umm excuse me! I’ve been wondering this for a while… Can someone tell me why the chapter title is only about Aragorn?

**Aragorn** – Well it IS my journey to becoming king of Gondor so…

**Gimli** – So what? We are here too you know!

**Aragorn** – Well I can’t really help that can I? I didn’t name it!!!

**Gimli** – So you say….

**Aragorn** – Guys can we discuss this later? We look stupid standing here arguing about something no one else would understand….

**Halbarad** – Moving forward from this idiocy could we please get on with this sometime today? We are on kind of a tight schedule after all

**Legolas** – Fine let’s go… But this is not the last you have heard about this

**Aragorn** – Awesome. *sighs* There goes three that I love, the smallest not the least, he knows not to what end he rides; yet if he knew, he still would go on

**Gimli** – Gay…

**Aragorn** – Shut it Dwarf!

**Halbarad** \- A little people, but of great worth are the Shire-folk. Little do they know of our long labour for the safekeeping of their borders, and yet I grudge it not.

**Aragorn** \- And now our fates are woven together, and yet, alas here we must part. Well, I must eat a little, and then we also must hasten away. Come, Legolas and Gimli! I must speak with you as I eat

**Legolas** – Why are you talking like this? It’s weird!

**Aragorn** – I’m trying to be more kingly so get used to it

**Legolas** – Oh great… Must be a human thing

**Gimli** – Hush elf, insult him after the food!

_Aragorn ate a little but mostly stared gloomily into nothing until Legolas slapped him on the back, hard_

**Legolas** – Come, tell us what’s wrong?

**Aragorn** – Okay ouch!! _*sighs*_ I may have accidently caused an issue by using the Palantir and now we have to rush to Gondor to aid them

**Gimli** – You looked into that accursed stone? Did you say anything to… Him? Even Gandalf feared such an encounter!

  **Aragorn** – Have you forgotten who I am!?! Did I not loudly proclaim my title at the doors of Edoras? What could I have possibly said to him to make things worse!?! All I did was tell him some stuff to distract him and I may have hung up on him. What I mean the stones technically belong to me so I judged it that I had both the right and strength to use them as I wished. And I was right, just barely, but I was right!

**Gimli** \- But he wields great dominion, nonetheless, and now he will strike more swiftly.

**Aragorn** – Well they say the hasty stroke goes often astray, we must press our Enemy, and no longer wait upon him for the move. See my friends, when I had mastered the Stone, I learned many things. A grave peril I saw coming unlooked-for upon Gondor from the South that will draw off great strength from the defence of Minas Tirith. If it is not countered swiftly, I deem that the City will be lost before ten days have passed

**Legolas** – Wait… How did you master the stone?

**Aragorn** – I used my great skill of course

_Legolas and Gimli stare at him_

* * *

**Aragorn** – Fine! I checked the message function… He had been sending lots of picture and video messages to Saruman. You could have let me look good there you know

**Legolas** – Yeah right. What do we do now and does it involve the paths of the dead thing you all were talking about earlier?

**Aragorn** – You heard that!?!

**Legolas** – Well you were all shouting so yes… What are they?

**Gimli** – It is an ill name, and didn’t sit well with the Men of Rohan I noticed. What are the chances that we will make it through there alive? Because just from the name I am sure we will all die… and even if we don’t then how much help can we really be with so few people?

**Aragorn** – Well technically the living have never used that road since the coming of the Rohirrim, for it is closed to them. But in this dark hour the heir of Isildur may use it, if he dare. As you may recall the sons of Elrond brought me a message from their father in Rivendell, and you know he is the wisest in lore:  _Bid Aragorn remember the words of the seer, and the Paths of the Dead_.

**Legolas** \- And what may be the words of the Seer? And who is the Seer?

**Aragorn** \- Thus spoke Malbeth the Seer, in the days of Arvedui, last king at Fornost, **_over the land there lies a long shadow, westward reaching wings of darkness. The Tower trembles; to the tombs of kings doom approaches. The Dead awaken; for the hour is come for the oath breakers; at the Stone of Erech they shall stand again and hear there a horn in the hills ringing. Whose shall the horn be? Who shall call them from the prey twilight, the forgotten people? The heir of him to whom the oath they swore. From the North shall he come, need shall drive him: he shall pass the Door to the Paths of the Dead._**

****

**Gimli** – Dark words indeed, but this does not tell me why this dwarf must risk his arse in some dangerous mission. But it does sound interesting so I’m in!

**Legolas** – as am I, I do not fear the dead

**Gimli** \- I hope that the forgotten people will not have forgotten how to fight, otherwise don’t I see why we should trouble them

**Aragorn** – me too but we shall find out if ever we come to Erech, but the oath that they broke was to fight against Sauron, and they must fight therefore, if they are to fulfil it. For at Erech there stands yet a black stone that was brought, it was said, from Númenor by Isildur; and it was set upon a hill, and upon it the King of the Mountains swore allegiance to him in the beginning of the realm of Gondor. But when Sauron returned and grew in might again, Isildur summoned the Men of the Mountains to fulfil their oath, and they would not: for they had worshipped Sauron in the Dark Years. ‘Then Isildur said to their king: _“Thou shalt be the last king. And if the West prove mightier than thy Black Master, this curse I lay upon thee and thy folk: to rest never until your oath is fulfilled. For this war will last through years uncounted, and you shall be summoned once again ere the end.”_ And they fled before the wrath of Isildur, and did not dare to go forth to war on Saruon’s part; and they hid themselves in secret places in the mountains and had no dealings with other men, but slowly dwindled in the barren hills. And the terror of the Sleepless Dead lies about the Hill of Erech and all places where that people lingered. But that way I must go, since there are none living to help me right now

**Gimli** – You are just a walking history lesson today maybe you need some sleep?

**Aragorn** – Shut up and get ready to go To the Stone of Erech! I seek the Paths of the Dead. Come with me who will, except Halbarad and the Sons of Elrond who I will bloody well force to join me in this stupid plan

_Rolling their eyes Legolas and Gimli got up and followed Aragorn through the door to get ready to face whatever came next_


	51. Path of the Dead

_Legolas and Gimli rose and followed Aragorn from the hall. On the green waited, the hooded Rangers still and silent which worried Gimli immensely. Legolas and Gimli mounted while Aragorn sprang upon Roheryn to show off for his friends and anyone who was looking at him. Halbarad lifted a great horn, and the blast of it echoed in Helm’s Deep; and with that they leapt away, riding down the Coomb like thunder while all the men that were left on Dike or Burg stared in amazement and not a little confusion. And while Théoden went by slow paths in the hills, the Grey Company passed swiftly over the plain, and on the next day in the afternoon they came to Edoras; and there they halted only briefly intending to ride on and arrive at Dunharrow before night fell._

_They were met by the Lady Éowyn who didn’t conceal her pleasure in seeing Aragorn quite as well as she thought she had_

**Éowyn** – My lord you return! Do you have news of my kin? Oh you look tired, you all do please come in and rest

_They entered the hall and as they ate informed her of all that had happened in their absence and at the discussion of the battle at helms deep her eyes shone at the tales of bravery. After a while she recalled herself and spoke_

**Éowyn** – My lords, you all seem so tired, please rest here until my king returns

**Aragorn** – Thank you for the offer but we must be off, I have a tight time restriction on this trip

**Éowyn** – No, no I insist! You must at least stay one night

**Aragorn** – Well… What do you guys think?

**Gimli** – I think I want a long while before I climb onto that horse again…

**Aragorn** – Well… Okay but Lady we are on a most urgent mission and must leave at daybreak

**Éowyn** – Oh good! It was most kind of you to ride here just to tell me about my uncle

**Aragorn** – Yeah, who could call such a trip wasted? _*looks at Legolas who rolls his eyes*_ and yet truthfully it was sort of on our way to Dunharrow so we decided to swing on by

**Éowyn** – Well that makes no sense, there are no roads out of the Harrowvale

**Aragorn** – Sadly there is one, the paths of the dead

_Éowyn turned pale and stared at Aragorn for a few minutes_

**Aragorn** – Wow you look just like your brother when you do that

**Éowyn** – Umm thanks? Is it your wish to seek death for none who have walked that path have survived. The dead do not suffer the living to pass

**Aragorn** – Well they will let ME past, or rather I intend to see that they will. No other path will do for my purpose

**Éowyn** – This is madness! These brave men you would lead into darkness never to be seen again at a time when men are needed for war? Please stay and instead ride to war with my uncle!

**Aragon** – I personally would like to, but we still need to follow this path. Stupid as it seems

 

_Éowyn sat in silence for the rest of the meal and afterwards she asked to speak to Aragorn alone as she wished to join them._

_Normally I would show this conversation but Aragorn has insisted we do not because the others would tease him mercilessly if they knew about it. Needless to say he did not agree to bring Éowyn with them and frankly fled to him room muttering about impatient and pushy women._

* * *

_The next day Éowyn tearfully saw them off and Aragorn still had to endure teasing but not nearly as much and would have occurred had the conversation been shown, and in revenge he pushed them hard. They soon arrived at the Dimholt and rode up the path to Dunharrow, through trees that even Legolas could not stand to be under until they came to the opening at the mountains foot with a giant rock placed like a warning finger_

**Gimli** – Well! That’s not too ominous is it!

**Legolas** – Scared?

**Gimli** – Hells yes, have you looked around lately?

 

_The horses would not pass through the opening until the riders dismounted and coaxed them through and they stood in the Glen at last looking at a massive wall of stone with the Dark Door gaping at them, everyone felt very afraid except Legolas for the ghosts of men did not scare him, or so he said._

**Gimli** – You know, if I wanted to stop the living from coming into my halls then I’d have a door just like this one. It just screams enter and die doesn’t it?

**Halbarad** \- This is an evil door, and my death lies beyond it. I will dare to pass it nonetheless; but no horse will enter

**Aragorn** – Well they have to, we can’t exactly run to Gondor can we. Let’s get this stupidity over with shall we… Gods I wish I was King of another kingdom right now…

_One by one they entered the horses resisting until the riders calmed them and led them through, Legolas taking special care to calm the Rohan horse Arod led him in last leaving Gimli stood alone outside_

**Gimli** – Well this is unheard of, an Elf dare tread where a dwarf will not… I’ll never live this down! Oi elf… Wait for me

 

_Aragorn had brought torches from Edoras and he walked in front holding one aloft while Elladan walked in the rear with the other. Gimli almost ran to overtake him and all they could see were the flickering torches but they seemed to be surrounded by whispering voices speaking in a tongue that none of them had heard before. Legolas seemed to be the least affected which displeased Gimli who felt that if a Dwarf had enough sense to be uncomfortable underground then an elf should be as well, even more so perhaps. Their progress was hindered when they came across a skeleton clad in tarnished mail slumped in front of a door, with a broken sword beside him on the floor. The door had slight marks the only tribute to his attempts to open it_

 

**Legolas** – It looks like his legs are broken? The poor man

**Halbarad** – This must be Baldor, son of Brego. A truly horrific death

**Gimli** – I agree, to die alone in the dark…

**Legolas** – You’re a dwarf, are you not always in darkness?

**Gimli** – Hells no, our halls are flooded with light

**Aragorn** \- *mutters* couldn’t have found another route, oh no let’s all go into the death trap

**Halbarad** – Pardon?

_Aragorn stares at the skeleton then sighed heavily_

**Aragorn** \- Hither shall the flowers of simbelmynë come never unto world’s end, nine mounds and seven there are now green with grass, and through all the long years he has lain at the door that he could not unlock. Whither does it lead? Why would he pass? None shall ever know!

_*Aragorn suddenly looked up and began to speak loudly*_ for that is not my errand! Keep your hoards and your secrets hidden in the Accursed Years! Speed only we ask. Let us pass, and then come! I summon you to the Stone of Erech!

_This was met by a dead silence somehow more deafening than if words has been spoken and a chill wind gusted through them suddenly causing the torches to go out and would not be rekindled. Resigned to grope about in the dark they pressed on somehow aware of being followed through none dared to look behind them. Just as they felt despair at never leaving this place the most lovely sound was heard, the tinkling of water and soon light grew around them until they could see again and they passed through a gateway leading to a road between steep cliff faces, they were so deep that it appeared to be night. They hurriedly rode along the path and Legolas looked behind he became excited to see that Elladan may be the last person in their company to ride out however he was followed_

**Legolas** – The dead, the dead are following!

**Elladan** – Yes the dead ride behind us, they have been summoned

**Gimli** – Well that was the whole bloody point of this insanity!!

**Legolas** – Is your voice higher than normal?

**Gimli** – No…shut up

 

_They rode towards the Stone of Erech with the horde of the dead behind them, never overtaking or surrounding them until they reached the plains, a lush vale lay before them rich and fertile_

**Gimli** – Where in Middle earth are we?

**Elladan** – We have descended from the uprising of the Morthond, the long chill river that flows at last to the sea that washes the walls of Dol Amroth. You will not need to ask hereafter how comes its name: Blackroot men call it

**Gimli** – Comforting….

**Aragorn** – Okay listen up we must ride and reach the Stone of Erech before the days end or we are in trouble, so Ride swiftly!

 

_They rode along the road and across a bridge into a nearby town where every door was slammed shut and all lights put out. So great was the fear of the dead in this place that the same thing happened in every village they passed through and all men shivered in terror as the dead rode through. It was just before midnight when they reached the stone and Aragorn quickly dismounted_

**Aragorn** – Phew made it! So how do we do this?

**Halbarad** – I have no idea… Talk to them?

**Aragorn** – Oh so much help you all are… I, I should do this in a kingly Voice yes?

**Halbarad** – Yeah.

**Aragorn** \- _*clears throat then cries out in a great voice*_ Oath breakers, why have ye come?’

_A voice was heard out of the night that answered him, as if from far away causing many to start_

**Voice** \- To fulfil our oath and have peace

**Aragorn** \- The hour is come at last. Now I go to Pelargir upon Anduin, and ye shall come after me. And when all this land is clean of the servants of Sauron, I will hold the oath fulfilled, and ye shall have peace and depart for ever. For I am Elessar, Isildur’s heir of Gondor.

 

_With that Halbarad unfurled the wrapped gift and held it aloft – It was a standard which no one could see as it was black and shown in the dark of midnight but a silence crashed down on them which they took as assent._

**Aragorn** – Now let us rest. Tomorrow we will ride out

**Legolas** – Aragorn? Did you expect them to reply?

**Aragorn** – No, no I did not. Damn near had a heart attack when they did…

* * *

_When dawn came they rode out towards the ports of Pelargir arriving to see a fleet of Corsairs of Umbar docked. Aragorn lead the charge and the armies of the dead were imposing enough that many fled before being engaged in battle drowning in the water to everyone’s disappointment_

_Aragorn gave a stirring speech and the slaves aboard joined his cause along with some local men. Aragorn then freed the ghosts much to everyone’s relief and they prepared to set sail._

_Gimli then approached Aragorn with a strange look_

**Gimli** – Aragorn?

**Aragorn** – Yes?

**Gimli** – Don’t you think you should have kept the undead?

**Aragorn** – No way to creepy… Wait do you?

**Gimli** – Little bit, they were good fighters for dead guys after all. Plus it was funny seeing Legolas trying to communicate with them

**Aragorn** – Tell me about it! But I promised to free them

**Gimli** – Well yes but you said “After this land is freed of Saruon’s slaves” Which technically means middle earth not this one town

**Aragorn** – I… Goddamn why didn’t you tell me this earlier!?! No wonder they looked so confused!

**Gimli** – You were busy giving speeches plus I was busy watching the elf…

**Aragorn** – Umm why?

**Gimli** – He was looking at the water like he was in love with it and as I was still on horseback him so…

**Aragorn** – Okaaaay then… better keep an eye on him just in case. Don’t need any more issues really

**Gimli** – Got it

**Legolas** – Hey Aragorn, these boats are ready let’s go!

**Aragorn** – On my way

_Aragorn then turns to Gimli and mouths “watch him closely” To which the dwarf nods_

**Gimli** – Well this might suck a little less than the creepy death palace… But I doubt it….

**Legolas** – Gimli come on or you’ll be left behind

**Aragorn** – Yeah move it

 

_Gimli walks after them muttering “Gods I wish they would leave me behind. Should have gone with Merry”_


	52. Théoden prepares for war

_Now all roads were running together to the East to meet the coming of war and the onset of the Shadow. And even as Pippin stood at the Great Gate of the City and saw the Prince of Dol Amroth ride in with his banners, the King of Rohan came down out of the hills_

**Merry** – Wow very poetic but who is Pippin watching and does someone need to stop him?

**Éomer** – So… Does this voice talking from nowhere thing happen often with you guys?

**Merry** – Well yeah, it doesn’t for you?

**Éomer** – No. Not ‘til we met you all anyhow

**Merry** – Weird! Wonder why

_Ahem! As I was saying The Rohirrim rode hard until night was falling when Théoden slowed down. Merry had been staring in awe at the country around him and wishing that Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf and Pippin were there with him when with a start he realised that he had forgotten Frodo and Sam! He then spent the rest of the trip cursing himself as a terrible friend. They arrived at Edoras only a day after Aragorn’s company and were greeted by Éowyn who Théoden and Éomer were concerned to see looked so disheartened._

**Théoden** – Éowyn sister daughter, tell me what news burdens you so? Has lord Aragorn arrived? I had hoped to meet him here and talk him out of his mad plans…

**Éowyn** – Welcome home uncle. I am sorry to say Lord Aragorn has passed out of the reach of mortal men

**Éomer** – What do you mean sister?

**Éowyn** – They arrived yesterday, I questioned them hoping for news of you  & he told me that he had left you to go on a “Mission critical path to save Gondor” Whatever that means… He planned to travel the paths of the dead and I was unable to stop him

**Éomer** – Alas he wouldn’t listen to us either

**Théoden** – So he is lost to us. Such a pity

**Merry** – Excuse me my lord, but can someone please tell me where my friends have gone? No one else will speak of it to me

**Théoden** – My apologies Merry, I forgot you are not from these parts! Long ago the Druédain of the hills swore an oath of allegiance to Isildur to fight Sauron but secretly they worshipped him and broke their oath. They fled to the hills to escape Isildur’s wrath and were cursed to never leave the hills until one of his kin released them from their vow. As they years passed their halls turned into their graves  & my ancestors named it the paths of the dead. Only one mas has ever dared to attempt to enter the halls and he was lost to us. Since then we leave it well alone

**Merry** – Oh I see, as Aragorn is Isildur’s heir and the rightful king of Gondor He should be okay providing he released them from the oath? Also, how many times have I heard that phrase to say it without thinking?

**Éomer** – I’m sure he will be… He’ll be fine. Perhaps a little dusty and cobwebby but fine overall

**Merry** – Oh no! He’s not terribly fond of spiders, something to do with Mirkwood or something…Where ever it is Legolas comes from

**Théoden** – Yes that would be Mirkwood, Merry lad please fetch my Marshall’s we need to prepare for the muster. Thank you

**Merry** – Of course my lord!

_Merry runs off and as he passes Éomer ruffles his hair_

**Éomer** – He’ll go far in the world that lad

**Éowyn** – Umm who is this boy Uncle? And has Éomer adopted him?

**Éomer** \- _*laughs*_ no, no. Although…. _*Ahem*_ He’s a new servant for our uncle, travelled with Aragorn’s company for a while and pledged his sword to our Uncle from love of him. You’ll like him

**Éowyn** – So it seems, Brave lad indeed

**Éomer** – He is. Now Éowyn, sister mine?

**Éowyn** – _*suspiciously*_ Yes?

**Éomer** – I’m hungry is their food ready in the hall?

**Éowyn** – Go look…

**Théoden** – Now, now children play nicely _*he chuckled and walked into the hall*_

**Éomer** – But I’ve been riding all day and all you have done in unsuccessfully try to dissuade our friends from certain death… Ouch! Okay…. Ouch! Gods dammit woman stop hitting me!!

 

* * *

 

 

_The word was swiftly sent out for the muster and Théoden prepared his people for war. The meeting place was set near Dunharrow and soon a camp was set up. One night a rider was brought to Théoden_

**Théoden** – Welcome stranger, what is your business here?

**Rider** – Thank you Lord, I am Hirgon of Gondor bearing a message from Lord Denethor. He commanded me to give you this and to tell you that Lord Denethor asks for all your strength and all your speed lest Gondor should fall at last!

_He holds out a cloth covered object and uncovers it_

**Théoden** – A red arrow. _*Sighs heavily*_ Are things so dire?

**Hirgon** – My lord believes they will be

**Théoden** – I see. _*He paused then continued*_ At least you can give him some comfort in telling your lord we ride in three days’ time to his aid. We shall not let you stand alone

**Hirgon** – I thank you, but I fear it may be too late lord.

**Théoden** – Even so we cannot leave any earlier. We have fought our own battles and my men are weary. Even if it is only to disturb the carrion pickers we will be there

**Hirgon** – Ah yes, I heard of your battles lord, alas poor Hama! He was a good friend of mine. Nevertheless, I shall tell my lord you will ride and pray that I am wrong. Farewell and travel safe **Théoden** king

**Théoden** – Travel well my friend.

_Éomer saw Hirgon out and returned to Théoden’s side_

**Éomer** – Uncle, May I ask you a question?

**Théoden** – Of course, what is it sister-son?

**Éomer** – In this battle we can send 6000 riders correct?

**Théoden** – Yes that is correct

**Éomer** – Right well by my calculations in our own battle to protect our lands and king we only had 3000 men… So where have the other men come from?

**Théoden** – I… Wait you’re right? Narrator person can you explain this?

**Narrator** – Umm Let’s see… It says here that men were called from all over Rohan

**Éomer** – Yeah and where were they before? You know when we were defending our country?

**Narrator** – Not a clue… Best to just let sleeping dogs lie

**Éomer** – If I survive this I intend to investigate this….

 

* * *

 

 

_Éowyn and Merry arrived at the camp the next day and went straight to Théoden to see what they could do to help. They were told that they were to be left behind to run Rohan in Théoden’s absence. Éowyn took this badly and begged her uncle to take her with him falling to her knees in grief when her request was refused although Théoden was gentle as he did this and Éowyn became greatly distressed and quickly left. Merry watched as they men sighed visibly upset and with tact and caution approached them_

**Merry** – Théoden king? My King please let me go with you, all my friends have gone to this war in one way or another and I should be ashamed to be left behind.

**Théoden** – Ah my lad this is a brave offer, but your pony cannot keep up with our warhorses and I cannot burden a warrior with you, so I must leave you here. Protect my people in my absence and you shall have nothing to be ashamed of

**Merry** – Please don’t leave me behind, not again!

_Merry’s eyes fill with tears and Éomer kneels in front of him and grasps his shoulder_

**Éomer** – Merry do not fear, we shall be parted but briefly. We are not leaving you behind but asking you to protect those who cannot protect themselves, like a rear-guard do you understand?

**Merry** – Yes Éomer. I’ll do it

**Théoden** – Well said. Farewell Merry Lad, we shall return soon to hear some more of your tales, nothing is recent years has lifted my spirts more than those

**Éomer** – Indeed! Be well my friend

**Merry** – Farewell and please come back safely. I’ve lost too many friends and as it

_Éomer ruffles his hair as he passes, and Théoden clasps his shoulder_

**Théoden** – Gods be willing we will return unharmed. Farewell man of Rohan

 

_Merry watched them go and sighs heavily before wandering off. He kicked a stone and reflected that it seems everyone underestimated him. How could they promise to take care in a battlefield? Although to be honest the only true battle Merry had ever seen had been waged by giant vindictive trees… But still the concept is sound. He was suddenly startled by a hand on his shoulder_

**Merry** – Oh gods alive, you scared me! Sorry if I hit you with that stone that I kicked!

**Rider** – Err what? No, no you didn’t

**Merry** – Really? Oh, what a relief! Oh no do you need me to help you with something?

**Rider** – I am Denhelm, I overheard you and…

**Merry** – I am King Théoden’s steward, but he has decided to leave me behind, so Lord Éomer will be servicing him in my place _*Denhelm sniggers*_ And… What? Did I say it wrong??

**Dernhelm** – Oh yes, you meant serving him. Servicing him implies something else

**Merry** – Oh gods! No wonder they are leaving me behind!

**Dernhelm** – Well now I disagree, perhaps you could incapacitate our enemy with laughter

**Merry** – I’m not sure you mean that as a compliment….

**Dernhelm** – We will see. Would you like to ride to the battle?

**Merry** – Yes, I want to help protect my king! But I have been ordered by Lord Éomer to stay behind and protect his rear!

**Dernhelm** \- _*sniggers loudly*_ He did huh?

**Merry** – Yes! Why is that funny? I can do it! I may be small but I’m tough, and smarter than I look you know…

**Dernhelm** – So I see. I was however offering you a chance to ride with me, secretly.

**Merry** – Oh Wow I … Can I do that?

**Narrator** – If you want to progress the story please do…

**Merry** – Oh… Okay then. Wait will I die if I go?

**Narrator** – No

**Merry** – Will Dernhorn die? Or get in trouble?

**Narrator** – It’s Dernhelm, and no. Just get going Merry we have a lot to cover here….

**Merry** – Sorry. Well let’s go then Dernhelm?

**Dernhelm** – Good come with me my friend.

**Merry** – I had better not regret this…


	53. Théoden gets unexpected help

_Merry huddled close to Dernhelm trying to ignore the pounding drums sounding in the background. With a sigh he reflected on the last few days._

**Merry** – Oh wow what a original plot device…

**Narrator** – Oh shut it

* * *

_Théoden had ridden out at the front of the war host and they rode hard, merry huddled at Dernhelm’s back hidden by his cloak. He seemed to have some sort of deal with Elfhelm his Marshall as Merry was tolerated well and they all pretended not to notice him. Unknown to him this was due to his devotion to their king which they all admired. On the second day they came across the headless body of Hirgon still clutching the red arrow. Scouts confirmed a huge blockade ahead which it looked like Hirgon was running from and so Théoden called a war council. After much discussion they decided to use the little-known forest path and attempt to make a deal with the Drúedain who owned it. They had barely ridden a league when the drums sounded, and a scout returned with the news that the Drúedain chieftain wanted to Meet Théoden._

_Théoden, Éomer and the scout went on ahead to meet the chieftain who they learned was called Ghân-buri-Ghân. He told them that he would let them pass into his lands and could lead them around the blockade by Stonewain Valley while his Wodes would hold off the enemy with poison darts if they agreed to drive away the  Gorgûn  (their word for Orc) who had been troubling them for years and then to leave them alone. This was readily agreed to and a friendship was forged between Rohan and the Druédain. Ghân-buri-Ghân himself lead them through the secret paths and happily shared any information his scouts had given him. While at first suspicious the men of Rohan soon grew to trust their new allies, who had the most perplexing habit on continually sounding drums to signal anything_

* * *

_Deciding that he had slept enough and that if he stayed still he might be subjected to another flashback Merry hastily got up and went for a walk, as silent as only a hobbit could be. He wandered through camp aimlessly until realising he was near Théoden and Éomer making battle plans and stood still._

**Théoden** – Ghân has told us we are less than a days ride away and the barrier has been cleared.

**Éomer** – Truthfully? It was lucky we meet him indeed, plus he has the beard to rule all beards

**Théoden** \- _*laughs*_ That was very apt. He has indeed been a very useful ally and one I intend to keep. I think that they should lead us to within an hour’s ride and then depart for their own safety while we launch a surprise attack.

**Éomer** – Yes uncle! I’ll go advise then men and prepare for our victory!

_Théoden watched him leave with a sad smile_

**Théoden** – Ah to be young and foolish again

 

_Merry returned and told Dernhelm the news to which he simply nodded. Merry sighed and wished that Dernhelm was less grim and more approachable, like Boromir and Aragorn. He then slept ‘til dawn when they prepared to ride out. Ghân lead them to the main road and Théoden bade him farewell and promised to uphold his oath. Ghân nodded and faded into the woods and the Rohirrim lined up in their  Éored and rode swiftly, eager to battle. The scouts returned to report that the orcs have broken the gate and fire burned at the walls. Théoden saw that the men were nervous and called his Marshalls to council._

**Rider** \- My lord we saw them, the heads of the dead were cut off, I fear for some evil purpose. The Ringwraith’s are leading the charge, but the ground forces are mostly orcs and southrons.

**Théoden** – Some grim news indeed

**Éomer** – Damn it all! Hirgon was right

**Théoden** – Even if only to disturb the carrion pickers I swore. We will ride and make them pay tenfold! Call the men to order, we ride to war now

 

* * *

 

 

_Merry sat nervously clutching Dernhelm_

**Merry** – What happens now?

**Dernhelm** – We ride to war. Glory or death awaits us

**Merry** – Great… Umm can we please avoid death?

**Dernhelm** – Yes, it’s not a habit I intend to take up

**Merry** – Oh now you develop a sense of humour!

_Théoden and his Marshalls ride out in front of the men and Théoden addressed his men_

**Théoden** – Today we battle for a home not our own, for a cause made ours by a thousand-year-old oath. I will not tell you to fight I only ask for those brave enough to help me do what is right! Some will die far from home, but they will be remembered for as long as there are Eorlingas! We will never forget, never forgive each death and will make them pay tenfold! Now who will ride with me? For death and Glory!

_In response every man joined in a mighty war cry_

**Théoden** – We will ride! With wind in our hair, sun on our faces and with the joy of battle in our hearts! We ride!

_Théoden grabbed the standard from the nearby bearer and held it high_

**Théoden** \- Arise, arise, Riders of Théoden! Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter! spear shall be shaken, shield be splintered, a sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises! Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!!

_Théoden returns the standard and blows a mighty blast that almost broke his war horn then spurred his horse around and forwards_

_They rode fast, with war cries and war horns ringing out however none could overtake or even approach Théoden. As he rode ahead his men felt their hearts fill with love for their might king and calls of “Théoden, Théoden king! We ride” filled the air until you could barely hear the words, just the love and admiration of their king. Merry joined in bolstered by the numbers and courage of the men around him and filled with love for the man he could see speeding ahead of everyone_

_Rohan had joined the battle_


	54. the Battle of the Pelennor Fields Pt 1

_Gandalf lead the men in the fight against Sauron’s forces, repelling them from the walls. Hearts dropped when huge catapults rolled up and small missiles were launched into the city. The men recoiled in horror when they realised that these were the heads of the fallen! As despair rose in part due to heads, but also to the endless night Gandalf arrived and rallied the men again, inspired they fought back harder. The fighting was fierce and when the men grew weary Gandalf and Prince Imrahil were there encouraging them on, seemingly everywhere at once as they drove the orcs from the walls once again. The Ringwraith’s suddenly joined the battle and the advantage went to the enemy as fear helped the orcs forward. As despair was setting in war horns could be heard faintly and grew louder. Then came the sounds of hooves and suddenly the enemy was attacked by the riders od Rohan. Cheering wildly the men pushed forward and forcing the orcs away from the walls for good while Prince Imrahil raced to get their horsemen ready to charge and join the attack from Rohan_

_Théoden rode as a man possessed, slaying all in his path. Fey he seemed, or the battle-fury of his father’s ran like new fire in his veins, and he was borne up on Snowmane like a king of old, driving his men through the ranks of the orcs repeatedly while battle cries, war horns and the screams of the dying filled the air. Théoden was challenged by the leader of the southrons, Suladân  or the black serpent who was filled with a red wrath and shouted aloud, and displaying his standard, black serpent upon scarlet, with a might yell he came against the white horse and the green with great press of men; and the drawing of the scimitars of the Southrons was like a glitter of stars. Even though he was a great warrior he could not compete with the fury that drove Théoden on and soon he lay dead sat the feet of the king. Théoden pressed on while the Éored’s worked together flawlessly except for Dernhelm who closely followed his king. Many an orc who challenged wither man was met with an unexpected dagger and Merry soon forgot his fear as he protected his king. The orcs fled, and Théoden paused allowing his men to overtake him and press the enemy when a piercing shriek made Snowmane rear up and all nearby horses to flee. Théoden wrestled control of his horse and wheeled around to see the Witch king coming on for an attack_

 

**Théoden** \- To me! To me! Up Eorlingas! Fear no darkness!

 

_But Snowmane wild with terror reared up again, fighting with the air, and then with a great scream he crashed upon his side: a black dart had pierced him. The king fell beneath him. Théoden struggled to get free, then resigned met his gaze and stared him down as the foul mount approached him where he lay. But Théoden was not utterly forsaken. The knights of his house lay slain about him, or due to the madness of their steeds were borne far away, yet one stood there still: Dernhelm the young, faithful beyond fear; struggled to his feet as he wept for he loved his lord as a father. Throughout the charge Merry had been borne unharmed behind him, until the Shadow came; and then the horse had thrown them in his terror, and now ran wild upon the plain. Merry crawled on all fours like a dazed beast, and such a horror was on him that he was blind and sick._

**Merry** – _*moaned aloud*_ No my King! Théoden… A King’s man! King’s man! I must stay by him. As a father you shall be to me, I said, so get up… Merry get up and save him!!

 

_But he couldn’t stand, his body shook too much. He dared not even open his eyes or look up. Then out of the blackness in his mind he thought that he heard Dernhelm speaking; yet now the voice seemed strange, recalling some other voice that he had known but could not recall just then…_

**Dernhelm** \- Begone, foul dwimmerlaik, lord of carrion! Leave the dead in peace!

**Witch king** – Ha! You cannot come between the Nazgûl and his prey! Or he will not slay thee in thy turn foolish mortal. He will bear thee away to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where thy flesh shall be devoured, and thy shrivelled mind be left naked to the Lidless Eye.

  **Dernhelm** – Firstly speak English, secondly Do what you will; but I will hinder it, if I may.

**Witch king** – Okay now I know you are joking… You, hinder me? Fool, no living man may hinder me!

_At this Dernhelm laughed causing the Witch king to pause and tilt his head curiously_

**Witch king** – Okay… Not the usual reaction…

**Dernhelm** \- But no living man am I! You look upon a woman. Éowyn I am, Éomund’s daughter. You stand between me and my lord and kin. Begone, if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you, if you touch him

**Merry** – wait what… Oh Gods I knew that voice and… Oh my lady run! Please run!

**Witch King** – Good for you… Now stop interrupting my slaying

**Éowyn** – And I demand you let my king and uncle be!

**Witch king** – Demand!?! You dare demand me to… Oh the bloody cheek of it all! You shall die for your arrogance! And shall hereafter be used as an example to how not to talk to people!

**Éowyn** – You’re not a person, you’re an undead psychopath on an undead fiend so…

**Witch king** – I can’t even… Words HURT you know!

**Éowyn** – so do swords, so stop what you’re doing, or I’ll be forced to kill you

**Witch king** – I’d like to see you try

_A stone then dings into his helmet causing him to stumble and merry calls out “got him!”_

**Witch king** – What the hell!?! Who throws Stones in a battle

**Merry** – Well apparently, I do…

**Éowyn** – Master Holbytla stay back!

**Merry** – Yeah after you my lady

**Éowyn** – Huh Éomer was right… seems I do like you _*chuckles*_ Let’s work together to save our king

Witch king turns to Théoden

**Witch king** – How the hell do you inspire this? _*waves vaguely at Éowyn and Merry*_

**Théoden** \- _*coughs and replies weakly*_ What can I say… my men love me. Perhaps too much… in some cases

**Witch king** – No kidding… Just stay there while I go kill your men

**Théoden** – Yeah, I’ll just stay here, being crushed under my dead horse… _*groans in pain*_

**Merry** – Théoden! Hang on we are coming to save you! Honest!

 

_The witch king spurred his mount towards Éowyn screeching and she stood tall, sword in hand as it came for her, with a swift strike she beheaded the beast and was knocked over by its body as with a terrible cry it fell over. As she rose a ray of light sun upon her, highlighting her fair hair and turning it to gold, day had broken. Suddenly from the wreckage the witch king rose, almost snarling in his fury and towered above her, as she raised her shield he brought his mace down and the shield shattered!_

_Her arm broken she fell to her knees with a cry of pain and the witch king bent over her gloating_

**Witch king** – Oh sorry, remind me who was it who was going to slay me?

_With a laugh he raised his mace and as he swung it down a dagger pierced his knee causing the stroke to go awry and the witch king to scream aloud in pain. Merry was thrown aside and hit the ground hard as the Ringwraith went down to his knees_

**Merry** – Éowyn! Éowyn! Oh, please let her be okay!

_As he struggled to his feet Éowyn met his eyes then forced herself to stand and with a scream brought her sword up and in between the mantle and the crown the witch king wore and suddenly the mantle was empty, the witch king has been destroyed!_

_Éowyn watched as her sword broke into many shards, glittering in the light then slowly the mantle fell to the ground in a heap. And there stood Merry a small hobbit from the shire who had just witnessed and participated in a miracle. As he stood there Éowyn gracefully fell atop her foe and lay there totally still. Merry quickly checked on her and she seemed to be breathing so he dragged himself over to Théoden his eyes glued to his face as he prayed for a second miracle_

_Merry reached Théoden and with a shaking hand he lifted his kings hand to see if he was still alive, as he had seen others do before and as he moved the hand Théoden stirred and his eyes opened_

 

**Merry** – Théoden king! Do not speak… I’ll save you somehow, I swear!

**Théoden** \- Farewell, Master Holbytla! ‘My body is broken. I go to my fathers. And even in their mighty company I shall not now be ashamed. I felled the black serpent. A grim morn, and a glad day, and a golden sunset!

_Merry could not speak, but wept anew_

**Merry** \- Forgive me, lord, I broke your command, and yet have done no more in your service than to weep at our parting, and stay by your side now

_The old king smiled_

**Théoden** \- Grieve not! It is forgiven. Great heart will not be denied. Live now in blessedness; and when you sit in peace with your pipe, think of me! For never now shall I sit with you in Meduseld, as I promised, or listen to your herb-lore

_He closed his eyes, and Merry bowed beside him. Presently he spoke again_

**Théoden** \- Where is Éomer? For my eyes darken, and I would see him ere I go. He must be king after me. And I would send word to Éowyn. She, she would not have me leave her, and now I shall not see her again, dearer than daughter

_Merry started to cry harder_

**Merry** – Oh my Lord, Éowyn is…

 

_At that moment a great clamour of horns interrupted him, and the men of Rohan rode up continuing the fight startling Merry for he had forgotten the battle around them, and it had felt like hours instead of minutes and suddenly he realised the dangers of getting caught up in an ongoing battle_

_From his vantage point he could see for miles, The enemy seemed to have rallied and new forces were heading up with some kind of moving hill thing – he’ll have to ask about it later - from the south chased by the horsemen, northward the white crest of Éomer led the great front of the Rohirrim which he had again gathered and marshalled; and out of the City came all the strength of men that was in it, and the silver swan of Dol Amroth was borne in the van, driving the enemy from the Gate._

_For a moment the thought flitted through Merry’s mind: ‘Where is Gandalf? Is he not here? Could he not have saved the king and Éowyn?’ But then Éomer rode up in haste, and with him came the knights of the household that still lived and had now mastered their horses. They looked in wonder and horror at the carcass of the fell beast that lay there: and their steeds would not go near. But Éomer leaped from the saddle, and grief and dismay fell upon him as he came to the king’s side and stood there in silence. Then one of the knights took the king’s banner from the hand of Guthláf the banner-bearer who lay dead, and he lifted it up. Slowly Théoden opened his eyes. Seeing the banner, he made a sign that it should be given to Éomer._

**Théoden** \- Hail, King of the Mark! Ride now to victory! Bid Éowyn farewell!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this came out well, I disliked saying goodbye to such an awesome character...


	55. the Battle of the Pelennor Fields II

_Then Théoden died, not knowing that Éowyn lay near him. And those who stood by wept, crying: ‘Théoden King! Théoden King!’ Éomer turned to them_

**Éomer** \- Mourn not overmuch! Mighty was the fallen, meet was his ending. When his mound is raised, women then shall weep. War now calls us!

_Yet he wept as he spoke for he had loved Théoden greatly and his grief was unmatched. Suddenly his gaze fell on Éowyn and he froze in horror and disbelief, his face deathly pale_

**Éomer** – Éowyn? Éowyn why are you here? What madness is this!?!

 

_Then without taking counsel or waiting for the approach of the men of the City, he spurred headlong back to the front of the great host, and blew a horn, and cried aloud for the onset. Over the field rang his clear voice calling: ‘Death! Ride, ride to ruin and the world’s ending!’_

_And with that the host began to move. But the Rohirrim sang no more. Death they cried with one voice loud and terrible, and gathering speed like a great tide their battle swept about their fallen king and passed, roaring away southwards._

_Merry still sat next to Théoden unnoticed. He brushed away the tears, and stooped to pick up the green shield that Éowyn had given him; and he slung it at his back. Then he looked for his sword that he had let fall; for even as he struck his blow his arm was numbed, and now he could only use his left hand. And behold! there lay his weapon, but the blade was smoking like a dry branch that has been thrust in a fire; and as he watched it, it was consumed._

* * *

 

_Men now lifted the king onto a makeshift stretcher laying cloaks upon spear-truncheons to carry him away towards the City; and others lifted Éowyn gently up and bore her after him. But the men of the king’s household they could not yet bring from the field; so they laid them apart from their foes and the fell beast and set spears about them_

_Now slowly and sadly Merry walked beside the bearers, and he paid no more attention to the battle. He was weary and full of pain, and his limbs trembled as with a chill. A great rain came out of the Sea, and it seemed that all things wept for Théoden and Éowyn, quenching the fires in the City with grey tears. It was through a mist that presently he saw the van of the men of Gondor approaching. Imrahil, Prince of Dol Amroth, rode up and drew rein before them._

**Imrahil** \- What burden do you bear, Men of Rohan?

_“Théoden King” they answered. “He is dead. But Éomer King now rides in the battle: he with the white crest in the wind.”_

_Prince Imrahil Dismounted so he could pay his respects to Théoden who had he admired and afterwards he spotted Éowyn and was amazed_

**Imrahil** – What is this? Have even the women of Rohan come to our aid?

**Rider** – Nay only one, she is the sister daughter of Théoden king and could not bear to part from him. We did not even know she was with us and now we grieve doubly for the loss of both and king Éomer rides for vengeance

 

_Then the prince seeing her beauty, though her face was pale and cold, touched her hand as he bent to look more closely on her._

**Imrahil** \- Men of Rohan! Are there no leeches among you? She is hurt to the death maybe, but I deem that she yet lives.

_And he held the bright-burnished vambrace that was upon his arm before her cold tips, and behold! a little mist was laid on it hardly to be seen._

**Imrahil** \- Haste now is needed!

_and he sent one riding back swiftly to the City to bring aid then he bows low to the fallen, bade them farewell, and mounting rode away into battle._

_They are rushed into the city when they arrive and Éowyn is rushed to the healers but during the chaos Merry was lost. Théoden was laid with great care in the great hall covered with his flag._

_Éomer rode and fought like a demon and none could stand against him however his impulsive attack soon led to them being surrounded. They made a final push to the harbour and got the room they needed to manoeuvre but faltered when they saw the large ships approaching. As they watched an orc challenged the boats but was struck down by an arrow! Aragorn appeared at the side of the boat and casually leaned on one side_

 

**Aragorn** – so anyone up for a bit of fun? This cruise was a bit light on entertainment… Well looks like a yes. _*he drew his sword*_ Chaaaaarge!

_A mass of men appeared behind him and he lead the charge towards Éomer who rallied his men to fight. During the battle Éomer was unhorsed and fought back to back with Aragorn and Gimli while Legolas commanded the archers. Things were looking grim until the Men of Gondor lead by Prince Imrahil arrived and turned the tides of battle in their favour._

* * *

 

_Finally, the battle was won and Prince Imrahil approached the friends who were at gathered and high fiving each other_

**Imrahil** – Well fought indeed friends and thank you for your timely arrival! I am Imrahil prince of Dol Amroth

**Éomer** – Yes and thank you Imrahil for your timely arrival *they both smile* You are a lord of Gondor?

**Imrahil** – Yes Gondor is under my protection, so I had to ride out and assist. I am acting ruler while Faramir is… unwell. Are you perhaps Éomer son of Éomund?

**Éomer** – Yes, I am he _*Aragorn sniggers*_ Oh shut it Mr “rightful king”

**Imrahil** – Then it is a great pleasure to meet you, your men speak fondly of you! And who are your companions?

**Legolas** – Oh forgive us! I am Legolas son of Thranduil of the woodland realms, this is my friend Gimli son of Glóin, and this is Aragorn…

**Aragorn** – or strider. I seem to have many names, none particularly flattering it seems from the sniggering I hear behind me…

**Imrahil** – You seem familiar to me somehow. Have we met?

**Aragorn** – I get this a lot. I travel due to work commitments so maybe. On a side note Éomer what is wrong with you? Your friends survived a certain death mission and we even got to fight side by side again so why do you look unhappy?

**Legolas** – _*mutters*_ Hmm interesting….

**Éomer** – My apologies I have other things on my mind. Imrahil could you tell me if my uncle and… If… if they reached the city or?

**Imrahil** – They did, escorted by one of my men. Once we are done here I can take you to them?

**Éomer** – Yes, please I would be eternally grateful

_Prince Imrahil excuses himself and Aragorn stands beside Éomer_

**Aragorn** – So he seems nice. Also, you mentioned Théoden, has something happened?

**Éomer** – Théoden king he… My uncle fell in battle alongside Éowyn

**Gimli** – What the lady Éowyn? Surely not!?!

**Éomer** – Sadly yes, she dressed as a rider to come with us unseen and paid for her foolishness with her life

**Aragorn** – Éomer, I’m so sorry

**Éomer** – As am I. But as my uncle always says… said. Said “Put our men’s needs above your own, through their love we keep our throne” I must see to my men then I can grieve. Farewell for now friends

_He leaves walking slowly but with purpose_

**Gimli** – That poor man. It makes you love him more

**Legolas** – Yes to be so selflessly strong at such a time is truly inspiring. I’m humbled and moved

**Aragorn** – He’s unlucky, as are we. I saw her heart and feared for her, but I hoped… Perhaps I should have taken her when she was begging me to… What? Why are you glaring at me?

**Legolas** – That was rather uncalled for

**Aragorn** – On no I mean she wanted to join us on our journey… How could you think so poorly of me!?!

**Gimli** – It’s a mystery… one of our friends inspires us in his grief, and the other is you…


	56. Aragorn the Healer

_Prince Imrahil led the army into the city where the wounded were tended to and Éomer, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli went to pay their respects to Théoden. They all stood heads bowed and overwhelmed by their grief. It was several minutes before the silence was broken_

**Gimli** – He was a good man. A great one even

**Legolas** – Indeed a kinder, wiser man I have not met

**Aragorn** – Well gee thanks guys. But truthfully, he is the king to live up to, the highest of standards

**Gimli** – Not to ruin the moment but you did tell Pippin that his rations were poisoned to stop him eating so much…

**Aragorn** – Yes, Yes, I did. And I would do it again

**Éomer** – Sometimes I think you all are crazy. My uncle would not wish for us to mourn his loss but to rejoice in his life

**Legolas** – See he was just the best. You two have a lot to live up to. Especially Aragorn

**Éomer** – No pressure there… Imrahil Where is my sister? She should be here at his side as her lineage demands

**Imrahil** – You do not know? The lady had not died so I had her sent to the healers with all haste. She and the halfling should be there now

 

_Éomer stood stunned for a moment then ran out of the room followed by Prince Imrahil_

 

**Gimli** – Quick let us follow them

**Aragorn** – Why?

**Legolas** – What do you mean why? Emotional support of course

**Aragorn** – Well how do you know he wants us to follow him as he runs through the massive city right after saving the day and having such a large fight. Maybe he’d prefer us to pop up later after a rest and perhaps a meal?

**Gimli** – Are you  sure you are human? Not some orc half breed??

**Aragorn** – I am human so shut it. I’m juts fed up of all this “emotional” crap! I mean here I am sad over Théoden, Worried for Éomer and Éowyn it’s just too much! I’ll get wrinkles and then Arwen will leave me and she’s crucial to my storyline so I just can’t risk it. No way!

**Legolas** – Aragorn! Off all the selfish… Wait… Did Imrahil mention a halfling? Could he mean Merry?

**Aragorn** – Gods dammit…

 

_After persuading Aragorn they looked for the house of healing – Or rather Legolas asked for directions while Aragorn sulked because “it wasn’t where it was supposed to be” and Gimli just admired the buildings and once they found it entered to see how the lady Éowyn was doing and if Merry was indeed the halfling mentioned._

_Éomer was holding Éowyn’s hand when they entered and Gandalf was treating her_

 

**Aragorn** – Hey Gandalf, have you been busy?

**Gandalf** – Let’s see, the city was attacked, lord Denethor lost his mind killed himself and tried to kill his son and since then I have been trying to heal everyone. What do you think?

**Éomer** – Sorry to interrupt but where is young Merry? I wish to thank him for protecting her when I couldn’t

**Gandalf** – I am unsure, he didn’t arrive here. I have sent Pippin and some others to search for him

**Éomer** – What? He was injured in the battle so how was he? Maybe I should join the search for him…

**Gandalf** – This is grim news indeed, I pray they find him soon. However I could do with all your help attending to the wounded, would you mind?

 

_The others agreed to help but their minds were all on Pippins search for Merry, and wondering if he would be found soon_

* * *

_Pippin ran through the streets, focusing on the main roads and checking every side street he came across until he passed a bundle of grey on a doorstop, then turned an went to investigate it and realized he had found Merry curled up in a ball looking very ill_

 

**Pippin** – Merry? Oh It is you! Merry I’m so glad I found you!

**Merry** – Pip? Is that you Pip?

**Pippin** – Well yeah. The Rohirrm were so worried when they lost you and we have looked simply everywhere!

**Merry** – Oh Pip I’ve had terrible dreams! I’m lost, cold… It’s all gone wrong

**Pippin** – Here take my hand, we will get you to someone who can help

**Merry** – I’ll try… But I feel so weak…

_Pippin pulled Merry to his feet and was alarmed at how unsteady his friend was. They walked a few steps and Merry faltered nearly collapsing and Pippin hastily set him down on some steps and wrapped the cloak around Merry to keep him warm then looked around realising that Merry couldn’t walk any further and would need urgent help_

**Pippin** \- _*mutters*_ Oh gods someone help me save him…

 

_Suddenly footsteps are heard and Bergil appeared at the top of the steps and narrowly missed running into Merry_

 

**Pippin** – Bergil? Oh thank the gods! Quick I need your help!

**Bergil** – Hello Pippin! Um I’m running errands for Master Gandalf but as it’s you who asked… what do you need?

**Pippin** – I need Gandalf! Can you tell that Merry has been found but he’s badly injured and can’t walk and we need help… Oh! and tell them where we are

**Bergil** – Merry found but is hurt… Got it! I’ll run all the way there, you can count on me!

_As he races off Pippin returns to where Merry is slumped on the steps_

**Merry** – Pip?

**Pippin** – Yes, it’s still me. Help is on the way so just, just hold on. I… I promise I’ll save you

**Merry** – Pip Théoden he… Like a father but gone now. We fought it though, I stabbed its knee and Éowyn killed it… Wraith? Crowned one. Then she fell and I tried to save her, but it was hot then so cold and I fell too. I shall die just like them. Maybe I have brave enough to stay in their company, Boromir’s too. Do you think I shall die Pip?

**Pippin** – No you bloody well won’t be dying! The lady is okay anyhow they are treating her now

**Merry** – No she wanted death… Saw her eyes she couldn’t bear losing him, couldn’t go on

**Pippin** – Stop it Merry! Thinking like this is bad news, just believe that you will be saved by me. Think of happy things, like … Like home!

**Merry** – We shouldn’t have come Pip. Elrond was right

**Pippin** – Uh no, check your facts. Without us Saruman would rule Rohan and would have killed the Ents, and I just saved Faramir, so we are in the right not Elrond. Now just stop talking nonsense and get better!

 

_Gandalf himself soon turns up with Bergil and upon seeing Merry frowns_

 

**Gandalf** – Ah there you are Merry lad, you had us all worried

**Merry** -  Gandalf? I think I’m ill, I’m so cold

**Gandalf** – Yes I know, We will make you better soon I promise

**Merry** – Good, Éomer he… He may need… me _*Merry’s eyes close*_

**Gandalf** – Merry? Quick Pippin we must hurry

_Pippin chases after Gandalf with Bergil and they rush to the healers where a crowd of mostly Rohirrm wait anxiously for news and they let out a cheer when they saw Merry had been found and parted to let Gandalf carry him through and Pippin joined his friends with a cheery Hello – as far as he saw it Gandalf could surely save Merry so all is well._

 

* * *

 

**Éomer** – They must make him better, he is dear to us all

**Aragorn** – He’ll be okay, Gandalf will save him, all of them in fact

**Imrahil** – This is a strange illness, To burn then freeze? What could have caused it?

**Pippin** – Ringwraith

**Legolas** – What makes you say that Pippin?

**Pippin** – Well while we waited for Gandalf, Merry said that he and Éowyn killed a Ringwraith with a frown… No that doesn’t sound right… That was it they killed the one with a crown. Or  a one with a crown? Does that help any?

**Éomer** – They what? Tell us everything!

**Pippin** – I just did…

**Aragorn** – Pippin…. Now

**Pippin** – Ok Fine! From what I gathered from Merry the Ringwraith attacked Théoden and he and Éowyn tried to fight it off. It broke her arm and so Merry stabbed it in the knee and then the lady stabbed its face in. Which is just gross. Then he said something about the blade melting and they got burning hot then freezing cold. I think that’s everything?

**Gimli** – Err I think we need Gandalf to hear this

**Aragorn** –Indeed, you go tell Gandalf and I’ll go consult Halbarad now, we can’t let my favourite hobbit die!

 

_Aragorn ran off through the door closely followed by Pippin, until it closed in his face. Then he opened it to yell after Aragorn’s retreating back_

 

**Pippin** – Aragorn wait! What do you mean favourite!?!

**Legolas** – Umm I’ll go fetch Gandalf then…

**Imrahil** – Let’s all go. That way we can check on them

 

* * *

 

_After Éomer sent the Rohirrm away to rest they all went into Merry’s room where Gandalf and the healers were stood consulting each other with anxious faces_

 

**Gandalf** – What is wrong with you all, this is a place of healing not racing

**Imrahil** – We know what caused the sickness!

**Healer** – How? Even we were not able to!

**Éomer** – From Merry himself, as told to Pippin

**Gandalf** – Pippin tell me what happened

**Pippin** – Okay so you sent me to find…

**Gandalf** – Tell me the important stuff

**Pippin** – Oooh. Okay. Merry said that he and the Lady Éowyn killed a Ringwraith. One with a crown. Then his blade melted, and they got sick

**Gandalf** – Killed a… Yes I see now… This would be similar to the corruption that Frodo had. Right tell me everything from the start Pippin lad. Oh and start from when you found Merry please.

 

_After listening to the tale Gandalf sighed heavily_

 

**Éomer** – So my sister and Merry got this corruption from the wraith, is it possible that Lord Faramir did as well?

**Imrahil** – He must have, he was attacked by one before he fell ill. At first we assumed it was due to the dart but he should have recovered from it by now

**Legolas** – This does seem to explain why they all have similar symptoms, he could have had a combination of the two

**Gandalf** – Welcome to another episode of House… No never mind I don’t expect you all to understand that. This does explain it all, the Witch king was killed this is very good news for us. He was the one who stabbed Frodo incidentally

**Pippin** – So can we send for Elrond to save them? He did save Frodo

**Gandalf** – You want to… oh Gods above *Gandalf rubbed his eyes tiredly* Sorry my lad but he cannot help us, they must be healed by what we have here

**Healer** – We may as well rely on herbs as elves. My mother would say that Athelas could heal any ill, although she would also say that the King had “healing hands” supposedly how you tell the true king apart from… Why are you all staring at me? It’s a very common folk tale around here

**Legolas** – The true king you say… Goodwife you are a genius!

**Imrahil** – I could use a little explanation here

**Gimli** – Aragorn is the true king of Gondor! If this tale is true then he can save our friends

**Éomer** – I see! Oh gods where did he run off to?

**Legolas** – I’ll go find him

**Éomer** – please hurry!

 

* * *

 

_Legolas and Aragorn soon returned and once the tale was told to Aragorn he broke out into a huge grin_

 

**Aragorn** – So it’s up to me to save the day? Anything for my little hobbit pal!

**Pippin** – Hey! What’s with all these feelings for Merry all of a sudden?

**Aragorn** – hush Pippin. Goodwife we need Athelas or kingsfoil, do you have any?

**Healer** – Lord I’m sorry but we don’t have any in our stores, however the older folk in town use it to cure headaches and the like

**Aragorn** – Excellent! Please fetch it all, we also will need boiling water and bandages

**Éomer** – So… Do you know what you are doing?

**Aragorn** – Oh yeah I did something similar on Frodo and he survived. I think this will go smoother as we are in a nice warm room not a horrible wraith infested woods, plus Frodo has a corrupted blade fragment which had to be dug out – just so, so disgusting – they do not

**Éomer** – A fragment of… Oh that poor fellow!

**Aragorn** – Yeah luckily Elrond dealt with that part, I just cured the infection and the like. However Éowyn and Merry got it through stabbing him, totally different ballgame but same result

**Éomer** – Ball game? What? Oh gods this had better work…

 

_Bergil soon entered the room with armfuls of kingsfoil and bandages while the healers brought in the boiling water and Aragorn -with much flair – steeped the herbs into the water. The most amazing fragrance filled the room instantly refreshing them all and Aragorn with a nod starts to bath Merry’s brow muttering softly. After a few minutes Merry stirs and opened his eyes_

 

**Merry** – Aragorn? Wha… What happened?

**Aragorn** – Hullo Merry, you were very ill but we saved you. Well mostly me if I’m honest

**Merry** – Thank you. Oh Théoden! Is he okay? His horse fell and I tried to protect him honest

**Éomer** – Ah Merry I’m afraid my uncle did not make it

**Merry** – Oh, I had hoped it a nightmare! Éomer, he wanted me to tell you how proud he was and that he loved you and Éowyn

**Éomer** – He said? _*bows his head, deeply touched*_ Even in his last moment he thought of me? I… Thank you, truly

**Merry** \- We all love you, every man and woman on Rohan, including me if my vow to Théoden… If it still stands _*smiles weakly*_

**Éomer** – If you so wish it. You hobbits are extraordinary!

 

_Legolas is standing by Pippin and nudges him_

 

**Legolas** – If you are interested this is why we all love him

**Pippin** – Giving sad news? Pretty poor reason to me… I love Merry for his happiness!

**Legolas** – You know what I mean

**Pippin** – Well… Maybe

 

_Aragorn pats Merry on his shoulder and leaves him in the care of Pippin, and they go to see Éowyn. Aragorn repeats the process with her – shifting nervously as Éomer looms over him – and after a while she wakes up and is engulfed in a hug from her brother, incidentally knocking Aragorn to the side which may have prompted his decision to leave them to their discussion and to go tend Faramir._

_As he had been ill longer this was more difficult and took over an hour but even he awoke and was grateful. As he was weak they promised to tell him everything later and left him to rest. Aragorn then left the city to rest as news of his healing hands had spread through the city like wildfire. Legolas went with him to the camp and once they were outside the city he just had to ask_

**Legolas** – Aragorn, about that chant you did as you were healing Merry?

**Aragorn** – What about it?

**Legolas** – Well why were you muttering “Oh gods dammit this had better work or I quit” in elvish?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this was long...


End file.
